OFF THE WALL...

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

“Teen drives truck into river, gets stuck”
Real news would be ‘Drives into river, drives back out’

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

“Nude blonde, gold stilettos and a Ferrari…”

Local authorities brace for trouble

Monday, April 7, 2014

The Borowitz Report: POLL: MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WOULD SUPPORT JEB BUSH PAINTING

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new poll released today shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans would support the idea of former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush taking up painting.

According to the poll, which has a margin of error of plus or minus three percentage points, seventy-four per cent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement: “Jeb Bush painting would be a really good thing for the United States and also for the rest of the world.”

A spokesman for Mr. Bush said that, as of yet, the former governor had made no decision to start painting but would “try to make up his mind by the end of the year” at the latest.

“Gov. Bush wants to serve his country and if he can best do that by painting, so be it,” the spokesman said.

Headline Observation:

“Colo. woman, 20, accused of taping dog to fridge” P.O.-ed pooch’s slashing teeth unique weight-loss method

Friday, April 4, 2014

The Borowitz Report: BOEHNER: “I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE SEVEN MILLION PEOPLE GET AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE”

John Boehner - Caricature (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A riveting scene unfolded in Congress today as a tearful Speaker John Boehner took to the floor of the House to tell his colleagues, “I don’t want to live in a world where seven million people get affordable health care.”

Tears streaming down his cheeks, Rep. Boehner appeared unable to maintain his composure as he delivered a speech interrupted by blubbering and sharp intakes of breath.

“What kind of a world is it where anyone can go on the Internet and get health care they can afford?” he said. “Not a world I’d care to live in, or leave to my children.”

“It’s not right… and it’s not America,” he said, breaking down.

Headline Observation:

Tejas Nair Photography Sneakers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Dead herring odor upsets Maine residents”

‘That kid needs a new pair of sneakers pronto,’ says neighbor

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Headline Observation:

English: Interstate 5 southbound in Everett, Washington; the northern end of an HOV lane. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Wash. man caught in HOV lane with unbuckled dummy”
Evidently, sharing commute with brother-in-law doesn’t count

The Borowitz Report: SUPREME COURT DEFENDS WEALTHY’S RIGHT TO OWN GOVERNMENT

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—By a five-to-four decision, the United States Supreme Court today defended the right of the wealthiest Americans to own the United States government.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts summarized the rationale behind the Court’s decision: “In recent years, this Court has done its level best to remove any barriers preventing the wealthiest in our nation from owning our government outright. And while the few barriers that remained were flimsy at best, it was high time that they be shredded as well.”