By Tobin Barnes
The Roman writer Martialis said, “Gifts are like hooks.”
I don’t want to sound any more like Scrooge than you already think I do, but I can see where Martialis is coming from, both from the hookee and the hooker’s perspectives.
Gift-giving is a social minefield. I’ve been known to step lightly, having experienced the explosive nature of the random detonation.
Nevertheless, I’m suited up and in the game.
So I was perusing my copy of Newsweek magazine and came across a section called “95+ Gifts—Untangling the Holidays.”
And who could resist? Certainly not me.
Heck, everybody likes to see what’s new and trendy in gifts, not that you’re trendy enough to give them or privileged enough to get them. Most of us are all-too-well acquainted with reality.
But it’s nice to know what other people are getting. It’s kind of like having your nose pressed up against the department store display window when you were a kid. “Huh, you mean somebody actually gets those things?”
As I paged through the section, I saw all kinds of baubles, gimcracks, and gewgaws. Mostly stuff people who have everything don’t have and would be mildly surprised to get.
Like chocolate penguins. Lot of penguin movies nowadays. Must have inspired a marketer to think people’d want to eat some.
They’re filled with lemon ganache—whatever that is—evidently for those who think penguins are somewhat citrusy inside. Three dollars and twenty-five cents for one, $38 for a set of nine. I’m not the brightest bulb on the tree, but I think I’d order them individually.
Then I see this plaid trapper’s hat, for crying out loud. Costs $80. Looks nice enough if that’s what you’re looking for. But who’s looking for it?
Description says, “A great winter hat for your hipster sister—the rascally rabbit trim is cool, unlike Elmer Fudd.” Nice creative ad copy. But then if you’ve got a sister, hipster or not, who’s trying not to look like Elmer Fudd, she’s got more problems than this gift’s going to cure.
Saw some $30 cookies (“They really do taste homemade”) and a $99 cheesecake. Wow! Someone’s making money.
But I can’t really say I was surprised by anything, however glitzy or impractical, until I got to the last page of the showcase where they featured men’s clothing gifts.
The page before gave suggestions for women’s clothing. The prices there were outrageous, of course, but we’ve all come to expect that, right? Doesn’t have to be haute couture to find big price tags on women’s duds.
But whodda thunk anyone would pay $620 for a pair of men’s shoes. My feet get sweaty just thinking of wearing $620 shoes. It’d be like an overdose.
Besides, there’s parts of the plains states where you’d get shot trying to sell shoes for that price.
Yet there they were. Jil Sander black leather oxfords (and I didn’t spell the “Jil” wrong in case you’re in the market). They were what the pathetically infamous O.J. Simpson would describe as “ugly-a-- shoes.”
The ultimate question, however, is this. Who, in their right mind, would buy any kind of shoes for another as a Christmas present, short of a pair from a Walmart bargain bin? Not only that, but what a leap of faith $620 gift shoes would be.
“Oh...oh, you shouldn’t have!”
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