COLUMN: See Double-Nosed Calf at the Fair

By Tobin Barnes
These are strange times. The media barrage is making me a little punchy. I was reading these real news headlines from AP and Reuters the other night, happened to nod off and had the following sub-headlines nightmare:

“Report: NASA let astronauts fly drunk”
Take more than that for most of us

“Dead herring odor upsets Maine residents”
‘That kid needs a new pair of shoes real bad,’ says neighbor

“Nude blonde, gold stilettos and a Ferrari…”
Local authorities brace for trouble

“Rats and cats work to sniff out mines”
‘Problem is,’ handler says, ‘you get one trained and he’s gone’

“Tourists fined for cycling nude in heatwave”
‘This weather’s punished our citizens enough,” sheriff says

“Double-nosed calf appears at Wis. Fair”
‘It’s why I keep coming back,’ says a satisfied fairgoer

“Teen drives truck into river, gets stuck”
Real news would be ‘Drives into river, drives back out’

“‘Compliment machine' praises pedestrians”
Talks like George Clooney to certain females

“Voracious jumbo squid invade California”
Red Lobster managers running for their lives

“18,000 fake Viagra pills seized”
18,000 awkward moments avoided

“Hey big spender, $210,000 drinks bill”
But for one night in his life he was popular

“Oscar the cat predicts patients' deaths”
No bedside treats and you’re toast

“Hey, does this water taste funny to you?”
New bottled brand, Clown Town, appeals to circus fans

“Virgin secret to good festival weather”
But the sacrifice part somewhat controversial

“Coin dealer carries $1.9M dime in pocket”
Running into insistent panhandler could have spelled disaster

“Pistol packing pastor nabs theft suspect”
‘Some sinners need more persuasion than others,’ minister says

“Prankster dentist wins in court”
Extra laughing gas judged ‘good, clean fun’

“Wis. boy's lemonade stand robbed”
‘This criminal epitomizes desperate,’ local chief says

“Thief battered in fish shop”
Looking for bread, breaded instead

“Fundraiser to feature machine guns”
Donations suggested early and often

“Ga. deputy shoots Gator the pet pig”
Rednecks likely to run him out of town

“Computer program can learn baby talk”
First grade seen to be a few years off

“Wayward bull pummels veterinarian”
Evidently remembered last visit

“Police: Duo tried to flee on horseback”
‘Whoopee-ti-yi-yo’ heard amongst the hoofbeats

“ATM gives out too much money”
Complainant considered for bank beatification