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David Letterman:
- The Pakistani government is tearing down the house where Osama bin Laden was living because they don't want it to become a shrine. CBS coincidentally plans to do this with the theater once I leave.
- A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”
- According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
- I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.
Conan:
- Mitt Romney told a crowd that he is half Mexican. Which means that half of him will not be voting for Mitt Romney.
- Home Depot just announced plans to hire 70,000 new employees. They're looking for people to work hard and never be found by a customer.
- I'm Jimmy. I'm the host of the show. I'm also the host for a deadly new virus. But let's keep that quiet, if we could.
- This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven.
- McDonald’s has announced that for the next month in the United Kingdom, Happy Meals will come with a book instead of a toy. And they will be renamed “Disappointment Meals.”
- McDonald’s is apparently teaming up Harper Collins to give out an estimated 9 million books. That would never work in America. Our kids would just dip the books in ranch dressing and eat them.
Jay Leno:
- Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.
- Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, "Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. " He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states.
- According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again.
- Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
- There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.
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