COLUMN: Embrace Your Inner Dullness

Image by AGlassDarkly via Flickr

Tobin Barnes
We as humans are always waiting for something. When it finally comes, our reaction is usually, “Huh…no big deal after all,” so then we start waiting for something else. It’s an anticipatory rut that continues throughout life, but (alas), we never smarten up.

Take me, for instance. Right now, I’m waiting for my dog to get a cone off its head. She was neutered about a week ago, and the vet put this plastic cone around her head so she wouldn’t mess with her incision. And it works great, as far as that’s concerned. But it’s a real pain, for us and the dog.

You’d think as smart as dogs can sometimes be that they’d adjust to this little inconvenience—as in, “Let’s see, this cone extends a little ways on either side of my head. I just have to make sure I’ve got some clearance from walls and doors and furniture when I go anywhere. Whole thing’s really pretty simple, now that I think about it. Maybe someday they’ll finally take this danged thing off me.”

Nope, nothing like that evidently happens in a dog’s mind. No spatial compensation is ever made for that plastic cone. The walls continue to get scraped up, the furniture takes a heck of a beating, and the door jambs are repeatedly assaulted with direct cone hits. And this will continue until that danged thing comes off.

I know. This continued to happen the numerous times our other dog had to wear a cone just like it’s happening now. So, again, I’m waiting for the blessed day when the cone comes off, even though I suspect it’ll seem like a relatively small blessing that will quickly be forgotten in anticipation of another blessed event.

Like the end of winter. Boy, can’t wait for that one, either.

The local weather guy says we’re on track to have the seventh coldest winter in recorded history in this region—yeah, seventh coldest, for crying out loud.

But what a booby prize that is. You’re not getting first, you’re not even getting second, but you’re still suffering through the seventh coldest, which is probably mere hundredths of a degree different from the coldest.

Yeah, so after that realization, what do you have left but to go back to thinking about getting that dog cone out of your life? And then what? Well, looking forward to getting done with a long, cold winter that makes you think that having a coneless dog would be a transformative experience.

I agree. This is starting to sound like a disturbed mind at work.

Happily, it’s times like these that I realize it’s all okay. Hey, I’m immune to serious meltdown. Why? Because I’m a dull guy and all this is pretty much par for the course. This kind of thinking is right smack dab in the living room of where I’m meant to be.

If I need any more convincing, I just make a quick trip on the Internet to Dullmen.com, and I’m in my comfort zone again. There, I’m reassured that these thoughts are normal. That is, for me.

I’ve talked about Dullmen.com before. I’ve always thought of that discussion as a service, really. I’ve thought a reminder of what dulldom is all about would help settle you the way it settles me.

Well, I think it’s time to go back for another therapy session or two.

First thing we notice at Dullmen.com are some comforting slogans to let you know that your kind of guy—yeah, you—is welcome here. Slogans like, “It’s OK to be dull” and “We’re giving a good name to a four-letter word.”

And if you need any more reassurance, read on: “We don’t try to keep up with the Joneses (who are the Joneses, anyway?),” “Seeking glitz and glam? Why bother?” and “Think inside the box — it’s safer there.”

Feeling better already?

I knew you would. Only trouble is our time is up for this therapy session. Happens all the time, doesn’t it? Start making headway and the session ends.

Well, I’ll meet you back here next time during our regular appointment, and we’ll delve further into your inner dull man. Until then, remember, you were “Born to be mild.”