Good Pat Oliphant Cartoon: Shut Down

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Barneses in Europe, Part 2, Ghent and Damme

THE BOROWITZ REPORT: House Republicans Line Up for Free Annual Physicals Before Defunding Obamacare

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that they needed to be in peak physical condition for their looming effort to defund Obamacare, over a hundred House Republicans lined up for their free annual physicals today.

The physicals, part of Congress’s government-subsidized health-care package, yielded good news for many of the House G.O.P., who learned that they were strong and healthy enough for the demanding task of defunding Obamacare.

“My blood pressure was lower than I thought it would be,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio). “That’s amazing, because it goes through the roof whenever I think about how Obamacare would destroy America.”

Related articles

• House Passes Resolution to Defund Obamacare, GOP Calls on Senate to Do the Same

COLUMN: It Should Be All Fun

By Tobin Barnes

            We went to Europe last summer. It was our third time.

And like the other two, it was fun.

            But it’s not all fun.

            They should make trips to Europe, amongst other things, all fun. That would be a big improvement. Life would be better that way. Yeah, more enjoyable.

            They could start with the flights over and back. There’s no way you can call those fun.

            Matter of fact, they’re a major pain in the butt, literally and figuratively.

            It starts off with the price.

You spend about as much for the flight as what you end up spending in Europe. They need to fix that. The relative value is really skewed. Same price for each but really different perceptions toward the two things you’re getting: buyer’s remorse on one hand, glee on the other. Sure, you’re getting transportation, but come on.

            Then there’s the subject of comfort during these eight-to-nine hour flights. The sense of comfort in those seats lasts…oh…about fifteen minutes.

After fifteen minutes, you realize that the initial impression of actual foam was an illusion. And even during that first fifteen minutes you were suspicious.

            What they call seats should instead be loosely called seats. They should tell you that you’re renting the approximation of a seat. Now that would be truth in advertising.

            You can sit in these airline seats and that’s about it. Any other usual attributes of seats are completely missing from them.

            In regular real-life seats you don’t scrunch your seat right up against a wall of another seat. You don’t have your nose stuck in the back of a bunch of plastic.

No way. You’d move your seat back to allow a sense of space, a feeling of perspective, and an aura of well-being. You wouldn’t care to insert yourself into the impression of being in an ancient Roman rowing galley.

            Such is not the case with airline seats. You allow yourself to become a virtual sardine.

And those seatbelts are redundant. With or without them, you are going nowhere once shoehorned into your so-called seat, especially since you also have to deal with the placement of headphones, a pillow, and a blanket that they supposedly provide you to enhance your experience.

            Along with all the other accoutrements you brought to while away the time, you are now no longer a traveler, but rather a heaped-up stash.

            Add to all this an eight-hour layover in Chicago on the way back and you’ve got a couple of whimpering puppies protesting about the cruelty of life.

            So, no, it’s not all fun.

            But then I guess you’ve got to consider what inter-continental travel used to be like. Not only did trips take weeks, but there was seasickness, disease, shipwrecks, piracy, and the strong possibility that you might not even make it to your destination alive.

            People were tougher then than they are now.

            We’re wimps now. We whine when even the least little thing isn’t hunky-dory and all fun.

So, hey, there’s only one solution. They need to continue working on things so everything, like trips to Europe, are all fun and nothing but the fun.

GOOD LATE NIGHT: Jaguars and Donuts

Jacksonville Jaguars logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jay Leno

• The face value of tickets to this year's Super Bowl will be as high as $2,600. So that's what it will cost the Jacksonville Jaguars if they want to go to the Super Bowl — $2,600.
• Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia's anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert.

Conan

• Starbucks announced they don't want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin' Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that's more dangerous than what we serve.
• It turns out that a man who had been struggling with unexplained drunkenness actually had microbes in his stomach that produced alcohol that made him drunk. I don't have a joke for this, but I just want to let everyone know that this excuse does exist, seriously.

Jimmy Kimmel

• Researchers at Ohio State say the number of pedestrians who have been injured while using smartphones while walking has more than doubled since 2005. They also confirmed that those injuries are hilarious to watch.

Jimmy Fallon

• North Korea says it's ready to resume nuclear talks with the U.S. for the first time in five years. But President Obama said it's going to be pretty awkward — not talking to North Korea, but having to thank Dennis Rodman.
• Let’s see what else is going on in Washington. Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like, "Since when did they have a Plan A?"

THE ONION: Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.

The sick man, who confirmed that he makes a concerted effort to follow all manner of current events, evidently derives pleasure from torturing himself in this way, saying he likes to know as much as possible about the world in which he lives.