Jay Leno
- You know who the real J.P. Morgan is, right? He's Captain Morgan's drunk brother who's bad with money.
David Letterman
- Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I'm going to wait and hear what Angela Lansbury has to say.
- JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?
- Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants.
- Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place.
Jimmy Fallon
- On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden.
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