COLUMN: Things Are Bound to Get Chubbier

By Tobin Barnes
I’ve been turning things over in my mind lately—uh huh, trying to think.
   
It’s oftentimes painful.
   
But unlike turning over garden soil in the spring so it’s less compacted and ready for planting, turning things over in my mind doesn’t accomplish much other than inspiring me to turn things over again.
   
That’s right. My mind has become a recycled compost heap.
   
Nevertheless, things have occurred to me, though admittedly of dubious value.
   
For example, I recently turned over the idea that human beings are going to be blobs some day. And, heck, it seems more than likely since we are already halfway there. But now that they’ve come out with the Apple iPad, it’s pretty much a done deal.
   
Blobdom is now cemented into our future kinda like the cornerstone of a new Chucky Cheese franchise.
   
Heck, you’ve got to know that touch computer technology is the way things are going. That’s right, touch. It’s not even press or pull, which would indicate some little effort. You just touch the screen. You can’t even call it contact.
   
We’re not going to get exercise sitting upright, moving a mouse, and tapping keys anymore. And already for some that was the extent of their aerobic exercise—that is, except perhaps for moving a hand down to food and drink and then moving it back to mouth.
   
Now with the iPad and its ilk and kith and kin that will soon be barraging us in infinite product lines, all we will have to do is touch what we want. And even if we touch one thousand desires a day—music, videos, friends, reports, etcetera—what’s that, about ten calories?
   
After all, you can use an iPad in nearly any muscleless position of relaxation you can think of, including totally bean bagged in bed in a state of effortless suspension.
   
Gees, maybe even touch will be outmoded. It will merely be a matter of looking at icons and stuff will pop up on a screen. How many calories a day do you think it takes to run your eyeballs?
   
Of course, we won’t ever have to type anything again; instead, we’ll just input stuff by saying it, like we’re in Star Trek. That technology is already well on its way.
   
Speaking of Star Trek, I remember one old classic episode where the people of a planet had evolved into nothing but brains in these things like glass terrariums. They just thought and their desires were fulfilled through brainwaves.
   
It threw Captain Kirk for a loop. Couldn’t even shake hands with these guys, let alone exchange cigars.
   
Maybe that’s going to be us some day—pickled brains in bottles sitting in carrot juice.
   
But first, I think humans are inevitably going to go through a blob phase to get there. Our bodies will become slack, pudgy, useless appendages that we’ll eventually decide to discard.
   
Fat bodies, after all, just divert energy from enriching brain cells.
   
Yeah, so I’ve been turning this compost heap over and over in my mind, and I think that’s where we’re headed.
   
We’ll all just be brains with no need for lipstick or even styling mousse.
   
That’s right. Mark it down.
   
It all began with the iPad.