David Letterman
- President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills.
- Mitt's wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there's another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace.
- Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: "Dancing with the Stars."
- Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide.
- Anybody watch the Kentucky Derby? Once again it was won by a guy from Kenya.
- The horse that I bet on was so slow that instead of a victory party we had to form a search party.
- Lindsay Lohan was seen having lunch with Woody Allen. That's a parole violation, right?
- After lunch, Woody reported that his glasses were missing.
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