Image via CrunchBase

Conan

• Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?
• Today Apple unveiled the iPhone 5, which is 20 percent lighter and 18 percent thinner. In fact, it's just a piece of paper that says, "You saps will buy anything."
• In Russia, a 122-year-old man has passed away. He credited his long life to abstaining from alcohol, tobacco, and women. His last words were, "I've made a huge mistake."

Jimmy Kimmel

• McDonald's announced that starting next week they'll post calorie counts for all their menu items. I feel that when people see those numbers they'll think it's a contest — whoever eats the most calories wins nine-piece McNuggets or something like that.
• McDonald's says they're doing it so customers can make health-conscious decisions. They are eating at McDonald's. How health conscious could they be? The mayor of their town has a cheeseburger for a face. At that point you throw health conscious out the window.

Jimmy Fallon

• A new survey found that 34 percent of Americans do not have a Facebook or Twitter account. There's even a name for those people — productive.
• A new ATM lets customers video conference with bank tellers if they need help. If you can't figure out an ATM by the year 2012, I'm sure video conferencing will be a piece of cake.
• A recent poll found that most Americans believe president Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook.