By Tobin Barnes
People send questions to the Internet portal, Yahoo! (The exclamation mark is part of their trademark, not necessarily my sentence.) The portal people then tell the curious and everyone else how to find the answers using the Internet.
I, on the other hand, don't need to be told. I know the answers to Yahoolish questions like the following:
“Should I send a wedding invitation to people I know can’t come?”
Yes, and in some cases, thank them.
“Do wild animals ever get overweight or obese?”
No. Pack-it-on concoctions such as chili cheese fries and deep-fried Twinkies do not exist in the wild.
“How did hot dogs get their name?”
Guys who think they’re hot but have much in common with your dog.
“What’s the longest movie ever made?”
“Peewee’s Big Adventure.”
“Are some animals gay?”
Sure. They just express their happiness differently.
“If everyone on Earth jumped at the same time, would it affect our
orbit?”
I can think of better things we could do with that kind of unity.
“Are dogs’ mouths really cleaner than humans’?”
‘Woof, woof’ is better than some words I’ve heard.
“How long does an average dream last?”
Usually, until cold hard reality sets in, but there are exceptions.
“Is Sputnik still orbiting the Earth?”
Yeah, but the dog stopped barking a long time ago.
“What was the first thing ever sold on eBay?”
A painting on black velvet of dogs playing poker. It’s also the “most resold.”
“What is the average number of miles a person walks in their life?”
Not sure, but two-thirds of the miles in America is couch to refrigerator.
“Is ‘Rocky’ based on a true story?”
Let’s hope not. Reality seldom gets that cornball.
“What’s the deal with kids wearing their pants below their butts?”
Teen rebellion. Everything else has already been tried.
“Why am I right-handed, but my brother is left-handed?”
It started with your mom and the mailman.
“What is ‘Pilates’?”
Washing your hands of all responsibility.
“How can I keep my cats out of the Christmas tree?”
Give the kids some of those nerf-ball guns. A win-win situation.
“What are the rules for calling shotgun?”
Just one. People who call out “Shotgun!” are immediately classified as dorks.
“How do dogs sweat?”
Put them in a fire hydrant factory.
“How did ‘knock-knock’ jokes get started?”
The real question is how do we stop them.
“Where did the whole ‘give an apple to the teacher’ thing come from?”
Sounds good, feels good and works better than “give the teacher a raise.”
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