By Tobin Barnes
“The times they are a-changin’,” as Bob Dylan noted. And no more than today. Sometimes a person doesn’t know what’s what. The other night, I was reading these news headlines from AP and Reuters when I happened to nod off and had the following sub-headlines nightmare:
“N.C. Jail Guard Claims $74.5M Lottery”
Inmates find it difficult to share his glee
“Global Vote Will Pick World's 'New' Seven Wonders"
Early favorite: How can bin Laden still be alive?
“Woman Allegedly Stabs Man During Sex”
Performance pressure ratchets up a notch
“Nude Jogger to Miss ‘Liberating Feeling’”
Bystanders not nearly as nostalgic
“Mummified Body Found in Front of Blaring TV”
Died 14 years ago but never missed a Super Bowl
“Math Anxiety Saps Working Memory Needed to Do Math”
Initiates new chicken/egg dilemma: What comes first? The anxiety or the wrong answer
“Eek!: Men Flee After Seeing 'Giant Rat'”
Another rush to rehab: This time for ‘Girlie-Man Syndrome’
“Village Sells Street Names to Raise Cash”
Plan backfires when locals realize they live at corner of Trump, Trump, Trump and Trump
“Man Aged 107 Forsakes Sex for Longevity”
Says it was fun while it lasted, but thinks late nights taking toll
“Paraguay Swallows Tall Tale of Husband-Eating Boa”
However, some wives suspected it was too good to be true
“Why It’s Gross to Kiss Your Sister”
She looks too much like you
“Free Coffee Offered for Info on Gunman”
And a jelly doughnut if you’re willing to testify
“N.M. Orders 500 Talking Urinal Cakes”
Hopes to convince drunks they’re really big drunks
“Tiny Duckling Has Rare Mutation: 4 Legs”
Oddity may cause it to quack up
“Fortune: Year of Pig Will Bring Disaster”
In Iraq, years of camel, goat, and sheep not so hot either
“Man Grabs Shark With Hands; Blames Vodka”
Vows to avoid meeting lawyer friend at happy hour
“Pa. Man Uses Robot to Plow His Driveway”
Admits big snows are hell on batteries
“Thinking Outside the Box with Crazy Coffins”
‘We’d like to bring a smile to normally drab ceremonies,’ says company spokesman
“Men-Free Tourism Island Planned"
Problem: Women can’t afford to stay forever
“Fighting Surgeons Leave Patient in the Lurch”
Who gets to bill for what sparks scalpel-wielding fracas
“Angry Tourists Break Mugger's Neck"
Whole thing started when he got in way of picture
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