Barneses in Europe, Part 2, Ghent and Damme

THE BOROWITZ REPORT: House Republicans Line Up for Free Annual Physicals Before Defunding Obamacare

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that they needed to be in peak physical condition for their looming effort to defund Obamacare, over a hundred House Republicans lined up for their free annual physicals today.

The physicals, part of Congress’s government-subsidized health-care package, yielded good news for many of the House G.O.P., who learned that they were strong and healthy enough for the demanding task of defunding Obamacare.

“My blood pressure was lower than I thought it would be,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio). “That’s amazing, because it goes through the roof whenever I think about how Obamacare would destroy America.”

Related articles

• House Passes Resolution to Defund Obamacare, GOP Calls on Senate to Do the Same

COLUMN: It Should Be All Fun

By Tobin Barnes

            We went to Europe last summer. It was our third time.

And like the other two, it was fun.

            But it’s not all fun.

            They should make trips to Europe, amongst other things, all fun. That would be a big improvement. Life would be better that way. Yeah, more enjoyable.

            They could start with the flights over and back. There’s no way you can call those fun.

            Matter of fact, they’re a major pain in the butt, literally and figuratively.

            It starts off with the price.

You spend about as much for the flight as what you end up spending in Europe. They need to fix that. The relative value is really skewed. Same price for each but really different perceptions toward the two things you’re getting: buyer’s remorse on one hand, glee on the other. Sure, you’re getting transportation, but come on.

            Then there’s the subject of comfort during these eight-to-nine hour flights. The sense of comfort in those seats lasts…oh…about fifteen minutes.

After fifteen minutes, you realize that the initial impression of actual foam was an illusion. And even during that first fifteen minutes you were suspicious.

            What they call seats should instead be loosely called seats. They should tell you that you’re renting the approximation of a seat. Now that would be truth in advertising.

            You can sit in these airline seats and that’s about it. Any other usual attributes of seats are completely missing from them.

            In regular real-life seats you don’t scrunch your seat right up against a wall of another seat. You don’t have your nose stuck in the back of a bunch of plastic.

No way. You’d move your seat back to allow a sense of space, a feeling of perspective, and an aura of well-being. You wouldn’t care to insert yourself into the impression of being in an ancient Roman rowing galley.

            Such is not the case with airline seats. You allow yourself to become a virtual sardine.

And those seatbelts are redundant. With or without them, you are going nowhere once shoehorned into your so-called seat, especially since you also have to deal with the placement of headphones, a pillow, and a blanket that they supposedly provide you to enhance your experience.

            Along with all the other accoutrements you brought to while away the time, you are now no longer a traveler, but rather a heaped-up stash.

            Add to all this an eight-hour layover in Chicago on the way back and you’ve got a couple of whimpering puppies protesting about the cruelty of life.

            So, no, it’s not all fun.

            But then I guess you’ve got to consider what inter-continental travel used to be like. Not only did trips take weeks, but there was seasickness, disease, shipwrecks, piracy, and the strong possibility that you might not even make it to your destination alive.

            People were tougher then than they are now.

            We’re wimps now. We whine when even the least little thing isn’t hunky-dory and all fun.

So, hey, there’s only one solution. They need to continue working on things so everything, like trips to Europe, are all fun and nothing but the fun.

GOOD LATE NIGHT: Jaguars and Donuts

Jacksonville Jaguars logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jay Leno

• The face value of tickets to this year's Super Bowl will be as high as $2,600. So that's what it will cost the Jacksonville Jaguars if they want to go to the Super Bowl — $2,600.
• Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia's anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert.

Conan

• Starbucks announced they don't want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin' Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that's more dangerous than what we serve.
• It turns out that a man who had been struggling with unexplained drunkenness actually had microbes in his stomach that produced alcohol that made him drunk. I don't have a joke for this, but I just want to let everyone know that this excuse does exist, seriously.

Jimmy Kimmel

• Researchers at Ohio State say the number of pedestrians who have been injured while using smartphones while walking has more than doubled since 2005. They also confirmed that those injuries are hilarious to watch.

Jimmy Fallon

• North Korea says it's ready to resume nuclear talks with the U.S. for the first time in five years. But President Obama said it's going to be pretty awkward — not talking to North Korea, but having to thank Dennis Rodman.
• Let’s see what else is going on in Washington. Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like, "Since when did they have a Plan A?"

THE ONION: Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.

The sick man, who confirmed that he makes a concerted effort to follow all manner of current events, evidently derives pleasure from torturing himself in this way, saying he likes to know as much as possible about the world in which he lives.

Barneses in Europe, Part 1, Brussels and Bruges

Related articles

• Bruges: The Land of Fairytales and Swans
• Bruges: 7 Reasons The 'Venice Of Belgium' Is Worth Visiting

Sex Scandals in the Sun

By Gail Collins

...The nation is always going to have political sex crises, but, in a perfect world, we would confine them to Congress. The only thing you really need members of Congress to do is vote the way you want them to. They can be a day away from indictment or as crazy as a loon and it doesn’t make a whole lot of difference.

For instance, you may be totally unaware that this week we got a new chapter in the story of the private life of Representative Steve Cohen of Tennessee. His saga went like this:

■ Congressman gets caught sending a lovey-dovey text to an aspiring swimsuit model.

■ In defense, congressman announces that the woman in question is actually his recently uncovered love child.

■ Congressman and surprise daughter take DNA tests for CNN. There’s no relationship.

■ Asked for further comment, congressman tells a female reporter: “You’re very attractive, but I’m not talking about it.”....

COLUMN: A Smaller Slice of Action, Please

By Tobin Barnes
This is going to sound un-American. NASCAR fans aren't going to be happy with me. The NRA is going to think I'm a Pinko. Mixed martial arts guys are going to think I'm light in the loafers.

But here goes, anyway.

Look, I'm not a fan of "action" movies.

Yeah, I agree. That's a pretty bold statement. Makes me an instant suspect.

Despite all the action in "action" movies--and, oh my goodness, there's plenty to go around--I'm almost always bored by it all. I usually have a hard time even finishing a typical "action" movie, let alone liking it.

But I do have to admit those movies are true to their billing. Unlike a "comedy," which often isn't funny, an action movie always has plenty of action.

But, whoa, you say. How can I be bored by "plenty of action"?

Cars are crashing in bigger numbers than they've ever crashed before and in more exotic, unusual places, and, not only that, but in new and unique ways....

Bullets are spraying in their millions, blood is spurting by the buckets, and people are dying in the hundreds....

Gimcrack gizmos, special effects, and computer generated shebangs are zipping and zapping all over the place....

And you say you're bored?

Yep, bored to tears; that is, when I'm not being repulsed by all the mass-market-pleasing violence.

Take Django Unchained, for example. Infinite shooting via western six-guns with hundred-round clips, white honkies dying in piles, and blood, blood, blood.

Well, to me, that's just violence porn.

When too much violence is happening, it can't be absorbed. It's a video game, not a movie. It all becomes meaningless.

Maybe that's the point, but then what's the point?

So much is going on in these so-called blockbusters that none of it is remarkable, let alone memorable, despite all the perpetual whizz bang. Action isn't in the script, it is the script.

There's so much there, there, there isn't anything there anymore. It's become vacuous movement, signifying nothing.

It didn't always used to be this way. Storytelling had deaths, violence, and destruction, sure, but it was ladled out as the plot required, not exaggerated as an end in itself.

That all started back in the late 60's with Bullitt, the Steve McQueen "vehicle" where he and his green

Mustang terrorize the streets of San Francisco tearing after two middle-aged gangsters in a black Dodge.

No doubt it was thrilling stuff at the time because such eye-popping stunt work was relatively new.

Then came The French Connection with a similarly apprehend-or-die obsessed cop careening through New York City streets with many times more dodge ball citizen-contestants at risk from someone sworn "To protect and to serve." He was trying to save us from drugs, but who was saving us from him?

And ever since the geometric inflation of crashes, shootings, deaths, maiming, destruction, and mayhem have mushroomed on our movie screens.

Almost universally, those involved in real-life violent situations, even bystanders, suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome, oftentimes for the rest of their lives, but we sure don't seem to mind experiencing violence at its goriest as our entertainment.

Weird.

People seem to want to be tough guys until the rubber hits the road, then they don't think so much about being a tough guy anymore.

As for me, put a hold on the "action," please. Instead, give me artfully rendered story and character development and put in the action only where it belongs to believably serve the plot.

Keep the horse in front of the cart.

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoon: Proposal