Friday, September 21, 2012
Good 'Late Night'
Conan
- A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself.
- New Jersey is banning smiling in driver's license photos. So now instead of telling drivers to say "cheese," the DMV photographer will just say, "You live in New Jersey."
Jay Leno
- I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Borowitz Report: New Romney Strategy
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what his campaign described today as a bold strategy to insure victory in the Presidential contest, Republican nominee Mitt Romney will undergo a procedure to have his mouth wired shut until Tuesday, November 6th.
The decision reportedly was made in response to the release earlier in the day of rare video footage showing Mr. Romney saying what he really thinks.
In the video, Mr. Romney blasts the American people for being “insanely obsessed with food, clothing, and shelter,” and asserts that many of them are “too lazy to hide their money overseas.”
Friday, September 14, 2012
Good 'Late Night' Jokes
Jimmy Fallon
- Today is National Fortune Cookie Day. I was going to celebrate, but only the proud man makes a spectacle of that which is best left unspoken.
- This week, a man in Missouri reeled in a live grenade when he went fishing. Or as one fish put it, "That's for my brother."
Jimmy Kimmel
- A new poll claims that 58 percent of Americans believe Barack Obama would beat Mitt Romney in a fistfight. I didn't realize that was an option. Maybe we can wrap this election up tonight. Make it a pay-per-view event. We could wipe out the national debt in one night.
- I like the idea of a fistfight to pick the commander in chief. Finally, my dream of a President Mike Tyson could become a reality.
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| English: Cinnamon roll as produced by cinnabon (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
Conan
- McDonald's announced they're going to start posting for the first time ever the calorie count of their menu items. Not to be outdone, Cinnabon announced they will start announcing their death toll.
- A science experiment backfired and the school was evacuated in Texas. The experiment that backfired was trying to teach science in Texas.
- Hooter's restaurants are making an effort to bring in more female customers. They say they need to change the waitresses and the food. Other than that, they're fine.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
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| Image via CrunchBase |
Conan
- Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?
- Today Apple unveiled the iPhone 5, which is 20 percent lighter and 18 percent thinner. In fact, it's just a piece of paper that says, "You saps will buy anything."
- In Russia, a 122-year-old man has passed away. He credited his long life to abstaining from alcohol, tobacco, and women. His last words were, "I've made a huge mistake."
Jimmy Kimmel
- McDonald's announced that starting next week they'll post calorie counts for all their menu items. I feel that when people see those numbers they'll think it's a contest — whoever eats the most calories wins nine-piece McNuggets or something like that.
- McDonald's says they're doing it so customers can make health-conscious decisions. They are eating at McDonald's. How health conscious could they be? The mayor of their town has a cheeseburger for a face. At that point you throw health conscious out the window.
Jimmy Fallon
- A new survey found that 34 percent of Americans do not have a Facebook or Twitter account. There's even a name for those people — productive.
- A new ATM lets customers video conference with bank tellers if they need help. If you can't figure out an ATM by the year 2012, I'm sure video conferencing will be a piece of cake.
- A recent poll found that most Americans believe president Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook.
Borowitz Report: Romney's Money
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—One day after he was roundly criticized by both parties for his comments about Libya, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney attempted to burnish his foreign-policy credentials today, telling reporters that “no one has spent more time overseas than my money has.”
“My money has served in banks from Switzerland to Bermuda, and from Bermuda to the Cayman Islands,” Mr. Romney said. “I challenge my opponent’s money to equal that record of service.”
Doubling down on his latest theme, Mr. Romney promised that “on Day One of my Presidency, I will ensure that American money is safe and secure in secret vaults and underground caves around the world.”
Mr. Romney’s recent foray into foreign policy
may have hurt him in a new poll, in which a majority of likely voters
agreed with the statement, “Mitt Romney is starting to make his trip to
the London Olympics look like the pinnacle of modern diplomacy.”
Read more http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2012/09/attacked-on-foreign-policy-romney-cites-his-moneys-experience-abroad.html#ixzz26MuyuOu9
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Good 'Late Night' Jokes: Dogg
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| Cover of Snoop Dogg |
Conan
- In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs.
Jimmy Kimmel
- Tomorrow Apple is holding a secret media event presumably to unveil the new iPhone 5. They say it has five blades for the closest shave yet.
- Snoop Dogg has endorsed Barack Obama's re-election campaign. He also endorsed Samoa Girl Scout cookies.
- Snoop made a compelling argument for a person who will probably not remember to vote.
Jimmy Fallon
- Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, “Wow, you too?”
- Actually, members of Mitt Romney’s own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney said, “Maybe.”
- A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. You can tell Romney’s depressed — last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation.
- A new study found that running for two minutes is just as good for you as working out for 90 minutes. That doesn’t sound like a study — it sounds like something a chubby guy says after being on the treadmill for two minutes.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Good Late Night Jokes
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| CHARLOTTE, NC - SEPTEMBER 04: First lady Michelle Obama takes the stage during day one of the Democratic National Convention at Time Warner Cable Arena on September 4, 2012 in Charlotte, North Carolina. The DNC that will run through September 7, will nominate U.S. President Barack Obama as the Democratic presidential candidate. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife) |
Conan
- Today, the Democrats added the word "God" to the official party platform. It's in the part that reads, "Did you see Michelle Obama's biceps. Oh, my God!"
- Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's helicopter.
Jimmy Kimmel
- There's a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight.
- The NFL season kicked off in New Jersey. The Dallas Cowboys played the defending champion New York Giants. So ladies, I guess we'll catch up with you on Valentine's Day.
Jimmy Fallon
- First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it "not the worst."
Monday, September 3, 2012
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