Good New Yorker Cartoon: Lassie

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoons: Guns

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

English: Barbara Walters at the Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark opening at Foxwoods Theatre, New York City in June 2011 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David Letterman

• Barbara Walters puts together her 10 most fascinating people of the year list, and it goes way back. I think on the first show she did, numbers one and two were the Wright brothers.
• I'm happy and gratified to be on the Barbara Walters list this year. I'm between the monkey that was running around in a Toronto store and Clint Eastwood's empty chair.

Conan

• According to a global study, American kids are way behind Asian kids in math and science. But American kids are ahead in buying stuff made by Asian kids.

Jay Leno

• More problems for Lindsay Lohan. Apparently she can’t pay her $8,000-a-month rent on her Beverly Hills mansion. Lindsay doesn't want to move because it's the perfect location. It's between two liquor stores, a bail bondsman, and an auto body shop.
• Honey Boo Boo is among Barbara Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People of 2012." In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2012."

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoon: Fiscal Cliff

Good New Yorker Cartoons: Dogs

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

English: David Letterman hosting President Barack Obama at Late Show with David Letterman. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David Letterman

• It's a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it.
• With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president.
• I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them.

Jimmy Fallon

• Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving.
• A new survey found that “Sophia” and “Aiden” were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky.
• Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he’s bored now that he’s no longer running for president — though not as bored as the rest of us were when he WAS running for president.

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoons: Galloping Socialism and Cliffs

Good New Yorker Cartoons: Lincoln

Family: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Good Late Night Jokes: Chris Christie's Pants

Chris Christie - Caricature (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

Late Show With David Letterman

• The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants.
• According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals.

Conan

• There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas.

Jay Leno

• It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, "Why not?" Those questions can't be any tougher than the ones he's getting at home right now.
• A dozen New York Jets players told a reporter that Tim Tebow is "terrible." They said he's a terrible quarterback. And believe me, if anybody knows terrible, it's the Jets.

Maureen Dowd: Moochers Strike Back

Romney and Tea Party loonies dismissed half the country as chattel and moochers who did not belong in their “traditional” America. But the more they insulted the president with birther cracks, the more they tried to force chastity belts on women, and the more they made Hispanics, blacks and gays feel like the help, the more these groups burned to prove that, knitted together, they could give the dead-enders of white male domination the boot.

Borowitz Report: Math and Science, Too?

RPW Chairman Reince Priebus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Opting for a bold “big tent” strategy to rebuild the party, Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, told reporters today, “We need to welcome people who believe in different things than we do, like math and science.”

After disappointing results in Tuesday’s election, Mr. Priebus said that it was time for Republicans to become “more tolerant of those with a math-and-science lifestyle.”

“Just because we don’t believe in those things doesn’t mean we can’t get along with people who do,” he said. “We want to send this message: math and science Americans are Americans, too.”

Read more http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2012/11/republicans-consider-welcoming-people-who-believe-in-math-and-science.html#ixzz2BeMyJJWf

Good New Yorker Cartoons: After an Election

Good Jokes at the Annual Al Smith Dinner in NYC

President Barack Obama

• Thank you, thank you so much, thank you. Everyone please take your seats — otherwise, Clint Eastwood will yell at them.
• In less than three weeks, voters in states like Ohio, Virginia, and Florida will decide this incredibly important election, which begs the question: What are we doing here?
• Of course, New Yorkers also have a big choice to make. You have to decide which one of us you want holding up traffic for the next four years.
• Tonight I am here with a man whose father was a popular governor, who knows what it's like to run a major northeastern state, and who could very well be president some day — and I'm hoping it is Andrew Cuomo.
• This is the third time that Governor Romney and I have met recently. As some of you may have noticed, I had a lot more energy in our second debate. I felt really well rested after the nice long nap I had in the first debate.
• It turns out that millions of Americans focused in on the second debate who didn't focus in on the first debate — and I happen to be one of them.
• I particularly want to apologize to Chris Matthews. Four years ago, I gave him a thrill up his leg; this time around, I gave him a stroke.
• Of course, there are a lot of things I learned from that experience. For example, I learned that there are worse things that can happen to you on your anniversary than forgetting to buy a gift.
• Now, win or lose, this is my last political campaign so I'm trying to drink it all in. Unfortunately, Mayor Bloomberg will only let me have 16 ounces.
• I'm still making the most of my time in the city. Earlier today I went shopping at some stores in Midtown. I understand Governor Romney went shopping for some stores in Midtown.
• I went to school here in New York and had a wonderful experience here. I used to love walking through Central Park, loved to go to old Yankee Stadium — "The house that Ruth built" — although he really did not build that. I hope everybody's aware of that.
• Sometimes it feels like this race has dragged on forever, but Paul Ryan assured me that we've only been running for two hours and 50-something minutes.
• Of course, the economy's on everybody's minds. The unemployment rate is at its lowest level since I took office. I don't have a joke here, I just thought it'd be useful to remind everybody.
• Ultimately, though, tonight's not about the disagreements Governor Romney and I may have. It's what we have in common, beginning with our unusual names. Actually Mitt is his middle name; I wish I could use my middle name.
• Next Monday's debate is a little different because the topic is foreign policy. Spoiler alert: We got bin Laden.
• Of course, world affairs are a challenge for every candidate. After my foreign trip in 2008, I was attacked as a celebrity because I was so popular with our allies overseas. And I have to say I'm impressed with how well Governor Romney has avoided that problem.
• And finally, let me say that I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided that for our final debate I'm going to go back to the strategy that I used to prepare for the first debate. I'm just kidding. I'm trying to make Axelrod sweat a little bit, get him a little nervous.
  
  Mitt Romney 
• I'm glad to be able to join in this memorable tradition. And of course I'm pleased that the president is here. We were chatting pleasantly this evening as if Tuesday night never happened.
• I was actually hoping the president would bring Joe Biden along this evening, because he'll laugh at anything.
• I'm sure the cardinal has no hard feelings, and we might get an indication of that during dinner to see if the president's wine turns into water. Or for that matter, whether my water turns into wine.
• I'm pleased to once again have the chance to see Governor Cuomo, who's already being talked about for higher office. A very impressive fellow, but he may be getting a little ahead of himself. I mean, let me get this straight. The man has put in one term as a governor. He has a father who happened to be a governor, and he thinks that's enough to run for president.
• We're down to the final months of the president's term. As President Obama surveys the Waldorf banquet room with everyone in white tie and finery, you have to wonder what he's thinking. So little time, so much to redistribute.
• Don't be surprised if the president mentions the monthly jobs report where there was a slight improvement in the numbers. He knows how to seize the moment, this president. He already has a compelling new campaign slogan: "You're better off now than you were four weeks ago."
• You know, with or without all the dignitaries that are here, the Al Smith dinner surely lives up to its billing. Usually when I get invited to gatherings like this, it's just to be the designated driver.
• Your kind hospitality here tonight gives me a chance to convey my deep and long-held respect for the Catholic Church. I have special admiration for the Apostle St. Peter, to whom it [was], "Upon this rock, I will build my church." The story is all the more inspiring when you consider that he had so many skeptics and scoffers at the time who were heard to say, "If you've got a church, you didn't build that."
• People seem to be very curious just as to how we prepare for the debates. Let me tell you what I do. First, refrain from alcohol for 65 years before the debate.
• Second, find the biggest available strawman and then just mercilessly attack it. Big Bird didn't even see it coming.
• And by the way, in the spirit of Sesame Street, the president's remarks tonight are brought to you by the letter "O" and the number "16 trillion."
• Campaigns can be grueling, exhausting. President Obama and I are each very lucky to have one person who is always in our corner, someone who we can lean on, and someone who is a comforting presence, and without whom, we wouldn't be able to go another day. I have my beautiful wife Ann; he has Bill Clinton.
• I never suggest that the press is biased. I recognize that they have their job to do, and I have my job to do. My job is to lay out a positive vision for the future of the country, and their job is to make sure no one else finds out about it.
• Let's just say that some in the media have a certain way of looking at things. When suddenly I pulled ahead in some of the major polls, what was the headline? "Polls Show Obama Leading from Behind."
• And I've already seen early reports from tonight's dinner. Headline: "Obama Embraced by Catholics.” Headline: “Romney Dines with Rich People."
• The president has put his own stamp on relations with the church. There have been some awkward moments. Like when the president pulled Pope Benedict aside to share some advice on how to deal with his critics. He said, "Look, Holy Father, whatever the problem is, just blame it on Pope John Paul II."
• The president has found a way to take the sting out of the Obamacare mandates for the church. From now on, they're going to be in Latin.

Borowitz Report: Second Debate

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With his polite and well-mannered performance widely panned in the first Presidential debate, President Barack Obama is under mounting pressure to prove that he can act like an asshole in the second debate tomorrow night, a campaign aide confirmed.

“In America, we demand that our President remain cool and calm in a crisis but go batshit in a debate,” the aide said. “Tuesday night is all about that second piece.”

Rather than unspooling a laundry list of facts and numbers as he did in the first debate, this time Mr. Obama will focus on tearing Mr. Romney a new one.

Unfortunately, the aide acknowledged, such classic dick moves as dismissively interrupting an opponent and laughing over his answers do not come naturally to Mr. Obama: “That’s why we’re having Joe Biden work with him.”

Read more http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2012/10/obamas-new-debate-strategy.html#ixzz29Oq0xcxv

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

English: President Barack Obama talks with co-producer Michele Tasoff during a break in taping “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” at NBC Studios in Burbank, Calif., Oct. 25, 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jimmy Fallon

• This week the Obamas’ dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does — digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates.
• The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, “That’s too many locations, man.”
• Six months after getting engaged on national TV, Ben and Courtney from “The Bachelor” revealed that they have broken up. Other “Bachelor” contestants were shocked. They were like, “You guys stayed together for six months?”

Jimmy Kimmel

• I feel bad for Lindsay Lohan. But it's time to stop blaming her mother. We should blame her grandmother for the way her mother turned out.
• ABC has ordered a new celebrity competition show. It's similar in structure to "Dancing With the Stars" but instead of dancing, celebrities will be diving into a pool. At first I was interested. But then I found out they're planning on putting water in the pool.

David Letterman

• The vice-presidential debate is tomorrow night. Democrats took a pounding at the last debate, so now they're going to be a little more aggressive. Joe Biden is thinking of opening with a head butt.
• It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn't there for the last one either.

Jay Leno

• Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called “Kids Pick the President.” Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents.

Good 'Late Night' Jokes: Columbus Day

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• Apparently after last week’s debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it’s also known, “the thing Obama failed to make during last week’s debate.”
• Kim Kardashian said in a new interview that her next wedding will be on a private island with no TV cameras. Which raises a lot of questions, like, “If a Kardashian does something but there are no cameras, did it actually happen?”

David Letterman

• In honor of Columbus Day, the Jets played earlier tonight against the Houston Texans and lost 14-92.
• It's Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign.
• Joe Biden is taking no chances for his upcoming vice-presidential debate with Paul Ryan. He's taking six days off to prepare. Six days off from what?

Jay Leno

• While the average American's net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn't motivated to do anything — they're the only ones better off now than they were four years ago.
• Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it’s been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate.

Borowitz Report: Post-Nov. 6 onslaught

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report)—Canada announced today that it was tightening security along its border with the United States amid concerns that there could be a mass migration of illegal Americans after Tuesday, November 6th.

According to Randolph McTavish, Deputy Commissioner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, border patrols are on alert due to an “increase in chatter” indicating that a threat to Canada’s border might be imminent.

“We’ve been intercepting troubling comments from some very freaked-out people,” he said. “Most of it has been on NPR call-in shows.”

Stating that the R.C.M.P. is patrolling every kilometre of the Canadian border, he issued this warning to Americans who might try to cross into Canada illegally: “If you drive a Prius, you will be stopped.”

He also warned Americans against trying to slip across the border in the hopes of passing as Canadians: “It is very difficult, if not impossible, to pretend to like hockey.”

Read more http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2012/10/canada-tightens-border.html#ixzz28omkZsWL

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

Jay Leno

• They’re saying close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn’t tune in was President Obama.
• President Obama talked last night about finding other sources of energy for the future. Other sources? He couldn't muster up enough energy for the 90-minute debate!

Conan

• At one point last night, President Obama said the one thing about being president is learning to say no. Especially when someone asks, "Do you feel ready for this debate?"
• Mitt Romney went after PBS last night. It's about time someone went after those guys. It's about time someone took some starch out of their collars.



Cover of Bert & Ernie

• During last night's debate, Mitt Romney said he would cut funds to PBS even though he loves Big Bird. And he said he's definitely against whatever Bert and Ernie are up to.

Jimmy Kimmel

• The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife's friends at a dinner party.

Jimmy Fallon

• Last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn't show up for the event — Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama.
• It was not a good night for the president. In fact, the president seemed to give long-winded, disjointed answers during last night's debate. Even Gary Busey was like, "Dude, you've got to focus."

Nicholas D. Kristoff: Inequality

MILAN, ITALY - NOVEMBER 10: Joseph Stiglitz delivers a speech at the World Business Forum 2011 on November 10, 2011 in Milan, Italy. International business executives attended the eighth edition of the World Business Forum, an annual global business summit, which will run from November 9-10. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

Our wealth has become so skewed that the top 1 percent possesses a greater collective worth than the entire bottom 90 percent, according to the Economic Policy Institute in Washington.

This inequality is a central challenge for the United States today and should be getting far more attention in this presidential campaign. A few snapshots:

• The six heirs of Sam Walton, the founder of Walmart, own as much wealth as the bottom 100 million Americans.

• In 2010, 93 percent of the gain in national income went to the top 1 percent.

• America’s Gini coefficient, the classic measure of inequality, set a modern record last month — the highest since the Great Depression.

This dismal ground is explored in an important and smart new book, “The Price of Inequality,” by Joseph Stiglitz, the Nobel laureate who was chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers under President Bill Clinton. It’s a searing read.

“We are paying a high price for our inequality — an economic system that is less stable and less efficient, with less growth,” Stiglitz warns.

Good New Yorker Cartoons

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The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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