Massive Goldman Bonuses 'Totally Deserved,' Says Satan
Andy Borowitz
Self-care standards are slipping. I've decided that "matching" socks just means that they are both socks.
Morgan Murphy
I have the power to cure cancer and end wars and hunger. But I'd rather help find lost keys and win sports games.
almightygod
BREAKING: Obama Agrees to Give Republicans His Lunch Money
Andy Borowitz
Accidentally remembered Robin Williams and now I'm exhausted.
Tim Siedell
Unlike most clowns, John Boehner cries on the outside and laughs on the inside.
Andy Borowitz
When John Boehner weeps about being the new Speaker, I, too, am moved to tears.
Andy Borowitz
When asked about criticism that he compromises too much, Obama said, "I agree with about half of that."
Andy Borowitz
Miley Cyrus is only 18, but that's 47 in Lohan years.
Andy Borowitz
As a child, I refused to believe that doing the hokey-pokey was what it's all about.
Andy Borowitz
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