COLUMN: It Only Hurts When I Smile

By Tobin Barnes
“POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”
   
(“Whoa, Barnes, are you going to make us read more fractured definitions from The Devil’s Dictionary?”)
   
(“Uh, yeah. If you want. I really like them.”)
   
(“But they’re so pessimistic and cynical. Is that what you’re like?”)
   
(“Not necessarily. I’d like to think I’m a fairly optimistic guy. I’d like to think humanity, with some notably vile exceptions—including the recent past, has been improving. Things, I suspect, are unevenly getting better overall.”)
   
(“So why all the cynical definitions? Don’t they just drag everybody down?”)
   
(“I don’t think so. Actually, I think this type of stuff can pull everybody up. Let me explain.”)
   
Ambrose Bierce, the 19th century American writer of The Devil’s Dictionary and many anthologized short stories, looked around and found that people’s perceptions and practice usually differed greatly. He wanted to slap his readers into realizing that disparity.
   
Thus, “POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.”
   
And, “RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.”
   
And, “RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.”
   
Aren’t we all identifiable in that definition?
   
And, “POLITENESS, v. The most acceptable hypocrisy.”
   
“Cynicism” and “skepticism” are words that have been unfairly over-loaded with negative connotations by authority figures who don’t want to be questioned. Cynics and skeptics have been branded as disloyal and unfaithful.
   
On the other hand, “Cynicism” and “Skepticism” are words whose meaning have been utilized as tools by rebels who suspect our tenets have all-too-often been shot through with lies and manipulation.
   
Haven’t the real enemies of humanity been gullibility, ignorance, and, even worse, miseducation? More harm has been done through the ages by herd mentality than any other disease. Those who can bring themselves to think outside the herd have been mankind’s only saving grace, particularly when they are listened to—though sometimes that happens only generations later.
   
Now, of course, nothing spurs outrage quicker than religion, not even politics. And maybe that’s because there’s as many variations on religion as there are practitioners, which begs the question: Is everybody right or is everybody wrong? That’s because I dare to say, no two people have exactly the same beliefs. Various groups, ever splintering, have similar beliefs, but that’s about as far as it goes.
   
This is where Ambrose Bierce’s definitions can be particularly infuriating, but also maybe a tad enlightening if you’re willing to go there with him. It’s not always easy, and, even less, agreeable.
   
For example, “PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.”
   
That’ll get some people going.
   
And, “REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.”
   
And, “RICHES, n. A gift from heaven signifying, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.”
   
And, “SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.”
   
And, “SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.”
   
Uncomfortably, I find myself cringing and smiling and nodding all at the same time.