Living Will

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

(Sent by Joey Larson)

Food for Thought

Pretty witty stuff:

More images here.

Latest Daily Show

Palin on SNL: In Case You Missed It (Which I did)

COLUMN: The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth

By Tobin Barnes
“The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”

We’ve heard those words countless times. When a person is sworn in to testify in a court room, he or she is asked to pledge to do exactly that.

Actually, we’ve heard that mantra so often, we tend to over-simplify it into, “Don’t lie!” But in the process of over-simplification, lies are sometimes allowed to run rampant.

Take political advertising, for instance.

But I’ll get back to that later.

First, let’s analyze, “The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” Almost sounds redundant, doesn’t it. Why drag it out? For poetic effect?

Hardly.

There’s a good reason witnesses aren’t asked simply to tell “the truth.” Throughout mankind’s experience, that standard has been found to be nowhere near enough to get to the heart of the matter.

“The whole truth” is also necessary. As we’ve learned in life, leaving out most or even parts of the truth can greatly distort the meaning of telling the truth. When things are left out, even small amounts, the truth is not being served.

But that’s still not enough. We must also have “Nothing but the truth.”

A witness may relate the truth and the whole truth, but yet fall short by also including extraneous material that, again, may distort the meaning of the truth. He or she may “muddy the waters,” so to speak with distortions and prevarications, leaving the jurors with a less than clear impression of “The truth.”

Therefore, “The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”

And though sought in the courtroom, the standard seems to have no footing in the political world. Sadly, to an innocent babe in woods as I am, neither major political party sends their campaign ads through such a tough muster.

Instead, distortion seems to rule the airwaves and the print media. The whole truth is seldom represented unless you judge by small snippets. Sometimes only phrases, maybe.

Even those are often taken out of context. In doing so, we lose “the whole truth.”

And nothing but the truth? Everything except the kitchen sink is oftentimes thrown in with the truth to confuse and obfuscate.

In political advertising, truth all-too-often is not the goal. Truth is the intended victim. And again, sadly, it all too often works.

Now all this is allowed to happen because of free speech, and thank goodness for it. We cherish free speech, however perverse or contorted it can sometimes be, because theoretically its ultimate validity is rigorously tested in the marketplace of ideas where the populace determines whether that free speech shines light or simple conjures a bunch of fallacious hooey.

So eventually, after everyone has had their say, we come to an understanding of the truth, and in the meantime people have had the honored freedom to speak their piece.

But the problem comes with the “eventually” part. Eventually takes time, and in the heated and compact swirl of the political arena, the “eventually” may come well after the election when sneaking suspicions arise far too long after the deed has already been done.

And that’s where the truth can take a beating.

Given the choice, I’d naively wager most citizens would like the political parties to be wholly truthful and nothing but truthful in their campaigns, advertising and rhetoric--in other words, responsible guardians of the public welfare. After all, their candidates will potentially be in charge of that welfare.

But how can that compact with the people be valid when those same candidates used half-truths, deceit, and distortion to get into positions of power? Is it to be expected that they’ll thereafter suddenly see the light and side solely with the better angels of their nature once in office?

Again, hardly.

How unfortunate that the candidates who ask us to trust them have so often already intentionally breached that trust in their campaigns.

So what’s the electorate’s only recourse?

Never trust them again.

Two Pretty Good Standup Comedians

Both Obama and McCain are pretty darned funny. Both ten minute speeches are worth listening to:

Obama...Whatever

As you probably have figured, I'm an Obama guy, and I think I know why. Not everybody does. Listen in:

http://www.bpmdeejays.com/upload/hs_sal_in_Harlem_100108.mp3

(Sent by Roy Wilson)

Latest Monologue

‘He’s Tweaking That Financial Bailout’

Aired Monday night on CBS: Today’s Columbus Day, the day we celebrate Christopher Columbus discovering America, or as it is now known, “a fixer-upper.”

A lot of things on sale on Columbus Day. You can get a good deal on a dining room set, mattresses, General Motors.

President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, “It’s a good thing I’m in charge.” And I know that’s what we’re all thinking.

But Bush says he’s going to tweak the financial package. He’s going to tweak the financial bailout. That’s what he’s doing now. He’s tweaking that financial bailout. That’s like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu.

Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he’ll be out of office. Read more …

COLUMN: A Wink Is as Good as a Nod to a Blind Horse

By Tobin Barnes
We’ve had a lot of winking going on recently in Presidential politics. John McCain winks a lot, and, disturbingly, so does his running mate, Sarah Palin.

I don’t know about you, but winking creeps me out.

It has ever since I was a kid. I used to caddy at the local country club in my hometown of Mitchell, South Dakota. I was an impressionable lower middle-class kid trying to make a few bucks over the summer. Same as a few other kids. My family never had much money, but members at the country club seemed to have plenty.

Of course, that’s relatively speaking. Those local country club members probably had nothing compared to real money outside South Dakota.

Anyway, we caddies would spend the day sitting around waiting for caddy jobs. One week this out-of-towner came along several days in a row. I think he was in town visiting some in-laws. Maybe he came out to the golf course to get away from them.

For some reason, he’d take time every day to talk to us caddies. And we were impressed. Generally, no one paid attention to us unless we got in the way.

He’d go into these monologues offering us his experiences and wisdom. It was kind of weird, really, now that I think back on it.

What I remember most about these sessions is that he’d punctuate his tidbits of advice about life with plentiful winks. And I was going along with it. I’d been around winkers before. But eventually he started launching into this philosophy that really turned me off.

He told us, “The world is for the takers.” And he’d repeat it again and again with winks, like he was making us privy to some inside scoop that would change our lives.

It was then that I realized that he was full of baloney, and all his winking was a bunch of baloney, too. And I was only twelve years old.

Yeah, great philosophy! Great for widows and orphans.

This guy thought that being a predator was a lifestyle kids should emulate.

Ever since, I haven’t had much time for winkers.

I figure there’s two reasons people wink a lot. And I don’t care for either.

The first? A winker has decided that winking is a way to gain instant intimacy with other people. They think it’s a way of expressing friendliness, bonhomie, and comradeship. So they flash their winks all over the place like some friendliness tool. It seems disconcertingly manipulative to me.

And worse, this winking becomes a habit, eventually gets out of control, and it’s like the person ends up with a facial tic. Consequently, they’re winking all the time, which really seems phony.

John McCain, unfortunately, has become a compulsive winker.

The second reason people wink a lot? The winker is letting you in on an inside joke. Uh huh, there’s a fool thereabouts, sometimes in their immediate presence, so let’s have a laugh at his or her expense.

That type of wink is condescending. It’s like you’re on the inside of the people-in-the-know group and the fool’s on the outside. It’s not only condescending, like referring to someone else as “That one,” it’s also demeaning and, ultimately, rude.

Sarah Palin, again unfortunately, engages in this type of winking.

Both types turn me off.

I prefer those who don’t engage in such petty, gimcrack tricks. Just like I prefer people who are repelled by such trickle-down philosophies as, “The world is for the takers.”

We’re suffering enough, and may suffer much more, from such self-centered Wall Street-type predators.

I bet they do a lot of winking, too.

The Bark Knight

Latest Monologues

‘Things Are Really Getting Nasty’

Aired Thursday night on CBS: Beautiful day in New York City today, where it was 73 and sunny. John McCain, 73 and cranky.

I like John McCain. He looks like a guy would you see wandering around Walgreens looking for the dye gel.

John McCain looks like the guy at Home Depot who mixes paint.

Things are really getting nasty in the campaign. Listen to this. Today, John McCain tried to link Barack Obama to the Chicago Cubs. Read more …

COLUMN: Time to Get Ready to Paddle

By Tobin Barnes
Something flushed the toilet, and now we’re all white-water rafting down the big dark tube.

Yeah, that’s what it feels like.

Especially for those who closely follow the news. It’s like watching an episodic horror show with daily cliffhangers. And you and me are the victims trying to evade some unseen slasher.

But what was that “something” that flipped the toilet handle in the first place? What sent us into this swirling maelstrom?

Maybe only a select few in the upper reaches of the Fed and Treasury know. After all, they’re the ones privy to all the arcane economic data. But maybe they don’t either.

That could be the really scary thing about this freak show. Could be they’re only guessing and hoping.

And then there’s Congress. They only seem to know what the Fed and Treasury tell them. They’re guessing and hoping big time. Their political lives depend upon making the right votes. But who among us gives a horse’s patoot about their careers. Silly us, we’d like to think they’re doing the right thing, not the electable thing.

In those bailout (rescue?) negotiations of the last couple weeks, many members of Congress have swayed to and fro with the fickle breeze of their constituencies. Uh huh, the irregular pulse of the masses.

Now that’s some really solid criteria to hang your hat on. What does the average constituent know about rewiring high-level economic policy, especially when he knows little or nothing of the details?

Zippo, my friend.

As the late, great George Carlin said, “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

Sure it gripes everybody’s heinie thinking about those $75-million bonuses on Wall Street and its to-heck-with-everybody-else-as-long-as-I-get-my-bundle attitude. Who wants to give them hundreds of billions of dollars?

But how does that well-founded outrage keep us out of another Great Depression?

I’ve heard some say that what we need is a massive financial crisis like the one the country barely survived in the 1930’s. Clean out the sludge.

No thanks.

That was a twelve-year global nightmare of poverty and misery that was a direct cause of World War II in which tens of millions lost their lives.

No thanks, again.

But don’t get me wrong. Though the average guy in the street is no economic engineer trained in financial fine tuning, all us average Joe’s did see this mess coming, didn’t we?

We knew that the soaring home prices were ridiculous, especially amidst stagnant wages. We knew that those easy credit terms for McMansions were chickens just itching to come home to roost. We knew that credit card debt of eight to nine thousand per household was just plain stupid. We knew that spending like drunken oil sheiks would have to come to a screeching halt sooner or later.

Now didn’t we?

Yeah, it’s not rocket science. Even the average guy who’s George Carlin stupid could see it coming.

But, on the other hand, it just might take rocket science to sort it all out.

Unfortunately, that’s not an encouraging thought.

Supposedly, Wall Street, Congress, the Fed, the Treasury and the think tanks are filled with economic rocket scientists. This stuff is right in their wheelhouse. And they have further expert staffs numbering in the thousands ready to do their bidding.
So where were they the last decade or so? Were they incompetent or plain-old criminal?

Or were they just asleep at the switch?

Are they awake now? Someone check.

Hello.

Is anybody there?

Latest Monologues

‘McCain Has a Backup Plan’
David Letterman

Aired Thursday night on CBS: I hate to bring up a sad, sore topic but how about the economy? I mean, does it stink? The economy is so bad that today, Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker.

The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. It just doesn’t seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashanah.

Have you been watching Sarah Palin’s interviews with Katie Couric? Last night, Palin told Couric that she can’t name a Supreme Court ruling that she disagrees with. The best she could come up with was the time Judge Judy ruled against the landlord.

But Sarah Palin did say she objected to several Paula Abdul rulings on “American Idol.”

But Sarah Palin did say there is one decision that she disagrees with. And that was the decision to do the interview with Katie Couric. Read more …

Jon Stewart: Kill Bill

Late Night Monologues

Aired Monday night on NBC: Today, the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called a “crap sandwich.” Congress is already working on a new plan, which they call a “crap sandwich with cheese.”

Now, today, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the 10th and final item on his Administration’s bucket list.

The presidential debate was held Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Yeah. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own, while others say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder.

Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric last week. And they’re saying she was halting, repetitive, and stumped on basic questions. Yeah. In other words, Palin appeared very presidential.

Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Palin said she’d agree to pose for Playboy as long as there’s no interview.