Monologue | Tuesday night on CBS: Pamela Anderson on “Dancing with the Stars.” You know who else is on “Dancing with the Stars?” Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Pam Anderson and Buzz Aldrin. Honest to God, it looks like a Republican ticket.

Monologue | Tuesday night on NBC: Happy Passover, everybody. Speaking of that, as you may have heard, Vice President Joe Biden did it again. He showed up at the White House Seder last night with a bunch of ham sandwiches.

Well, according to Newsweek, the F.B.I. now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for Al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new health care bill.

First Lady Michelle Obama attended the Kids’ Choice Awards over the weekend. See, I don’t think the president had ever seen that show. Like, when she got home, the president asked Michelle how it went. She said there was a lot of slime. And President Obama said, “Fox News was there?”

Best Caption:

“What is that thing, Daddy?” “It's something we used to see all the time before technology, pollution, and 'progress' went haywire. We called it a 'bird.' ”

— ­ Posted by Neil Berliner, Palm Beach, Fla.

Runners-up:

A simple misunderstanding between marketing and R&D leads to an elaborate but fairly useless method for recording tweets.

— Posted by Jesse.

I love this record … it's “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by The Byrds.

— Posted by Adrian

“Free Bird”!!

— Posted by Tony P

COLUMN: When the Hurlyburly's Done

By Tobin Barnes
“Double, double, toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble.”
   
The current political scene is like something from Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Soothsayers predicting dire calamity are haunting the nether regions. Talking heads have stirred the pot. Minions have flown to their assignments.
   
“By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.”
   
Some vague evil has supposedly been unleashed.
   
This realm is headed for hell in a hand-basket. No saving us now!
   
So what’s up? What’s the deal?
   
Did I miss the memo?
   
Are we entering into another World War II that we could very well lose, changing the very fabric of life itself?
   
Nope. Unless maybe someone hits the wrong button somewhere, but that’s been the situation for the last sixty years.
   
Is there going to be a civil war that could permanently divide the country into two parts if a couple of battles go the wrong way?
   
I don’t think so, even though a small number of wild-eyed “patriots” have started brandishing guns and stocking supplies in anticipation of Armageddon.
   
Are we headed for another ten-year Great Depression where starvation for hundreds of thousands of citizens becomes a distinct possibility?
   
Again, it doesn’t seem so. Economists think we’re all-too-slowly but surely rising out of our current severe recession—admittedly now dubbed the “Great Recession.”
   
But is it really “Katie bar the door”? Have the hinges of American society truly snapped?
   
Sure…okay…we made some changes to the health care system.
   
Many of those changes, looked at individually, would seem to be good things: no denial of health insurance because of pre-existing conditions, no loss of insurance because of job changes, no canceling of insurance during or after the incursion of major health expenses.
   
So what’s so evil about all those?
   
Of course, to make those good things possible, we needed to expand the insurance pool. After all, the more people insured—close to everybody under the new system—the more the above benefits will work financially. Risk needs to be expanded wider, not narrower. Any reform necessarily has to have that plank.
   
Also because of the health care changes just passed, the Congressional Budget Office, a non-partisan entity, estimates that the Federal budget deficit will be reduced by $100 billion in ten years and one-point-trillion something in twenty years.
   
Where’s the devil in that detail?
   
Not only that, but tens of thousands of lives will be saved per year because of better pre-emptive care currently unavailable to thirty-four million uninsured people. That sounds to me like a good-old American worthwhile objective.
   
And the cause of fifty percent of our bankruptcies will also be averted because hard-working citizens will be able to get the health-care monkey off their backs.
   
The changes are big, no doubt. But they had to be. And they’re no bigger than Medicare when it was introduced. And they’re no bigger than Social Security when it came about.
   
And what percent of the population would now like to give up those two programs?
   
No, it isn’t time for hyperventilation, rabble-rousing, threats, and hyperbole. When have those things ever done any good?
   
Let calmer heads prevail.

Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: You people are in such a great mood. I really appreciate it because on a day like this, it’s lousy weather. Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, like Glenn Beck. Read more…

Monologue | Monday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: President Obama won one of the great — they’re calling it — the “great legislative victories of the last 50 years” last night. He won health care reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, or as the Republicans are calling it “Armageddon.” Read more…

COLUMN: Put Your Hands Up and Step Away from the Bag

By Tobin Barnes
We were bushwhacked, I tell you, bamboozled and flimflammed.

It was a travesty of justice! It was skyway robbery! It was....

Wait. I never really like to appear too grumpy to my readers because…because…oh, what the heck? Who am I kidding? I’m a grump, and I’m going to enjoy being grumpy today.

That’s because I’ve got a bone to pick and an axe to grind. So here goes:
 
I like being in other places, but I don’t like getting there, see.

And the means of travel that I dislike even more than flying is driving. I know, some people enjoy driving, driving, driving long miles to get somewhere. Not me. I don’t. People who enjoy long road trips have never seen the humor in the Clark Griswold character.
 
When I drive hours on end, I feel like my life is seeping out my ears.
 
But I hate flying almost as much. It’s only the lesser of the two evils because it’s quicker.
 
They used to claim that it was fun to fly. My memory doesn’t go back that far. It’s never been “fun” for me, and it’s gotten less so with each passing trip.
 
The whole process from parking fees to what to pack and what not to pack, from standing in lines to delays and cancellations, from lost luggage to being eyed and examined and suspected has all become torturous enough.
 
But on our last flight, we encountered a fresh new circle of airline hell. It’s the carry-on-baggage “sizer.”
 
And what’s that? Wait my unsuspecting little babes-in-the-woods-like-me, and you shall see.
 
They’ve been charging for non-carry-on baggage for some time now. That’s nothing new. You’ve got to roll with the punches—especially when you see them coming—because there’s going to be a lot of punches. We adjusted by packing lighter and putting everything into two carry-on bags, one for each of us.
 
We even bought two new “carry-ons” that we thought fit the bill because they were called, appropriately enough, “carry-on” baggage. Besides, they were pretty darned spiffy. We used those bags without incident on two prior trips that we had taken.
 
But then came the recent trip when we got bushwhacked by the bean counters of corporate America. The name of this so-called “discount” airline I’ll leave to your imagination. Just realize that this new contagion will probably spread to other airlines given the current culture.
 
Anyway, there we were standing in line and merrily rolling our spiffy bags up to the ticket counter when these people behind us piped up and virtually destroyed our pre-trip reverie.
 
“Maybe they’ll let your bags go through,” one of them said, “but last time they charged us for bags that size.”
 
Now what could that mean? Must be some crank. I try not to talk to strangers, or anyone else for that matter.
 
“Yeah,” said the other, apparently thinking we wanted this information, “we had to go to the toy department to get carry-ons the size they would accept.” And there they stood behind us with two little lavender jobbies like I’ve seen children traveling with.

“Can’t really get much into them,” the first one said, “but it’s better than paying extra.”
 
Sure enough, now that we looked toward the ticket counter, innocent people, like us, were trying to wedge their normal-sized carry-on bags into a ridiculously small, aluminum-barred “sizer” that in the wrong hands could be used in Satanic initiation rites.
 
The ticket agents stood patiently by as the travelers tried everything but a sledge hammer (because there weren’t any handy) to try to squeeze their bags into that measuring box.
 
You could almost see the ticket agents thinking in a snarky sort of way, “Knock yourself out, buddy, it ain’t gonna fit. Do whatever it takes to convince yourself you’re going to have to pay us more money to get on that plane.”
 
After watching a number of people go through contortions with bags smaller than ours, we faced the facts: “How much is it going to cost us?”
 
“Thirty-five dollars…each way…for each bag.” That’s right, $140 above and beyond the price of our “discount” tickets. So, yes, we had been bushwhacked, bamboozled, and flimflammed. Extortion might not be too strong a word. And why? Purely revenue.
 
When we got to our seats on the plane, most of the overhead storage bins were empty: More than enough room for our bags and those of our fellow travelers who had also been bushwhacked, bamboozled, and flimflammed.

Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Jay Leno Show” on NBC: Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy — remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that’s embarrassing when a car dealer calls you a liar. Read more…

Monologue | Monday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up to the 11th century. So that’s good. Read more…

Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: In the morning here at CBS, they have “The Early Show.” Tomorrow on “The Early Show,” host Harry Smith is having a live colonoscopy. I know what you’re thinking: Finally, real breakfast fun. Here we go. Bring it on.

Welcome to the Obama health care plan, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how it’s going to work. Read more…

Chief Justice John Roberts criticized President Obama’s State of the Union and says the annual address has “degenerated to a political pep rally.” And I guess he didn’t like those five, drunk shirtless guys in the balcony with “O-B-A-M-A” painted on their bellies. – Bill Mihalic, Rochester, Mich.

Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts is writing a book. The working title is: “Pants on the Ground, Pants on the Ground, Lookin’ Like I Rule With My Pants on the Ground.” — Alex Kaseberg, San Diego

With Robert DeNiro playing Vince Lombardi in an ESPN film, you can bet the Packers had a dangerous taxi squad. – Bill Littlejohn, South Lake Tahoe, Calif.

To make a long story short, nothing beats a TV series cancellation. — Gil Stern, Las Vegas

Monologue | Tuesday night on “The Jay Leno Show” on NBC: Well, big changes announced today for the next Indianapolis 500. All the cars will be Toyota Priuses.

Monologue | Monday night on “The Jay Leno Show” on NBC: Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney. Read more…

Monologue | Monday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for “The Hurt Locker”, which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, “How did you end it?” Read more…

COLUMN: I Need Some More Work

Image via Wikipedia

By Tobin Barnes
I’ve started dressing for nicer weather, thinking it might actually encourage the weather to become nicer. And, you know what? The weather has actually gotten nicer...sometimes.

Weird, huh? Almost exciting.

But that’s right, you guessed it. That kind of thinking means it’s time for another therapy session. I need to go back to dullmen.com. Thinking like this is a key indicator that I need some more work. How about you?

Dullmen.com is a website in cyberspace “where dull men—and women who appreciate dull men—share experiences, interests, and ways of coping—coping in a world that presents an ever increasing number of exciting things to do.”

Dressing to influence the weather is about as out-of-control as I ever get, so as you can see, dullmen.com is the place for me…and maybe you, too.

After all, as the site reminds us, this is not an “aspirational website.” It isn’t going to help you flatten your stomach, whiten your teeth, or get more money in your bank account. It just celebrates the enjoyment of ordinary things at a nice slow pace, like avoiding too much excitement, taking it easy, and patiently waiting for the change of seasons instead of getting goofy about it.

Upon entering the site, right away, we have to calm ourselves down because we notice a new feature that wasn’t there before. (They should give us more warning—something like, “In a few months we’ll be adding a new feature.” That would give us time to prepare ourselves.)

Thankfully, the new section is called “Safe Excitement: Enjoy the Ordinary.” That makes the transition a little easier.

So what do they suggest for safe excitement? Well, they discuss bubble wrap with a fairly provocative close-up picture of some plastic bubble wrap with some of the bubbles popped. Other bubbles are teasingly intact.

Another suggestion for safe entertainment is watching cement being poured, trowelled into form, and allowed to set. The setting of the cement, of course, can extend the fun for hours. The site suggests that listening to the cement mixer is also enjoyable.

Also high on the suggestion list is elevator riding. Of course, the taller the building, the more exciting this can get. So it’s important to gauge your tolerance level. An elevator rider could easily trigger a panic attack by letting his emotions flair and going too high, too fast.

But the suggestion that intrigues me most? “Extreme Elevator Music Listening.”

What do you do when you’re going to extremes while listening to elevator music?

Well, first, you have to be in an elevator. Also, you have to be by yourself.

An interesting person, of course, could care less whether he or she was in an elevator alone or with ten people. But then, an interesting person wouldn’t listen to the elevator music in the first place. Wouldn’t even realize the music was there.

But a dull man in an elevator…by himself…listening to that sweet elevator music…well, he just might start grooving in there…you know what I mean? A little electric boogaloo, maybe?

That’s Extreme Elevator Music Listening.

Of course, you’d have to keep one eye on the floors passing by. If the elevator stops, and the doors open, and someone’s out there ready to get on, and you’re in there grooving…? Well, that could kill a dull man.

Would I, personally, ever get into Extreme Elevator Music Listening? Being dull, I’m not saying I would, and I’m not saying I wouldn’t.

But, hey, it’s intriguing.

Finally, the last suggestion for safe excitement is “Watching Paint Dry.” And the next level? Working for a paint company and having a job timing how long it takes.
Can dulldom get any better?

Monologue | Thursday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: Former governor George W. Bush is writing a book, writing a book. How about that, about his eight years in the White House. It’s all part of his war on literacy. Read more…

And this is Europe.

Is this guy classy or what? And how does he remember the lyrics?

Almost Like Art...Kinda