Wrong Pet in the Crunch

Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: Here’s something great. Russian spy ring here in New York City. They were busted in New York City. Once again, they were spotted by an alert T-shirt vendor. Read more…

Last Week's Funniest Captions

Best Caption:

As he approached airport security, Ralph wondered if he would have to remove his shoes.

— ­ Posted by Fred Bell, East Lansing

Runners-up:

To Gird And Girdle Not.

— Posted by LAB

“You are goin' DOWN, Iron Man!”

— Posted by Jude Hawk, Ferndale, Calif.

I Approve This Ad's Honesty

Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: President Obama is being criticized now. Here’s the problem. The British Petroleum guy, Tony Hayward, was on his yacht recently. Everybody thought, whoa, this idiot. I mean, the Gulf of Mexico is turning to asphalt and the British Petroleum guy is relaxing on his yacht. When he heard about that, President Obama was so angry, he missed a putt. Read more…

Monologue | Tuesday night on “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” on NBC: Larry King’s oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him. Read more…

Monologue | Monday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: Because of the success of “Toy Story 3,” Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It’s BP presents “Try Finding Nemo Now.” Read more…

Yeah, I'm Sorry, but It's So Cute

Best Caption:

“SPF 10W-30 coming up!”

— ­ Posted by Fred Bell, East Lansing.

Runners-up:

“For dinner tonight let's all have the leak soup and tuna tar tar.”

— Posted by Paul Feehan, Key Biscayne, Fla.

The straw that drove Barack to Camels.

— Posted by finster, Medford, Mass.

COLUMN: Still Stupid After All These Years

By Tobin Barnes
“I’m not as young as I used to be.”
   
Well, thank you Captain Obvious.
   
Think about it. You can’t say any stupider words.
   
Yet who hasn’t said that hackneyed cliche, maybe a million times?
   
When it comes to it, I guess I’m as stupid as anybody.
   
Took a heck of a tumble on my bicycle the other day. Uh huh, I was chewing sod and spitting it out. Got beat up pretty bad. Or so I thought.
   
Just had to have broken something. Laid there and checked myself out. Thought  a jagged femur bone might have punched through the flesh of my thigh. Nope. Felt for blood. Nope. At least must have cracked some ribs, right? Well, maybe not.
   
Felt pretty abused though, I’ll tell you that.
   
I’d taken a corner way too sharply. Felt pretty cocky at the time, kinda like a kid. Lost some pounds in the last year, evidently thought I’d lost some decades, too.
   
Swaying down around that corner, my pedal caught the sidewalk, and in a flash, I was a beached whale wondering what I was doing on shore.
   
If I’d really been a kid, I’d have bounced across the grass, jumped up, laughed it off, and quickly been on my way, unabashed and still riding like a knucklehead.
   
But as I’ve indicated, there was no bouncing going on with this one. It was more like a pancake flop.
   
I’ve taken a way-more dramatic tumble bicycling than this one. Once I went keister over tea kettle across the handle bars because something seized up on my bike. (Yes, I have come to profoundly believe in helmets. Alleluia!)
   
That time I landed on the street, not on the grass. But that was maybe ten, fifteen years ago. I’ve found that those years make quite a difference in recovery time.
   
This time I’m hobbling around, popping Aleve, thinking I could use some home nursing care, and feeling sorry for myself because I can’t play golf for a few days.
   
Poor baby.
   
Yeah, I’m not as young as I used to be.
   
And while we’re at it, I’ve got a couple more complaints about life.
   
My wife, who was riding right behind me and saw it all, said it could have been worse.
   
And I’m thinking things could always be worse. Who wrote that rule? Why can’t they always be better, as in: “That could have been bad, but, hey, it turned out pretty darned good.”
   
Why can’t we do it like that?
   
Anyway, that would have been my way if I’d designed life.
   
And another thing. Why does time go fast when we’re having fun, but it goes slowly when we’re not.
   
We need to turn that around. Like this:
   
Riding my bike like a stupid kid that day was fun, and it seemed like it took forever. “Will this fun ever end?”
   
And when I finally crashed after a long, long time--like maybe an eternity--of having fun, it happened in a blink of an eye, and I hardly remember feeling anything, and before I knew it, I was playing golf again.
   
That would work a whole lot better, wouldn’t it?
      
   

What? Oh, It's from Glenn Beck

Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn’t that amazing. It proves that there’s absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can’t bridge. Read more…

Monologue | Monday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama. Read more…

Monologue | Monday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: They nabbed a couple of terrorists right here at J.F.K. And these guys have been training to become terrorists. They go to J.F.K., and they are boarding separate flights and they are going to go to Egypt and meet some buddies of theirs in Somalia. And I said well, no red flags there. Read more…

Totally Devoid of a Higher Reason

Al and Tipper Gore are splitting up after 40 years of marriage. Mrs. Gore said: “Oh, I was aware of those accusations that Al was a ‘tree hugger.’ I saw the smirks on people’s faces and I heard the snickering behind my back. For the longest time I refused to believe it, but eventually the evidence became overwhelming: the bark burns on his chest, the sap on his hands, the leaves and twigs in his hair. I knew it was more than ‘just bringing in some firewood.’” – Bill Mihalic, Rochester, Mich.