COLUMN: It May Not Be the Tip You're Looking For

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By Tobin Barnes
“Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.”

That’s advice from “100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part 1)” by Bruce Buschel that recently appeared in The New York Times.

I started talking about it last time but didn’t get very far because I was so busy with the disclaimers. I didn’t want anyone to think I was being snooty just because I found these suggestions interesting. After all, we’ve all become service consumers nowadays.

Besides, what profession, occupation, or job couldn’t use a list of “100 Things You Should Never Do”? Man, I could think of quite a few, starting at the highest paid. How about you?

As far as wait staff are concerned, the writer, Buschell, says, “Veteran waiters, moonlighting actresses, libertarians and baristas will no doubt protest some or most of what follows. They will claim it homogenizes them or stifles their true nature. And yet, if 100 different actors play Hamlet, hitting all the same marks, reciting all the same lines, cannot each one bring something unique to that role?”

Well, that’s pretty good, so let’s go:

“Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, ‘Are you waiting for someone?’ Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.”

It’s a lonely world out there. Don’t make it worse. I always hated to eat alone in the dorm dining room. But it was better than being hungry.

“Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated.”

Or maybe fix it once and for all.

“Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral.”

Tap only kind of means I’m cheap.

“Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.”

Please! Even when I’m a “singleton,” that doesn’t mean I’m looking for a friend.

“Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy.
This is not an audition.”

And don’t make the list too long. I probably stopped listening a while ago.

“Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass.”

Not when flu is the talk of the town.

“When you ask, ‘How’s everything?’ or ‘How was the meal?’ listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.”

As for me, I’ve got to learn not to say “Fine” when it isn’t.

“Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, ‘Who’s having the shrimp?’”

It’s really bad when the customer has to say, “Maybe he is. Over at that table.”

“If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.”

Don’t worry. You can forget that one here in South Dakota.

“Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork.”

But I guess I’m going to have to put up with it when you’re twisting the cap off my beer.

“Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.”

Boy, I’d never thought of that one. This might be getting a little over the top.

“Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice.”

I guess that means you can’t sit next to me either.

“Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad.”

Especially after I ordered before the other person and you didn’t say anything to me.

“Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.”

I’ve been hustled out of better places than this.

“Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.”

Ya think?

Finally, “Do not call a guy a ‘dude.’ Do not call a woman ‘lady.’”

And please…let “Yo” die out from common use.

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