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Jimmy Fallon
- Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking.
- A new study found that 68 percent of Americans are overweight or obese. While the rest are both.
Jimmy Kimmel:
- Last night on "American Idol," the show lost 18 percent of its total viewers and 26 percent of its younger viewers. Of those who did tune in, more than half were just checking to see if Steven Tyler is still alive.
- During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.
Conan:
- The National Enquirer says that the father of Khloe Kardashian is O.J. Simpson. When reached for comment, O.J. said, “Man, I just cannot catch a break.”
- According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't even aware Congress is doing a job.
- Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again.
- Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny it is actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney.
- The San Francisco subway system was shut down when some idiot drove an SUV into a subway tunnel. Boy, that Italian cruise ship captain is having a bad week.
- More details are coming out about the Italian cruise ship disaster. It seems the chef on board the ship says the captain ordered dinner after the crash. And here's the worst part — he ordered it to go.
David Letterman:
- They found an opossum on the subway, and not only that, but in the opossum's pouch, they found a loaded weapon.
- Here's what we know about the opossum. What they do is pretend to play dead so predators will leave them alone. Well, isn't that everybody on the subway?
- From nose to tail, it was two feet long. And it was so big, at first the transit authority thought it was a small New York City rat.
Craig Ferguson:
- Yahoo’s original founder resigned. If you want to know more about this situation, Google it.
- The first couple of episodes of "American Idol" are usually the highest rated of the season. Because there is something magical about watching people with dreams beyond their talent going on national TV and having those dreams crushed.
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