Headline Observation: God

“Man with 1st name 'God' sues credit rating agency” 
Supportive religious group claims God gets credit for everything

Headline Observation: Clowns

“Hey, does this water taste funny to you?” 
New bottled brand, Clown Town, appeals to circus fans 

Headline Observation: Elephants

“Politician fumes over ‘gay’ elephant in zoo”
Pachyderm count expected to remain static

Headline Observation: Pot Quality

"Woman complains to cops about pot quality"
Colo. authorities vow to leave no one stoned unturned

Headline Observations: Male Stripper

"Lawsuit: Male stripper did show at NY nursing home"
But really, only a few noticed, and they didn’t care

The Borowitz Report: RICK PERRY HOPES COMBINATION OF WEARING GLASSES AND NOT TALKING WILL MAKE HIM SEEM SMARTER

AUSTIN, Tex. (The Borowitz Report)—With an eye toward a Presidential run in 2016, Rick Perry, the Texas governor, is hoping that a two-pronged strategy of wearing glasses and not speaking will make him appear smarter to voters, aides to the Governor confirmed today.

“After the 2012 Republican primary, we knew that we needed to solve what we called the Governor’s smartness problem,” said Harland Dorrinson, an aide to Perry. “The fix that we came up with was glasses, but, as it turned out, that was only half the solution.”

After outfitting Perry with designer eyewear, aides sent him on the road to reintroduce himself to voters, but the response, Mr. Dorrinson said, was underwhelming: “The problem was, he was still talking.”

Headline Observation: Mines

“Rats and cats work to sniff out mines”
‘Problem is,’ handler says, ‘you get one trained and poof’

Headline Observations: Too Clean

“Woman divorces husband for cleaning too much” 

Judge grants on basis he isn’t really a man 

Headline Observation: Parachute

"Man sets record: smallest parachute"
Deceased achieved amazing speed but little, if any, braking power

Headline Observation: SHCOOL

“Embarrassing 'SHCOOL' sign corrected in NYC”
Superintendent blames faulty spell checker

“Woman uses mustache as disguise to steal from neighbors” 

‘It was really bushy’ according to one mislead victim 

“18,000 fake Viagra pills seized”
18,000 awkward moments avoided

“Teen drives truck into river, gets stuck” 
Real news would be ‘Drives into river, drives back out’ 

“Nude blonde, gold stilettos and a Ferrari…” 

Local authorities brace for trouble

The Borowitz Report: POLL: MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WOULD SUPPORT JEB BUSH PAINTING

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new poll released today shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans would support the idea of former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush taking up painting.

According to the poll, which has a margin of error of plus or minus three percentage points, seventy-four per cent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement: “Jeb Bush painting would be a really good thing for the United States and also for the rest of the world.”

A spokesman for Mr. Bush said that, as of yet, the former governor had made no decision to start painting but would “try to make up his mind by the end of the year” at the latest.

“Gov. Bush wants to serve his country and if he can best do that by painting, so be it,” the spokesman said.

Headline Observation:

“Colo. woman, 20, accused of taping dog to fridge” P.O.-ed pooch’s slashing teeth unique weight-loss method

The Borowitz Report: BOEHNER: “I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE SEVEN MILLION PEOPLE GET AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE”

John Boehner - Caricature (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A riveting scene unfolded in Congress today as a tearful Speaker John Boehner took to the floor of the House to tell his colleagues, “I don’t want to live in a world where seven million people get affordable health care.”

Tears streaming down his cheeks, Rep. Boehner appeared unable to maintain his composure as he delivered a speech interrupted by blubbering and sharp intakes of breath.

“What kind of a world is it where anyone can go on the Internet and get health care they can afford?” he said. “Not a world I’d care to live in, or leave to my children.”

“It’s not right… and it’s not America,” he said, breaking down.

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Headline Observation:

Tejas Nair Photography Sneakers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 “Dead herring odor upsets Maine residents” 

‘That kid needs a new pair of sneakers pronto,’ says neighbor 

Headline Observation:

English: Interstate 5 southbound in Everett, Washington; the northern end of an HOV lane. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Wash. man caught in HOV lane with unbuckled dummy”
Evidently, sharing commute with brother-in-law doesn’t count

The Borowitz Report: SUPREME COURT DEFENDS WEALTHY’S RIGHT TO OWN GOVERNMENT

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—By a five-to-four decision, the United States Supreme Court today defended the right of the wealthiest Americans to own the United States government.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts summarized the rationale behind the Court’s decision: “In recent years, this Court has done its level best to remove any barriers preventing the wealthiest in our nation from owning our government outright. And while the few barriers that remained were flimsy at best, it was high time that they be shredded as well.”

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• Humor: The Borowitz Report

Headline Observation:

“Clowning around pays off for circus hopefuls”
Doesn’t work so well for prospective mortuary employees

Headline Observation:

“Boom or bust, veteran bra maker still holding up”
'This industry immune to economic sags, downturns,' says spokesman