Good Jokes at the Annual Al Smith Dinner in NYC

President Barack Obama

• Thank you, thank you so much, thank you. Everyone please take your seats — otherwise, Clint Eastwood will yell at them.
• In less than three weeks, voters in states like Ohio, Virginia, and Florida will decide this incredibly important election, which begs the question: What are we doing here?
• Of course, New Yorkers also have a big choice to make. You have to decide which one of us you want holding up traffic for the next four years.
• Tonight I am here with a man whose father was a popular governor, who knows what it's like to run a major northeastern state, and who could very well be president some day — and I'm hoping it is Andrew Cuomo.
• This is the third time that Governor Romney and I have met recently. As some of you may have noticed, I had a lot more energy in our second debate. I felt really well rested after the nice long nap I had in the first debate.
• It turns out that millions of Americans focused in on the second debate who didn't focus in on the first debate — and I happen to be one of them.
• I particularly want to apologize to Chris Matthews. Four years ago, I gave him a thrill up his leg; this time around, I gave him a stroke.
• Of course, there are a lot of things I learned from that experience. For example, I learned that there are worse things that can happen to you on your anniversary than forgetting to buy a gift.
• Now, win or lose, this is my last political campaign so I'm trying to drink it all in. Unfortunately, Mayor Bloomberg will only let me have 16 ounces.
• I'm still making the most of my time in the city. Earlier today I went shopping at some stores in Midtown. I understand Governor Romney went shopping for some stores in Midtown.
• I went to school here in New York and had a wonderful experience here. I used to love walking through Central Park, loved to go to old Yankee Stadium — "The house that Ruth built" — although he really did not build that. I hope everybody's aware of that.
• Sometimes it feels like this race has dragged on forever, but Paul Ryan assured me that we've only been running for two hours and 50-something minutes.
• Of course, the economy's on everybody's minds. The unemployment rate is at its lowest level since I took office. I don't have a joke here, I just thought it'd be useful to remind everybody.
• Ultimately, though, tonight's not about the disagreements Governor Romney and I may have. It's what we have in common, beginning with our unusual names. Actually Mitt is his middle name; I wish I could use my middle name.
• Next Monday's debate is a little different because the topic is foreign policy. Spoiler alert: We got bin Laden.
• Of course, world affairs are a challenge for every candidate. After my foreign trip in 2008, I was attacked as a celebrity because I was so popular with our allies overseas. And I have to say I'm impressed with how well Governor Romney has avoided that problem.
• And finally, let me say that I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided that for our final debate I'm going to go back to the strategy that I used to prepare for the first debate. I'm just kidding. I'm trying to make Axelrod sweat a little bit, get him a little nervous.
  
  Mitt Romney 
• I'm glad to be able to join in this memorable tradition. And of course I'm pleased that the president is here. We were chatting pleasantly this evening as if Tuesday night never happened.
• I was actually hoping the president would bring Joe Biden along this evening, because he'll laugh at anything.
• I'm sure the cardinal has no hard feelings, and we might get an indication of that during dinner to see if the president's wine turns into water. Or for that matter, whether my water turns into wine.
• I'm pleased to once again have the chance to see Governor Cuomo, who's already being talked about for higher office. A very impressive fellow, but he may be getting a little ahead of himself. I mean, let me get this straight. The man has put in one term as a governor. He has a father who happened to be a governor, and he thinks that's enough to run for president.
• We're down to the final months of the president's term. As President Obama surveys the Waldorf banquet room with everyone in white tie and finery, you have to wonder what he's thinking. So little time, so much to redistribute.
• Don't be surprised if the president mentions the monthly jobs report where there was a slight improvement in the numbers. He knows how to seize the moment, this president. He already has a compelling new campaign slogan: "You're better off now than you were four weeks ago."
• You know, with or without all the dignitaries that are here, the Al Smith dinner surely lives up to its billing. Usually when I get invited to gatherings like this, it's just to be the designated driver.
• Your kind hospitality here tonight gives me a chance to convey my deep and long-held respect for the Catholic Church. I have special admiration for the Apostle St. Peter, to whom it [was], "Upon this rock, I will build my church." The story is all the more inspiring when you consider that he had so many skeptics and scoffers at the time who were heard to say, "If you've got a church, you didn't build that."
• People seem to be very curious just as to how we prepare for the debates. Let me tell you what I do. First, refrain from alcohol for 65 years before the debate.
• Second, find the biggest available strawman and then just mercilessly attack it. Big Bird didn't even see it coming.
• And by the way, in the spirit of Sesame Street, the president's remarks tonight are brought to you by the letter "O" and the number "16 trillion."
• Campaigns can be grueling, exhausting. President Obama and I are each very lucky to have one person who is always in our corner, someone who we can lean on, and someone who is a comforting presence, and without whom, we wouldn't be able to go another day. I have my beautiful wife Ann; he has Bill Clinton.
• I never suggest that the press is biased. I recognize that they have their job to do, and I have my job to do. My job is to lay out a positive vision for the future of the country, and their job is to make sure no one else finds out about it.
• Let's just say that some in the media have a certain way of looking at things. When suddenly I pulled ahead in some of the major polls, what was the headline? "Polls Show Obama Leading from Behind."
• And I've already seen early reports from tonight's dinner. Headline: "Obama Embraced by Catholics.” Headline: “Romney Dines with Rich People."
• The president has put his own stamp on relations with the church. There have been some awkward moments. Like when the president pulled Pope Benedict aside to share some advice on how to deal with his critics. He said, "Look, Holy Father, whatever the problem is, just blame it on Pope John Paul II."
• The president has found a way to take the sting out of the Obamacare mandates for the church. From now on, they're going to be in Latin.