Good New Yorker Cartoons: Flu Scare

Good 'Late Night' Jokes: A Checkup

English: Jodie Foster at the César awards ceremony Français : Jodie Foster à la cérémonie des César du cinéma (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David Letterman

• Thirteen years ago today doctors had me split open like a lobster and they performed the highly dangerous bypass surgery. Today I said, "Doctor, I'm calling to thank you very much. Thirteen years ago today you saved my life." And he says "Well, Dave, it seemed like a good idea at the time."
• I had five bypasses. Or, as former Vice President Dick Cheney refers to it, "a checkup."

Jimmy Fallon

• Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport.

Conan

• The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster's emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, "I'm going to need a raise."
• President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States.

Good 'Late Night' Jokes: Justin Bieber

David Letterman

• Lindsay Lohan was in court again today. She's been sworn in so many times she has Bible elbow.
• Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?

Conan

• Tickets to President Obama's inauguration have sold out. At least that's what the president is telling Joe Biden.
• After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. So finally Americans can get back to not watching hockey.



Justin Bieber at the 2010 White House Easter Egg roll. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Last week photos surfaced of Justin Bieber smoking marijuana. Fans of Justin Bieber were really upset and fans of marijuana were really embarrassed.

Jay Leno

• Scientists in China say obesity may be caused by bacteria in your stomach. Three of the most common carriers of the bacteria are pizza, cheeseburgers, and doughnuts.
• Police in Brazil have apprehended a cat that has been traveling in and out of a men's prison with various escape tools, like saw blades and drill bits, taped to its body. The judge was pretty harsh. Today, the cat received nine life sentences.
• Lance Armstrong now says he may admit that he used performance enhancing drugs. I guess he realized he’s the only person in the world who still wasn’t sure about it

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoon: It's Constitutional

Borowitz Report: Frosh Republicans

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Just hours after being sworn in at the U.S. Capitol, the freshman class of House Republicans said that they were disappointed that they failed to shut down the government on their first day in office.

“We were all like, ‘O.K., we’re sworn in, let’s shut this thing down,’” said freshman Rep. Byron Ernie (R-Kentucky). “We were all pretty bummed that the government just kept running.”

Rep. Ernie acknowledged that it might have been “overly optimistic” of the freshman Republicans to expect to engineer a government shutdown on their very first day, “but bringing the government to a random standstill was the whole reason we became Republicans,” he said.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) chuckled good-naturedly at the ambitions of the high-spirited G.O.P. freshmen, telling reporters, “I remember what it was like to be young and full of big ideas about crippling our historic institutions for no discernible reason whatsoever. There’s nothing like your first time.”

Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/01/gop-freshmen-saddened-by-failure-to-shut-down-government-on-first-day.html#ixzz2HJyGRiYI

Good Oliphant Cartoon: Boehner

Good Oliphant Cartoon: Guns in School

Good New Yorker Cartoon: Lassie

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoons: Guns

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

English: Barbara Walters at the Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark opening at Foxwoods Theatre, New York City in June 2011 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David Letterman

• Barbara Walters puts together her 10 most fascinating people of the year list, and it goes way back. I think on the first show she did, numbers one and two were the Wright brothers.
• I'm happy and gratified to be on the Barbara Walters list this year. I'm between the monkey that was running around in a Toronto store and Clint Eastwood's empty chair.

Conan

• According to a global study, American kids are way behind Asian kids in math and science. But American kids are ahead in buying stuff made by Asian kids.

Jay Leno

• More problems for Lindsay Lohan. Apparently she can’t pay her $8,000-a-month rent on her Beverly Hills mansion. Lindsay doesn't want to move because it's the perfect location. It's between two liquor stores, a bail bondsman, and an auto body shop.
• Honey Boo Boo is among Barbara Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People of 2012." In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2012."