Headline Observation: God

“Man with 1st name 'God' sues credit rating agency” 
Supportive religious group claims God gets credit for everything

Headline Observation: Clowns

“Hey, does this water taste funny to you?” 
New bottled brand, Clown Town, appeals to circus fans 

Headline Observation: Elephants

“Politician fumes over ‘gay’ elephant in zoo”
Pachyderm count expected to remain static

Headline Observation: Pot Quality

"Woman complains to cops about pot quality"
Colo. authorities vow to leave no one stoned unturned

Headline Observations: Male Stripper

"Lawsuit: Male stripper did show at NY nursing home"
But really, only a few noticed, and they didn’t care

The Borowitz Report: RICK PERRY HOPES COMBINATION OF WEARING GLASSES AND NOT TALKING WILL MAKE HIM SEEM SMARTER

AUSTIN, Tex. (The Borowitz Report)—With an eye toward a Presidential run in 2016, Rick Perry, the Texas governor, is hoping that a two-pronged strategy of wearing glasses and not speaking will make him appear smarter to voters, aides to the Governor confirmed today.

“After the 2012 Republican primary, we knew that we needed to solve what we called the Governor’s smartness problem,” said Harland Dorrinson, an aide to Perry. “The fix that we came up with was glasses, but, as it turned out, that was only half the solution.”

After outfitting Perry with designer eyewear, aides sent him on the road to reintroduce himself to voters, but the response, Mr. Dorrinson said, was underwhelming: “The problem was, he was still talking.”

Headline Observation: Mines

“Rats and cats work to sniff out mines”
‘Problem is,’ handler says, ‘you get one trained and poof’

Headline Observations: Too Clean

“Woman divorces husband for cleaning too much” 

Judge grants on basis he isn’t really a man 

Headline Observation: Parachute

"Man sets record: smallest parachute"
Deceased achieved amazing speed but little, if any, braking power

Headline Observation: SHCOOL

“Embarrassing 'SHCOOL' sign corrected in NYC”
Superintendent blames faulty spell checker