Good 'Late Night' Jokes

Cover of Jay Leno

Jay Leno:

• 2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed. 
• Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain.
• Experts say traffic deaths are down because the bad economy means more cars are being repossessed, and all the unemployment means we don't have as many people driving to work. So you know what that means? The White House economic plan is also their highway safety plan.

Conan:

• Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months.

David Letterman:

• As I was coming out here, CBS News predicted the winner of the Iowa Republican caucuses: President Obama.
• There’s already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore.
• How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney.

Jimmy Fallon:

• The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, “Operation Regret This In Five Years.” 
• A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that's cool, this morning the “Angry Birds" app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator.
• The History Channel is planning a new 12-hour miniseries about the evolution of humans. And this is convenient. If you missed the episode on Neanderthals, you can just watch the season premiere of "Jersey Shore" this Thursday at 10:00 p.m.

Jimmy Kimmel:

• Do people still make New Year's resolutions? I feel like the advent of the Triple Double Oreo put an end to those but I could be wrong.
• My resolution this year is to do everything I can to help Kim Kardashian finally find love.
• Someone set 53 cars on fire over three days. Police were looking for a Caucasian man with a ponytail. Police should always be looking for a Caucasian man with a ponytail.
• They say the day people go back to work after the holidays was the most depressing day of the year. Funny thing. People who don't have jobs are depressed because they don't have one and those of us who do are depressed that we do.
• According to new poll done by "60 minutes," 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That's true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote.