They're everywhere!

"Michigan quintuplets work first jobs together at McDonald's"

Stoner with munchies freaks thinking it's an alien invasion

The scoop

"‘Dizzy’ the monkey still on the loose in Springfield zoo"

'Ditzy' the animal keeper is on shovel detail, yet again

 

Cobbed

"Man charged with shooting corncobs at neighbor's house"

'It's not so funny when it happens to you,' cob victim warns

Who could decide?

"Oregon fair generates buzz with 1st legal pot display in US"

Judges admit being too mellow to finish awarding blue ribbons

 

A lemon

"Man gives phony $50 bill to girl's charity lemonade stand"

Culprit referred to as 'nice guy until you get to know him'

On a mission

"Sexploits of Diego the Tortoise save Galapagos species"

'You wouldn't think it,' zookeeper says, 'but Diego gets around pretty fast'

You can be one, too

"Guggenheim Museum Invites Viewers to Use 18-Karat Gold Toilet"

Chance to sit yours down just like the biggest one sits his down

One Mississippi

"Study: Five-second rule is too generous for fallen food"

Even if food could bounce back onto plate, it would be too long

Another Benghazi

"Diagnosed with pneumonia, Clinton falls ill at 9/11 memorial"

'Scandalous!" say top Republicans. 'Congress needs to investigate'

He went to pot

"Oregon man finds portable toilet filled with pot"

Goes in for a whiz, comes out with a buzz

Lone Stranger

"Police: Masked man was sleeping in vehicle he'd broken into"

Inevitably, neighbors asked each other, 'Who was that masked man?'

H2O + hops

"University of Southern Maine to Use Beer to Help Students Learn Chemistry"

Some doubt the educational value but all admit the classes will be well attended

A good kid with a gun

Slam bang

"Dick Van Dyke sings 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' at Denny's"

'Seemed kinda high,' manager says, 'so we doubled up his Grand Slam'

Party crasher

"Police: Nude stranger falls through patio roof onto barbecue"

Told cops he never gets invited to anything, and now we know why