Women In Art

Really neat.

CARTOONS: Gas Prices

(Sent by Roy Wilson)

Ironic Times Headlines

Bush Defends Immigration Plan, Gonzales
Says if it weren't for immigration we wouldn't have Gonzales

Iraqi Farmers Now Growing Opium Instead of Rice
Transition to democracy nearly complete

One Drink a Day May Slow Mental Decline in Elderly
Seniors urged to patronize restaurants with Early Bird Happy Hours.

MURPHYS: Trinidad Inc.

My brother-in-law Tom, Jeannie's brother, and his wife Paula have been keeping a little more than busy, running a mortuary, two newspapers, and a local cable-access TV channel featuring, among other things, a cooking show starring Paula. Read about it in the Denver Post by clicking the title or the picture.

COLUMN: Another Dog and Pony Show

By Tobin Barnes
People send questions to the Internet portal, Yahoo! (The exclamation mark is part of their trademark, not necessarily my sentence.) The portal people then tell the curious and everyone else (perhaps the vast majority) how to find the answers using the Internet.

I, on the other hand, don't need to be told. I know the answers to Yahoolish questions like the following:

“Some of my friends have a fear of clowns. Why is this?”

Early on they got some bad advice, as in, “Some clown told me to invest in Enron.”

"Did Darwin coin the phrase, 'survival of the fittest'?"

No. That’s an urban legend.

Darwin, an astute observer of his environment, had seen the results of prior U.S. presidential elections and wasn’t yet ready to go that far. Later, it took an unbridled optimist to have the courage to start using that phrase.

“Who invented the remote control?”

My old man.

Whenever he wanted to see what was on one of the other two channels, he’d tell me to get up and change it.

“How do clowns do their tricks?”

Generally, in a humorous sort of way.

“I’ve heard there are only seven basic story plots. What are they?”

Well, actually, to simplify it even further, there’s only one basic story: boy meets girl.

From there, variations of tragedy, comedy, and irony arise—once in a while, satire. Sometimes, you get a happy ending, but it takes years to fill out that plot and most people lose interest well before then.

“What can you tell me about Rube Goldberg?”

He was a cartoonist who designed absurdly complex contraptions that would go through ridiculous contortions to accomplish simple, everyday tasks any child could manage—much the way many employees are forced to function in their work places.

“Who invented Sudoku?”

A fiend.

What does it mean when a product is ‘organic’?”

It’s going to cost you more.

But...

It’s a small price to pay for better health, which, when you think out it, is priceless. (Boy, that’s heavy, as we used to say back about the time Earth Day popped up.)

“Are dogs’ mouths really cleaner than humans’?”

No doubt. Obscenity-wise.

“How many people are running for president in 2008?”

A virtual manna from heaven, especially if there is a grain or two among the chaff.

The number of candidates is quite amazing, considering what we put them through.

If only this enormously expensive dog-and-pony show actually worked. The evidence lately has not substantiated the process, which becomes more convoluted each go around.

“What exactly is tapioca?”

Fish eyes.

Or anyway, that’s what some kid told me when I was little.

Laugh Lines: Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien

As usual, some good ones.

SLIDE SHOW: Johnny

Heartwarming little message sent by Roy Wilson. Click the title.

Good One from Ironic Times

REMINDER
	If we never leave, they can't follow us home.

SLATE: Newsreel on April '07

Here's another thing Slate.com does very well. (Click the title.)

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The Ethicist: No Edit

Being a high school English teacher, this is one that's always concerned me. Too bad there's no real consensus. Is a teacher hurting or helping, and how about everybody else? (Click the title.)

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David Letterman: Top 10 for Lame Nudist Colony

VIDEO: Redneck Fishing Tournament

Click the title. (Sent by Roy Wilson)

1923 Roll Call

(Sent by Roy Wilson)
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However:
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure
at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.

How to Spot a South Dakota Resident Who Has Had a DUI

(Sent by Joey Larson)

COLUMN: The Death of a Brown Paper Sack

By Tobin Barnes
I eat lunch with this guy just about every workday. He teaches science at my school. Used to be a mining engineer before he got into education. His specialty was explosives. But I wouldn’t say “explosive” would describe his personality.

After all, you’ve heard the joke about engineers: How do you tell if an engineer is reserved or outgoing? A reserved engineer, when he’s talking to you, looks at his shoes. An outgoing engineer looks at your shoes.

Of course, that’s an exaggeration. The engineer I work with will even make eye contact once in a while. A better description of him would be my own conception of engineers—organized and efficient.

I’ve talked about him before. He’s the guy who was driving into a big parking lot following the arrows the way they’d like you to. Up ahead, he saw this woman waiting for an opening parking spot, blinking her turn signal indicating she was going to take the spot as soon as the parked car pulled out.

But she was coming down the lane in the wrong direction. In other words, she wasn’t following the arrows. My engineer friend decided to teach her a lesson about parking lot etiquette. When the parked car pulled out, he adroitly slipped into the space himself. The woman was outraged that he’d do such a thing.

Later in the store, when he ran into the woman again, she pointed him out to the woman accompanying her and said, “There’s the (disparaging epithet) who took my parking space.”

But my engineer friend knows you’ve got to be ready to absorb such slings and arrows when you’re organized and efficient in a world that isn’t.

Another example of his engineer’s mind is what he brings to lunch each day—a half sandwich and an apple. No more, no less.

Of course, he’d read that last point and say, “How about you?” And I’d have to admit that I’m somewhat structured myself. After all, I’ve sat in the same place at lunch for years, and I’d also have to admit that for 31 years I’ve brought nothing for lunch but a sandwich as well, and I’m no engineer.

But here’s the difference. I bring a whole sandwich--none of this half-sandwich stuff. And here’s another thing. He’s brought his half sandwich and apple in the same sack for the last two years.

You heard me, the same sack.

Now you can imagine that sack’s gotten pretty ratty in those two years’ time. But he’s organized and efficient, as well as another thing about engineers. He’s determined. He’s saving the earth one sack at a time.

He decided at the beginning of the current school year that if he could use the same sack for one year, he could use the same sack for two years. Three might not be out of the question.

Well, the engineer and I each lunch with this third guy, who also teaches science, and he’s just about as quirky as we are, maybe more so when I think about it. Anyway, the two of us got tired of this engineer going on and on about using the same sack for almost two school years. So we finally took action.

Being organized and efficient, the engineer heads to the can every day right before going back to his classroom, trustingly leaving his sack lying out on the lunch table.

Now what I’m going to tell you probably says more about me and the other guy than it does about the engineer (after all, you’ll see us as conniving while you’ll see him as a blessed, trusting soul), but we’ve been putting little tears in that old beat-up sack for the last two weeks. And although the sack had been in rough shape before, it was dying a quick death now. It soon, due to our nefarious devices, became a sack in name only.

The engineer noticed the difference, of course (he’s a scientist, for crying out loud), but he never suspected his lunchmates as the assassins we’d become. Instead, stiff lipped, he soldiered on, cradling the poor, battered sack from refrigerator to table like a maimed and wounded war buddy. He continued to think the cause of the sack’s painful demise was normal wear and tear. Little did he suspect, regarding the latter cause.

But then today, he finally threw in the sack: “This morning when I was packing my lunch,” he told us, somewhat wistfully, “I put my apple in and it fell out one of the holes. I put it back in, but then the sandwich fell out. I finally gave up.”

We knew it was time to fess up.

“You (disparaging epithets),” he cried.

Tick Warning

(Sent by Joey Larson, but I don't think she was the one who fell for it.)

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but this one is important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail lists.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up...

DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked...

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

2006 Darwin Awards Announced

It's not a kind memorial, but at least it's a memorial for these recipients. Click the link: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin06.asp  (Found on Snopes.com)

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COLUMN: House of the Seven Putdowns

By Tobin Barnes
I’ve been watching the TV show “House.”

A lot, I’m afraid.

Lately anyway.

I’m kind of a new arrival, but I’m catching up. Been watching a couple times a week, I guess, as they’ve been running new shows one night and reruns another.

And yes, I’ve got a life beyond TV, thank you. Well, kinda. But that’s neither here nor there.

Thing is, if you haven’t taken the time to watch the show yourself, it’s about this grumpy doctor and his put-upon doctor assistants who take a lot of guff from him, mostly because he’s so good he can get away with it.

The grumpy doctor’s name is House, as you may have supposed, and he’s not only grumpy, but also sarcastic, rude, mean, egotistical, and not particularly communicative in a touchy-feely sort of way.

He’s the embodiment of just about all the things women hate in men. Women on the show are always rolling their eyes at him, and deservedly so. But then, so do most of the men, who, unlike House, seem to have become gratefully enlightened and reconstructed.

The nagging problem for all non-Neanderthals in the cast is that House is very good at what he does. And that’s solving medical mysteries and saving lives.

The patients come into the hospital with some deathly condition that no one can figure out...except for House, that is.

Of course, they’ve got to make a show of it, so the problem takes some analysis. House and his minions, as he readily refers to them (not to mention worse epithets, like lackeys), have to wrack their brains during white-board sessions visualizing the puzzle. This is where House gets to sarcastically scoff at his assistant doctors when they come up with their obviously lame solutions.

In the meantime, between predatory gabfests, the doctors torture the living hell out of the patient with all kinds of nastily invasive tests. Big honking needles all over the place emphasized by screaming patients. House and friends particularly like spinal taps. (God spare me from one of those.)

The patient generally gets a heck of a lot worse, oftentimes due to the trial treatments, before they’re finally—usually anyway—cured by the end of the show. It’s a tough row the patient has to hoe with House at the helm: mentally, emotionally, and physically.

His bedside manner is akin to that of Attila the Hun. The patient is often left pondering the old saw, “What’s worse, the cure or the disease?”

But men like this show. It’s about tough love where the love part doesn’t have to be obvious, just the tough part.

Yeah, House is a man’s man.

He’s great at what he does. Men like that.

Though he suffers with a painful gimp leg, he soldiers on. Okay, he has to take handfuls of pain meds, but he diligently dodges warm-fuzzy therapies that might actually help him, so that makes him even with men.

And most of all, men like that he, if not them, gets to say what he wants when he wants and never apologize, and not only that, but you’ll never see him taking out the garbage, either.

Grrrrrrr!

SLATE SLIDESHOW: Edward Hopper

I really enjoy Slate.com's art slideshows, and being a big fan of Edward Hopper's work, I found this one particularly interesting.

VIDEO: Cat, Get Out of My Bed!

Don't know which one's smarter, the dog or the cat. (Sent by Roy Wilson)

The Ethicist: Baby Boomers--Sex Changes Plus Desire and Deceit

More Dear Abby with class, but always realize these have nothing to do with me.

Laugh Lines: Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien

Always a few good ones.

COLUMN: Oddities from hither and yon

By Tobin Barnes
Spanning the information globe so you don’t have to, here’s my latest collection of stories from the range of the strange:

First up, we have this kid who got a toilet seat stuck on his head.

“Strange place for calisthenics,” you’re thinking? “Quite a hat size!” you apprise?

Nope, you’d be wrong. It all comes down to a tot and his pot. But it took firefighters to resolve the situation.

According to the London bureau of Reuters, “The toddler, aged two-and-a-half, and his mother walked into a fire station in Braintree, Essex, saying the boy had put his head through a small trainer seat for the toilet and now could not remove it.”

Of course, we’ve all learned not to overestimate the judgment of two-year-olds, but if nothing else, I managed to avoid this in my youth. How about you?

"His mum had tried to get it over his head but couldn’t budge it so she walked him down here and asked us to have a look at it...," firefighter Chris Cox said.

That walk to the fire station must have turned an eye or two. And you think the mother could have mustered the nerve to berate gawkers with a snarky, “What are you looking at?”

Hardly. A walk like that requires humility and charm.

The no doubt bemused but also no doubt discreet firefighters in the presence of “Mum” alleviated the problem with dish soap: “It slid off nice as pie.”

Next up, the apocalypse has finally arrived. Minnesota, of all places, has succumbed to debauchery. And if Minnesota, can SoDak be far behind?

Approximately 200 students at respectable Concordia College in Moorhead were seen skinny dipping in the campus pond, celebrating their graduation.

Even when campus security arrived, the students refused to cooperate. Matter of fact, they became boldly and nakedly uncooperative.

(Could “Hands up!” have been part of the problem?)

According to the Associated Press, “Moorhead police were called after students pushed the security officer’s golf cart into the pond.”
Now there’s an unanticipated water hazard.

When police arrived at the wade-in, quaintly reminiscent of hippie days a la Woodstock, they encountered 50-75 revelers still in various states of undress, but saw no one completely naked. Of course, there are some things you just don’t want to see in this age of overeating and obesity.

Anyway, no one was arrested, but some could be charged for damage to the golf cart. Concordia security chief Sherri Arnold said they’re on the trail of ten people. But it’s not a CSI-level water trail as you’d expect with DNA evidence and such.

They left their clothes and wallets behind.
Finally, I’ve had some dull days in my life but I’ve never been this bored.

Reuters reports, “A large English cheddar cheese has become a star of the Internet, attracting more than one million viewers to sit and stare at it as it slowly ripens.”

If you yourself also feel a need to check the cheese, go to www.cheddarvision.tv.

People from as hither and yon as Albania and New Zealand have clicked in, but the most hits have come from the United States. Yep, couch potatoes like their cheese.

“First placed in front of a webcam in late December, the Westcombe cheddar from West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers leaped (Is ‘leaped’ really the right word?) to public attention in early February and has since attracted viewers from 119 countries.”

Of course, this is right up Dullmen.com’s alley. They pounced on the cheddar.

As the site advertises itself, it’s “a place--in cyberspace--where Dull Men can share thoughts and experiences, free from pressures to be in and trendy, free instead to enjoy the simple, ordinary things of everyday life.”

Some of their favorite activities include watching corn grow, observing the luggage carousel at Dulles Airport (Dull-es, get it?), and Applecam, where they are watching “an apple blossom turn into an apple.”

Ripening cheese fits into their agenda like all get out. If only someone could invent smell-a-vision. But then, that might be a little too exciting for dull men.

The Green Challenge

Slate's running a series on being green that's worth a look. This week they cover "Green Food" and encourage people to consume local production.

Seeing No Progress, Some Schools Drop Laptops

It depends on what kind of progress you're talking about. Laptops certainly won't do much for basic skills, but they will allow students imaginations to leap. All our students at Spearfish High School have had laptops as of the beginning of this year. I think they're great for both the teachers and the students, but I can see where a lot of the problems come from talked about in this article (click the link or picture from the New York Times). Hopefully, we in South Dakota can stay on top of the problems while reaping the benefits. It'd be tough to go back.

Claus in Trouble

(Sent by Roy Wilson)