Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Nicholas D. Kristof on North Korea
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| Image via Wikipedia |
"The most surprising thing I found was The Loudspeaker affixed to a wall in each home. The Loudspeaker is like a radio but without a dial or off switch. In the morning, it awakens the household with propaganda. (In his first golf outing, Comrade Kim Jong-il shoots five holes-in-one!) It blares like that all day.
"The Loudspeaker underscores that North Korea is not just another dictatorship but, perhaps, the most totalitarian country ever. Stalin and Mao were murderous but low-tech; the Kim family added complex systems of repression.
"Anyone disabled is considered an eyesore, for example. So people with disabilities are often expelled from the capital, Pyongyang.
"Government propaganda is shameless. During a famine, North Korean news media warned starving citizens against overeating by recounting the cautionary tale of a man who ate his fill, and then exploded.
"Once in North Korea, I stopped in a rural area to interview two high school girls at random. They were friendly, if startled. So was I when they started speaking simultaneously and repeating political lines in perfect unison. They could have been robots.
"When videos (of movies, music or religion) began to be smuggled in from China, police began to turn off the power to entire buildings. Then the police would go door to door and examine what video was stuck inside players. A smuggled tape could mean the dispatch of an entire family to a labor camp."
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Maureen Dowd on Newt Gingrich
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"On his Web site Tuesday, he urgently vowed to establish a White House commission “On Day One” of his presidency (heaven forefend) “to examine and document threats or impediments to religious freedom in the United States.” Watching his numbers falling in Iowa, he doubled down on his unconstitutional assault on “activist judges,” saying he would investigate “the extent to which courts throughout the U.S. are undermining the First Amendment and misconstruing the historical basis for religious freedom in America.”
"His latest manifesto, which should have been addressed “Dear Iowa Fundamentalist Caucus-goers,” states: “As litigants demand that courts and judges intervene to create new ‘rights’ out of whole cloth, such litigants and their supporters seek to limit the freedom of others to express their deeply held religious commitments to, for example, the value of every human life and to marriage as between one man and one woman."
....
"For anyone who grew up with relatives who could never get annulments even when their spouses abandoned them after a brief time, it was galling to see Gingrich — who divorced twice to marry younger mistresses, and who left his wives when they were sick — be celebrated at a conversion Mass by Washington’s church hierarchy at St. Joseph’s on Capitol Hill, where Robert Kennedy attended Mass daily when he served in the Senate."
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Good 'Late Night' Jokes
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- The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?
- North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il.
- When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, "I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap."
- During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February.
- A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.
- As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.--Jay Leno
- Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you.”--David Letterman
- Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill.--Jimmy Fallon
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Good 'Late Night' Jokes
- Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party.
- Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month.
- According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That's up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones.--Jay Leno
- Pippa Middleton made the list of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People. Who could be more fascinating than someone who's the sister of someone who married someone who's famous for just being born?
- Some people are objecting to Donald Trump being included in the list. Not me. I'm glad someone is finally giving Trump a forum so he can express himself and get some attention.
- Barbara has been doing these specials for a long time. The first time she hosted, the No. 1 most fascinating person was Socrates.--Craig Ferguson
- On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, “I am also not a fan of gay milk.”
- Customers are complaining that Amazon’s new Kindle Fire is too hard to use if you have fat fingers. In response, Amazon released another version called the Kindle Deep Dish.--Conan
- Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich “zany.” If they are taking a good look at Newt, honestly, one word comes to mind and it's “zany?”
- Here's why American voters are turning to Ron Paul. A team of doctors has determined that Ron Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal.--David Letterman
- Barbara Walters named her 10 most fascinating people of the year last night here on ABC. The list included the Kardashian family, Donald Trump, Simon Cowell and Katy Perry. Is that a list of the most fascinating people or a list of the reasons the terrorists hate us?
- In Sioux City, Iowa, there was another debate between the seven Republicans running for president. All your favorites were there: Grumpy, Dopey, the other Dopey, Romney, Bashful, another Dopey, and Happy.
- This was the 427th of 2,000 debates to be held between now and when President Obama is re-elected.
- There are so many debates. For a group of people who don't want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot.--Jimmy Kimmel
Gail Collins on Mitt Romney
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"Romney was in town to raise money. Iowa and New Hampshire get the love; we get the traffic jams. ’Twas ever thus. We’re not bitter, really.
"However, he did sit down with The Times’s Jeff Zeleny and Ashley Parker to compare himself to Newt Gingrich. (The above-the-fray Mitt is so November.) “Zany is not what we need in a president,” he said.
"I would say this is an extremely safe position for Romney to take because the odds are very good that no one has ever called Mitt zany in his entire life. Unless it was when he drove to Canada with the family dog strapped to the roof of the station wagon. (“Hey, Mister, you got an Irish setter on top of your car. What are you, zany or something?”)"
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Maureen Dowd on Newt Gingrich
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| Image via Wikipedia |
"He would marry his high school geometry teacher. And he would save Western civilization.
"Gingrich has moved on to younger wives. But he’s still obsessed with numbers and rescuing the planet.
"In 1994, he described himself to me as “a conservative futurist,” which seems like an oxymoron. The man George Will once called a “cherub with a chip on his shoulder” finds the future simultaneously apocalyptic and massively fun.
"You can picture President Gingrich on his first day in the Oval Office, emanating an impish doomsday aura of “Let’s see what happens if we press this button!”
"In his own feverish, gee-whiz imagination, Newt is both the arsonist and the fireman."
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Good 'Late Night' Jokes
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| Image via Wikipedia |
- Rick Perry said there were eight Supreme Court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on "Dancing With the Stars."
- In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know.
- Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney.--Jay Leno
- According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. Yeah, these people are known as men.
- Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that. --Conan
- Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen. She's missing cash, passports, and three stolen necklaces.
- Lindsay Lohan has been in rehab so many times the cafeteria named a sandwich after her.
- A woman was making meth in a Wal-Mart. But you know, it's nice to know that something in Wal-Mart is made in America.
- Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails. --David Letterman
- Donald Trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up.
- This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages? --Jimmy Kimmel
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