COLUMN: A Comparison with 'Like' or 'As'

By Tobin Barnes
“The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.”

That was a fractured simile by a guy named Malcolm Fleschner from Arlington, Virginia. He entered it in something called the Style Invitational, sponsored by the Washington Post. It’s meant to be a gag contest on bad metaphor and analogy writing.

Being an English teacher, I’ve seen my share of bad metaphors and analogies. Heck, I’ve written my share of bad metaphors and analogies. However, as seen in the above entry, they can be more entertaining than good ones.

Lots.

But maybe this exhibition is going to be only for my appreciation. Who knows? I hope not. Here’s some of my favorites from the Style Invitational. The writers names (I hope they want the credit) are in parentheses. I assume that the towns are in the Washington, DC area. I only wish I could write as badly as they can.

“Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.” (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

“Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.” (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

“The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of ‘Jeopardy!’” (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

This next one was a third-runner-up in 1999: “Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.” (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

This was the second-runner-up that year: “She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.” (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Can you appreciate the subtle quality difference that earns the second one the higher rating?

Neither can I.

I could have gone with this one as a winner: “He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.” (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Or maybe this one: “He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.” (Susan Reese, Arlington)

And this one brings up images as well: “Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.” (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Some of them are more verbose, like this second-runner-up from 1995: “I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’s speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.” (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

And the first-runner-up that year: “She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn.” (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Or: “He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.” (Joseph Romm, Washington)

But some of the best word pictures come quickly: “The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.” (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Secretary Paulson Becomes Nigerian Spammer

From a witty email that's going around in this time of financial crisis:

MY DEAR AMERICAN FRIEND:

I AM NEEDING TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 700 BILLION OF YOUR DOLLARS (US). IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH HIGHLY REPUTABLE MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY IF MY POLITICAL PARTY WINS UPCOMING ELECTION, WHICH WE CERTAINLY WILL BECAUSE WE ARE IN CONTROLING OF THE HIGHEST SUPREME COURT. YOU MAY REMEMBER HIM AS A SENATOR AS LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S.

THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE. YOU MUST TRUST ME COMPLETELY AND NOT ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE TRANSACTION. YOU HAVE MY WORD NO ONE WILL DO ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE MONEY.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED YOUR BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTH PERSONAGE WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED. YOU ARE THAT PERSONAGE.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN, GRANDCHILDREN AND THOSE YET UNBORN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THIS INFORMATION I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS WE PROMISE WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS AND PRODUCE A LONG-TERM RETURN ON INVESTMENT FOR YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE.

YOURS FAITHFULLY
MINISTER OF TREASURY H. PAULSON

Daily Show: McCain Returns to Washington

Let's Get This Straight

(Sent by Chuck Standen)

I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight.....

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."
* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American story.
* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.
* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.
* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.
* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.
* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.
* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.
*If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
* If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.
* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.
* If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OK, much clearer now.

COLUMN: Let's stop settling for less

By Tobin Barnes
“When I was a boy, I was told anyone could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” That’s from Clarence Darrow, famous courtroom lawyer of the first half of the 20th Century.

The first half of the quote is comforting, bringing to mind each citizen’s theoretical equal standing before the law and, supposedly, the electorate. It’s a status we idealistically cherish.

The second half of the quote—the wit of the whole thing—is alarming. Indeed, it’s been heartily proven that, in fact, anyone COULD become President…and has.

It’s scary.

We’ve had some real lemons.

And how does that happen? Sometimes it’s a matter of money and influence. Oftentimes, it’s a matter of not only that but also hand-picked mediocrity.

Why hand-picked? Mediocrity doesn’t rock the boat. And established powers prefer stability. “Things are great, as far as we’re concerned. Let’s keep them that way.” Stick with what we know.

But what’s in it for the American people? Why opt for mediocrity? When did excellence become a dirty word?

Well, many prefer “what we know”—even those who reap no benefits garnered by those in the power establishment with all the money and influence.

For some reason, many Americans are attracted to the down-home and simple-minded. Complexity makes them nervous. Some vote for the candidate they see themselves in. A candidate they’d enjoy sharing a beer with down at the local bar. (I just saw a poll today based on whom you’d most like to watch a football game with.)

They think these types of candidates understand them and share their values. They think that politicians who seem like them would be better decision-makers. They’d be decisive, gosh darn it, not wimpy hand-wringers. These politicians could pull the trigger on any issue without blinking, no matter how deadly, based simply on common values we supposedly all hold dear.

Don’t need no fancy education, study, or book learning, for crying out loud.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Just about anybody could do it—anybody down at that same local bar. Just rely on the lowest common denominator. Better yet, get one of those magic 8-balls and let that make your decisions.

I’ve had enough of the simple solutions. Things are way too complex for just “anyone” to handle. We don’t need average qualifications packaged into anti-intellectual smugness. Just as we treasure those who forge themselves into elite soldiers, we need elite leaders.

We need the best and the brightest we can find.

Our greatest Presidents—Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, the two Roosevelts, Truman—were not just “anyone” who fit some political bill. They were exceptional people who educated and prepared themselves to take on the onerous burdens of their times.

They didn’t blend in with fellow citizens, they stood out head and shoulders above them. Unlike the masses, they could think beyond the moment and the current crisis. They could shape the times, not let the times and simple prejudices shape them.

Oh sure, they could display a certain folksy air of conviviality when necessary. Many had the common touch. Abraham Lincoln was a master at that. Franklin Roosevelt was a charmer. Harry Truman spoke the common man’s lingo.

But few Americans ever fooled themselves into thinking these people were common or average or anyone down at the bar.

These leaders’ wells ran deep. There was nothing ordinary about their intellects. And though some did not have much formal education, they took the time and considerable effort not taken by the average man to become self-educated in all of the most complex issues of their day. They were all voracious readers and learners. They prided themselves in study. They didn’t deride it and make fun of it.

Let’s not settle for mediocrity anymore.

Flow Chart of Life

Field Dressing Another Moose

Bread Is Bad

Found here:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. Read more …

COLUMN: And Have a Nice Day

By Tobin Barnes
My wife was shopping at one of the big-box retailers recently. She was just trying to breeze in and breeze out, picking up five or six items. She was wearing a knee brace because of an injury, so walking and standing were difficult for her.

She’d gone through checkout, paid for her stuff, and was heading out the door when an alarm sounded.

Now that’s embarrassing right there.

So she stops in the entranceway while the store “greeter” compulsively goes through her bag over and over again checking the items against the receipt. The greeter has morphed from a glad-hander into airport security agent.

This all takes time. The guy’s elderly. Meanwhile people are passing by, thinking who knows what.

But the greeter just can’t figure it out. Everything in the bag is accounted for on the receipt. Nevertheless, he won’t give up.

My wife’s knee is hurting. She tells him, “If this is going to take longer, I’m going to go sit down.” She goes to take a seat in the nearby shop. Tells him to come get her when he’s done.

Finally, he figures it out. One item evidently didn’t scan properly even though it showed up on the receipt and was paid for. It’s like who knows with those gizmos?

Evidently, the scanner normally turns off the alarm function or something. This time it didn’t.

Anyway, after what seems like twenty minutes, the greeter hands over the items, and my wife says, “This is embarrassing!” to the guy.

His response?

“Have a nice day.” That’s it.

In other words, at these prices, you’re going to have to lump it. And she WILL lump it. She just hopes this article won’t get her banned from the store.

And no doubt the prices are great. I once read that when a big box, like Best Buy, Walmart or Home Depot, comes into your town, it’s like getting a pay raise.

I’ve also read that the big boxes are major targets for rip-offs by coordinated crime rings. Mark Doyle, president of a security consulting firm, says that “brazen thieves will wheel out dollies loaded with appliances, cases of liquor or, in one recent instance, an entire sectional sofa.”

Granted, but come on. How about all the cameras? How about all the associates behind one-way mirrors and stuff?

Not long after my wife’s incident, I ran across an article posted on Smartmoney.com. It’s where I got the above quote. It seems other big box customers are also upset with the “cough up the receipt” and “let’s see if the scanner made a mistake” policies.

The article started with the story of a middle-aged CPA living in small-town America who was convicted of misdemeanor assault after a multi-day trial that had his town abuzz.

So what did mild-mannered Casper Milquetoast do? He shoved a 75-year-old greeter who wouldn’t let him leave without examining his receipt.

“He didn’t have the right to make me do that,” he told the local paper.

This was the talk of the town because many people have shared his experience of bopping into a store for a thing or two and feeling like Homeland Security was on their case. Evidently, people aren’t enjoying being suspects until proven otherwise.

“You shouldn’t be required to sacrifice your dignity to get a better deal,” says a Sanford, Maine, web designer. After seeing a fellow customer going through the doorway mill, he put up a website to generate protest against receipt checks. The site has had 130,000 hits.

John DeArmond, “a nuclear engineer turned trucker turned retired Tennessee mountain man,” takes a more direct approach. He “insists that the checker compare every single item in his grocery cart against the receipt. (He's got a lot of free time.) Once, as a sort of grand finale, he marched his cart back to the service counter and returned the entire load.”

Another guy, Michael Righi from Brooklyn, Ohio, has had 200 supporters contribute to his defense fund after he was arrested for causing a stir when he refused to produce his receipt at the door a of big box store.

Next thing you know, receipt rebels will be building bonfires in the parking lot.

COLUMN: The Ivy-Covered Walls of Learning

By Tobin Barnes
Occasionally, justice is served.

I know, because lately I’ve been on the receiving end.

Let me explain my bout of comeuppance duly meted out.

This summer, my wife was plagued with a nasty bit of poison ivy. Actually, I’m sure she’d beg to differ as to the “bit” part because it tended to drive her nuts.

She went through tubes of cortisone cream, rolls of guaze, and many pads of sterile bandages trying to bring the affliction to an end. But seemingly, tamping down one outbreak only led to another. It went on for many weeks.

During this tribulation, my simple solution, “Just don’t scratch it,” was never much appreciated.

But I couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about. The closest I’d ever come to widespread skin irritation was when I used to caddy as a kid.

When walking the boundaries of the course or down by the creek, we often came in contact with something we called “itchweed.” We never knew what this stuff really was—not much into botanical nomenclature at that age.

Mostly, it would get on our legs when we weren’t watching out for the stuff, but sometimes it’d also attack our hands and arms when we’d reach down to pick up a ball out of the deep rough.

But we found that if we didn’t scratch the initial itch, it would soon go away. Lesson learned—anyway, as far as itchweed was concerned.

So, lesson applied to my wife’s case: “Gees, just don’t scratch it.”

It was like, what’s wrong with her? If she’d just leave it alone, it’d go away.
But as I indicated before, this advice quickly threatened to strain our relationship.

Eventually, her outbreak subsided.

Then, Pow!

I get the mother of all poison ivy outbreaks. It’s a case to make hers—in my eyes, anyway—seem a mere dalliance.

It started in a massive swath across my neck and collar bone area. (I’m thinking my dog, Matty, got into the stuff, and after I petted her, I must have rubbed my neck—the inflamed part was in the shape of fingers on a hand.)

After that, it jumped to about fifteen other smaller outbreaks across my upper body. Ah Chihuahua!

I may have spread it by toweling off after showers. Now I just drip dry like a piece of laundry, and that, along with massive doses of cortisone cream and spray seems to be helping somewhat.

I don’t intend to demean other people’s truly grave afflictions and suffering, but this was more hell than I was bargaining for after giving one loved one some good advice and another a few pats on the head.

And though I’ve been referring to this as a poison ivy attack—which is probably the generic cause most people’s minds leap to—maybe it’s poison oak or sumac, instead. Or maybe bitter vetch or angry anise or even p.o.-ed pansy. I just don’t know.

What I do know is that I’ll never belittle another’s suffering again. And I just might not pet my dog again until after we have a heavy freeze and all the plants die for the season.

And there’s a foot of snow on the ground.

And I’m wearing gloves.

Did You Get That?

Boyfriend Upgrade 5.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and installing Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please remember Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 to default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the operating system. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have a limited memory and can’t learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

from Computer humor found here.

Go Big Red

Roy Wilson says it took awhile after their move to a new house, but he's finally got his lawn put in.

Time to Update

Palin Pick

Office Memo

(Sent by Roy Wilson)
EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

GOP VP Choice

clipped from laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com Aired Friday night on NBC: Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is John McCain’s choice. Here’s what we know about her: her name is Sarah Palin. Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn’t want to have to be in a position to have to get C.P.R. from Mitt Romney. Palin and McCain are a good pair. She’s pro-life and he’s clinging to life. Today President Bush called Governor Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do.