COLUMN: Tough times, strange people

By Tobin Barnes
These are strange times. The media barrage is making me a little punchy. I was reading the news reports the other night, happened to nod off and had the following sub-headlines nightmare:

“Man hoping to be deported streaks down Fla. street”
Works nearly every time

“Hard times lead 21 couples to share wedding”
Of course, that means 21 drunken uncles all in one place

“Man decides to clean with gasoline while smoking”
Wins ‘Dip Stick Doesn’t Touch Oil’ Prize 3rd and final time

“Wash. man caught in HOV lane with unbuckled dummy”
Evidently, sharing the commute with your brother-in-law doesn’t count

“Skeleton found in tree 29 years after suicide”
Found earlier if people took time to appreciate nature

“Museum finds ‘secret’ message in Lincoln's watch”
It prophetically says, “Never trust an investment banker”

“DUI defendant claims that he's his own country”
Uh huh, he’s the prime minister of Outer Freakistan

“Obama to states: Spend stimulus wisely — or else”
Wise spending may stretch the bounds of Audacity of Hope

“President: Economy ‘not as bad as we think’”
However, it could be as bad as we feel

“Patients Are Putting Off Surgery, or Rushing It”
Or doing it themselves in tough economic times

“Man fends off attack with ice scraper”
Ice on windshield proved to be the tougher opponent

“Honda unveils dog-friendly car”
Complete with bark-activated GPS and driver’s side water bowl

“Politician fumes over ‘gay’ elephant in zoo”
Pachyderm count expected to remain static

“Court fines mother for phoning son too much”
Desperate son disappointed to find Katmandu has cell coverage, too

“Boom or bust, veteran bra maker still holding up”
This industry immune to economic sags, downturns

“Woman divorces husband for cleaning too much”
Judge grants on basis that he isn’t really a man

“Cat found alive after 5 weeks under rubble”
Confirms belief that cats never die in earthquakes

“Thief nabbed with 68 tubes of toothpaste”
Glowing teeth in dark alley gives him away

“Clowning around pays off for circus hopefuls”
Doesn’t work for prospective mortuary employees

"US nuclear experts pull out of North Korea"
Feared they'd be shot into space over Japan

"Citigroup 1Q results top Wall Street forecasts"
‘Still breathing’ beats original 'dead by summer' estimate

“Is Your Broker Cheating You?”
And what the heck is the difference?

“Colo. woman, 20, accused of taping dog to fridge”
P.O.-ed pooch’s slashing teeth unique weight-loss method

“No more monkey business: Vasectomies for primates”
Future evolution faces troublesome hurdle