Not All of America's Youth Are Getting Fat

(Sent by Roy Wilson)

Monologue | Wednesday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: George W. Bush, got his new memoir coming out in November, and it’s called “Decision Points.” It’s about big decisions in his life. And I’ve already made a decision not to buy “Decision Points.”

And they said to the former president, “Did you use a ghostwriter?” And he said, “No, the guy’s still alive.” Read more…

Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: Anybody here from Arizona? They have that new tough immigration law, and they say now because they’re getting a lot of reaction, they’re saying it isn’t targeted to Mexicans. The immigration law, they said, is not about keeping Mexicans south of the border. As a matter of fact, they had a crew out today of government agents looking for Dutch people.

One Woman's Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.



________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a..m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting
for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile.. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week !!


________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT !!
It's a whole new life for me.


_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some
other shit too.


_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny little bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.


Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't
have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

__________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want
to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or
a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would
have sprinkled the floor with diamonds !!!
(Sent by Roy Wilson)

COLUMN: This isn't ending well

By Tobin Barnes 
Let’s face facts. Lay our cards on the table…all that stuff.
 
Life is disappointing.
 
Even when you think things are going to be neat, they don’t turn out to be as neat as when you first thought they would be.
 
For example, I just know I’m headed for a big disappointment with the TV show “Lost.” That’s the only possible resolution of finding yourself lost in this galloping enigma of a series. (Of course, that last statement is a major paradox, but it’s just jam-packed with essential truth, if you think about it.)
 
I’ve been on and off with that show throughout the years of its run. It has pulled me in and then pushed me away.
 
That’s because it’s an evil tease. And that’s because anything can happen. Literally.
 
Even dead people can come back to life…many times! Characters are supposedly living parallel lives, for crying out loud. You have no idea if anything is for real. It drives you nuts.
 
Why do I put myself through this agony of being jerked around by this monstrously erratic pot-boiler? My wife smartened up long ago and doesn’t watch it anymore. So why do I persist? Why am I religiously watching the last “Lost” episodes?
 
Heck, they probably aren’t even the last episodes. There’s sure to be a prequel after the end…or maybe a movie…or even a prequel-sequel combo.
 
I just know I’m going to be disappointed.
 
Here I am, poor naïf, waiting for all the pieces to come together, and I know I’m going to be left with a big cornball explanation instead. The show implies that there’s some Einsteinian undercurrent to all the weird island madness, but you got to know that it’s all going to turn out to be a flimflam of Daffy Duck proportions.
 
I know I’m going to be disappointed. Just you wait and see.
 
And while we’re at it, here’s another thing that disappoints me. (Yeah, I’ve got a list.)
 
It really irritates me that the music of my youth has become elevator music. The 60’s and early 70’s stuff: I hear it in the background all over the place now. It’s become mood music.
 
It’s the vanilla ice cream of tunes. In my last days in the nursing home I’m going to hear “Born to Be Wild” piped into the sitting room speakers. I knew that this was going to happen when they started using Led Zeppelin songs to sell Cadillacs some years ago.
 
When it first came out, my music was the rocky road of ice creams with big chunks of stuff throughout it that made adults think the world was going to hell in a hand basket.
 
It was totally different from the adult music of Frank Sinatra, Andy Williams, and Tennessee Ernie Ford—one of the many reasons we loved it. It was hell’s-a-poppin’ music that freaked Ed Sullivan and encouraged mothers to hide their children.
 
It inspired young people to abandon socks. (What a rebellious step that was. It drove principals crazy. Admittedly, that movement never made much sense, but there you go. Exactly what I’m talking about.)
 
Buzzcuts and Brylcreem disappeared almost overnight. It brought about the sign, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” It defined our cultural enemies to be “rednecks.” And it helped stop a war.
 
Now it’s the preferred rotation on Muzak.
 
This transition of my music has declared me officially old, thank you very much. I might as well be awarded a certificate.
 
What a disappointment.
   

KFC’s new Double Down sandwich features two fried chicken patties instead of bread. They aren’t a bun; they’re death panels. – Janice Hough, Palo Alto, Calif.

Hank Williams just won a Pulitzer. Wow. Dead 57 years and still copping awards. Maybe Shakespeare should get a Tony. King of the Revivals. – Will Durst, San Francisco

Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to Haiti. Because if they need anything down there, it’s surprises. – Brian Lisi, New York

A Wyoming trucker set a Guinness record for most body piercings in a single sitting with 1,200 piercings in four hours. He broke the old record held by General Custer. – Bill Littlejohn, South Lake Tahoe, Calif.

COLUMN: Don't Tell Me What Happens

By Tobin Barnes
Now here’s an advantage: I can watch a movie I’ve seen before and enjoy it just as much as the first time. That’s because I have no idea of what’s
going to happen even though I’ve seen what happens before.

The second time, for me, is often like the first.

Oh sure, I usually remember some characters and settings and stuff, but it’s the plot I don’t remember.

I had kind of realized that about myself before, but it’s only been lately that have I looked upon this idiosyncrasy as a benefit. As in, “I have a boundless range of entertainment before me.”

It’s like I’ll never run out of movies to watch, even if they stop making them.

Over Easter weekend I watched a couple movies I’ve seen before and had no idea what was going to happen in either.

That’s right. No self-inflicted spoilers.

New or old, it’s new to me.

Of course, this also causes some concern.

My enthusiasm over lack of plot memory may perhaps be akin to an overly optimistic Alzheimer’s patient being upbeat about his condition, “Hey, I meet a new friend every day.”

But Alzheimer’s disease is no laughing matter, and maybe neither should be my jauntiness over my inability to remember plots.

This could be serious business. I could, at my age, be “slipping into darkness.”

But I don’t think so. I remember most necessary details of my life well enough, thank you.

It’s just—for good or ill—those pesky plots I have trouble with. And worse, I’m an English teacher, for crying out loud. Shouldn’t I be a veritable compendium of even the most obscure plots?

Well, actually, no.

I tell my students that story plots are a dime a dozen. Most of the great writers borrowed at least some of their plots, Shakespeare included. It isn’t the plots that make their works memorable as much as characterization, dialogue, description, and imagery.

Characters, for example, live on long after plots have become fuzzy.

Besides, it’s a matter of English teachers’ canon law that there are only four basic conflicts or plots: man vs. man, man vs. nature, man vs. society, and man vs. himself. So every plot can theoretically be crammed into one of those packages.

That is, until I ran into three more: man vs. technology (e.g., Grandma trying to use a computer), man vs. the supernatural (What the heck is that black smoke thing on “Lost”?), and man vs. god/religion (Lord, please help my team beat the spread).

Maybe the four basic plots can be boiled down further into these:

1) Boy meets girl and boy loses girl;

2) Boy meets girl and boy wins girl;

3) Boy meets enemy/girl and boy is defeated by enemy/girl;

and, finally,

4) Boy meets enemy/girl and boy defeats enemy/girl, saving male obliviousness for the foreseeable future.

That last one, I think, is the overall plot of the six Star Wars movies.

And that reminds me. I ought to watch those movies again. All I remember is something about finding Luke Skywalker’s dad?

Devastating Satire from Tina Fey

Monologue | Thursday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone’s happy about it. Fox News said it was a “summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.”

How to Flunk a Breathalyzer Test

(Sent by Roy Wilson)

Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: You know what happened in Las Vegas today? Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was speaking at the alcohol convention in Las Vegas, Nev. Because, I mean, let’s face it, nothing says family values like gambling and liquor.

Monologue | Monday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: You know, 30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House today. Or as Fox News calls it, a “socialist free food giveaway.” Read more…

O.K., who thought this would happen simultaneously in our lifetimes? The President of the United States is black … and most of the players on the men’s teams playing for the college basketball championship are white. — Janice Hough, Palo Alto, Calif.

The Ethicist

My salaried job requires much travel. When a trip extends into the evening, I turn off my laptop and read or have a drink. But during business hours I typically work, although I’ve seen many travelers in business apparel watching videos at 10 a.m. Am I overly conscientious, or are they taking advantage? Am I doing my job simply by being in motion? RACHEL BRAGIN, CAMBRIDGE, MASS.

It depends on your job. If it involves smelting, you ought not attempt it in a taxi. It also depends on your mode of transportation. If you are driving yourself to a satellite office, do not use your laptop. (Especially if you are driving a motorcycle.) That is, where circumstances make it onerous or perilous to work in transit, don’t do it.

Air travel, for example, is generally so vile (at least outside first class) that the trip itself is work, as you suggest. You should be given bonus pay. Or a powerful sedative. But where conditions are conducive to work, do some — at one of those nice tables in the quiet car on Amtrak’s Acela or in your stateroom during a leisurely Atlantic crossing by ocean liner in 1927.

There are other considerations. Sometimes it is important that a business traveler arrive rested and alert, ready to meet with clients or colleagues. That can be a factor in deciding if the most effective way to do your job is simply to turn off the computer and relax. This is necessarily a judgment call. In making it, you may want to consult your supervisor.

Monologue | Wednesday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: You know who’s coming back to town? King Tut. His mummified remains will be on display here in New York City. And I was thinking, yeah, big deal. I mean, if you want mummified remains, watch Larry King. Read more…