Good 'New Yorker' Cartoons

Good 'Top Ten': Academy Awards

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Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say In An Academy Awards Acceptance Speech

10. "This is for you, Kim Jong-Il"
9. "I've had sex with every woman in this year's dead actor montage"
8. "Take that, 99-percenters!"
7. "I'd like to take this opportunity to endorse the next President of the United States, Rick Santorum"
6. "I owe it all to my creepy religious cult"
5. "My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs"
4. "Now I'd like to say a few words about Cool Ranch Doritos"
3. "I share this award with my drug-mule, Hector"
2. "I'd like to thank my sham wife for not revealing I'm gay"
1. "I'll be in the men's room, 'polishing my statuette'"

Good 'Late Night' Jokes: Bieber and Oscars

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Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• Happy Birthday to Justin Bieber, who turns 18 years old this week. You can tell he’s growing up because today he took down all his Justin Bieber posters.

Jay Leno

• It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer. 
• The new cast of "Dancing With the Stars" has been revealed. They're leaving one spot open for whoever loses on Super Tuesday next week.

Craig Ferguson

• Forty million people watched the Academy Awards last night. To give you an idea how many that is, take the number of people who saw "The Artist" and add 40 million.

David Letterman

• Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it's a holy day.
• Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.
• Ron Paul announced earlier today his campaign is the only one that's entirely financed by moonshine.

Conan

• Last night "The Artist" won five Oscars. That works out to one Oscar for every person who saw the movie.
• Last night 82-year-old Christopher Plummer became the oldest actor to ever win an Academy Award. Of course, when the show started, he was only 79.
• As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection. 
• Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, "That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney."
• The CEO of Pizza Hut said that when he was in college, he used to bring his dates to Pizza Hut. When asked where he brought them on the second date, he said there were no second dates.
• In Louisiana a male chimpanzee named Conan is still getting female chimps pregnant despite the fact that he's already had two vasectomies. According to officials, this chimp is so masculine they've stopped calling him Conan.

David Brooks on the Republican Party

Look away! Look away! (Photo credit: Norm Walsh)

Republicans on the extreme ferociously attack their fellow party members. Those in the middle backpedal to avoid conflict. Republicans on the extreme are willing to lose elections in order to promote their principles. Those in the mainstream are quick to fudge their principles if it will help them get a short-term win.

In the 1960s and ’70s, the fight was between conservatives and moderates. Conservatives trounced the moderates and have driven them from the party. These days the fight is between the protesters and the professionals. The grass-roots protesters in the Tea Party and elsewhere have certain policy ideas, but they are not that different from the Republicans in the “establishment.”

The big difference is that the protesters don’t believe in governance. They have zero tolerance for the compromises needed to get legislation passed. They don’t believe in trimming and coalition building. For them, politics is more about earning respect and making a statement than it is about enacting legislation. It’s grievance politics, identity politics.

Of course, the professional politicians don’t want to get in the way of this torrent of passion and resentment. In private, they bemoan where the party is headed; in public they do nothing.

Related articles

• Where Were You in 1993, David Brooks? (delong.typepad.com)

Borowitz Report on Santorum's 'Sturch'

we say KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON never gets old (Photo credit: typebalance)

LANSING (The Borowitz Report) – Telling a crowd of supporters that the separation of church and state “makes me want to throw up,” GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum today proposed replacing church and state with a new entity he called “sturch.”

“Merging church and state into sturch will benefit all Americans,” he said.  “Except maybe Jews.”

Mr. Santorum said that the combined entity would offer greater convenience to the American people than the separation of church and state currently does, since Americans would be able to get salvation and motor vehicle renewals at the same place every Sunday.

Turning to another campaign theme, Mr. Santorum told the crowd, “I support the rights of the unborn child until it is born and wants an education."

He contrasted himself with President Obama on the education issue, stating, “Barack Obama speaks in complete sentences.  What a snob.”

Rio: 'The City of Samba'

The City of Samba from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

Maureen Dowd on Republicans' Five Stages of Grief

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Republicans are getting queasy at the gruesome sight of their party eating itself alive, savaging the brand in ways that will long resonate.

“Republicans being against sex is not good,” the G.O.P. strategist Alex Castellanos told me mournfully. “Sex is popular.”

He said his party is “coming to grips with a weaker field than we’d all want” and going through the five stages of grief. “We’re at No. 4,” he said. (Depression.) “We’ve still got one to go.” (Acceptance.)

The contenders in the Hester Prynne primaries are tripping over one another trying to be the most radical, unreasonable and insane candidate they can be. They pounce on any traces of sanity in the other candidates — be it humanity toward women, compassion toward immigrants or the willingness to make the rich pay a nickel more in taxes — and try to destroy them with it.

Borowitz Report on Polls

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) – With just one day until the key Republican contests in Michigan and Arizona, a new survey of likely voters indicates that in a match-up between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, a majority would choose suicide over either candidate.

The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Romney drawing 21%, Mr. Santorum 18%, and various forms of suicide 61%.

“Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus” was the most popular means of suicide at 22%, with “jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge” coming in second at 17%.

Good 'Late Night' Jokes: Front Runners

David Letterman

• Mitt Romney has been the front-runner from day one but nobody likes Mitt Romney because he's not kooky enough.
• They're looking for somebody kookier so Rick Santorum is a pretty good choice. He does not believe in birth control. Does not believe in global warming. Does not believe in long-sleeve sweaters.
• The latest polls show Romney and Rick Santorum neck and neck. Not to be confused with Newt Gingrich, who is shown in the polls as chin to chin.

Best Actress Academy Award (Photo credit: cliff1066™)

Craig Ferguson

• President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace "hope and change." He's thinking of going with "I am not Mitt Romney."
• There are rumors that Mitt Romney will ask Ron Paul to be his running mate. He was originally going to reach out to Rick Santorum. But Rick's not crazy about other dudes reaching out for him.

Jimmy Kimmel

• Oscar night is the magical night where we sit around in sweat pants and criticize the way famous women are dressed.

Gail Collins on Michigan Trees and Romney

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Is it true that Romney told people in Michigan that their trees were just the right height?

Yes, he was trying to butter them up. He also said “I love cars!” This is yet another example of Mitt’s common touch. In Ohio recently, he told a long story about going to a friend’s wedding, taking some nail polish and writing on the soles of the groom-to-be’s shoes so that when he knelt at the altar, the congregation could read HELP.

This anecdote raises several questions. A) Do you think it actually happened? And B) If you found out it was true, would that make you like Romney more, or less?

What is the right height for a tree?

Not sure, but he said it again on Friday, adding that in Michigan “the streets are just right,” too.

Then he undermined all that hard work on the carpenter-dad angle by adding that his wife drives “a couple of Cadillacs.” The man has an army of political advisers who feed him with oppo research about Rick Santorum’s earmarks, but apparently nobody suggested downplaying the second Caddy.

Related articles

• Romney: My Wife Drives 'A Couple Of Cadillacs' (thinkprogress.org)

Good 'Top Ten': Mitt Movies

Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney

10. Dial M For Mitt
9. Mitty Mitty Bang Bang
8. The Mittrix
7. Butch Romney And The Sundance Mitt
6. Mittion: Impossible
5. When Harry Mitt Romney
4. Terms of Endearmitt
3. Mr. Romney Doesn't Go To Washington
2. Dog On A Hot Car Roof
1. They're Just Not That Into You

Good 'Late Night' Jokes: Test-Tube Meat

Jay Leno

• Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.
• Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds. 
• Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular.

Chris Christie - Caricature (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

David Letterman

• New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they're OK. They can go ahead and get married.
• Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad.
• Scientists have now created artificial meat. They've done so with stem cells in a test tube. Is your mouth watering?
• Rick Santorum says Satan is out to get America. Do we have enough trouble? Now it turns out Satan's after us. 

Jimmy Kimmel

• Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate. 
• Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. 

Conan

• During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy.

Jimmy Fallon

• Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, "Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.”
• Last week a toy store in Massachusetts accidentally received a liquor license, which explains that new toy — "Call-Me-a-Cab Elmo.”

Related articles

• Catholic Church Now Goes After Girl Scouts (ken_ashford.typepad.com)
• Jon Stewart Skewers Chris Christie: What If Fat Marriage Were Illegal? (queerty.com)

Gail Collins on 20th Debate

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Take your pick, Republicans. On one hand, the guy who once drove to Canada with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car. On the other, the guy who won his first Congressional race by criticizing his opponent for moving his family to Washington. And then later moved his own family to Washington, but said it didn’t count because the Senate was different from the House.

Much of the debate involved the two front-runners squabbling, and Santorum proved that even if the subject was rutabagas, he would still find a way to point out that Massachusetts passed its universal health care law when Mitt Romney was governor.

When the topic turned to a murky discussion of contraception, in which birth control pills seemed to get the blame for rising rates of unwed motherhood, Santorum suddenly said: “The whole reason this issue is alive is because of the bill that you drafted in Massachusetts, Romneycare.”

Romney then announced that everything — I think this included both unwed motherhood and the Obama health care reform — happened because Santorum had endorsed Arlen Specter for the U.S. Senate in 2004.

The Arizona crowd was totally on Romney’s side. This was no easy task, since it required a lot of booing and cheering at those obscure earmark arguments. But Mitt needed all the help he could get. He’s facing a must-win primary next week in Michigan, which is, of course, his home state. Along with Massachusetts and New Hampshire and California, where he has, um, homes. Michigan appears to be the only Romney home state where Romney does not have an actual residence.

In his attempts to make up for that oversight, Mitt has really been laying it on thick. “I love this state!” he told Michiganders at one campaign stop. “It seems right here! Trees are the right height!”

In another ploy to re-win the love of the state whose major industry he wanted to send into bankruptcy, Romney got Donald Trump to record robo-calls that will tell innocent Michigan phone answerers that Mitt Romney, is a “good man” while Rick Santorum, is a “career politician.”

Romney thinks Michigan voters will like him better because he has earned the respect of Donald Trump. A person who claimed he had to postpone plans to run for president himself and save the nation because of a conflict with the airing dates for “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Well, there’s always Santorum. The career politician! Actually, Trump was entirely unfair on this point — Santorum has been out of office since 2006, when he was defeated for re-election by one of the widest margins in American history.

Take your pick, Republican primary voters. If neither one works for you, there’s always Newt. Or Ron Paul. Some choice, dudes. Not groovy.

Related articles

• Op-Ed Columnist: Four Dudes and a Table (nytimes.com)

Maureen Dowd on 'Mullah' Rick Santorum

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Rick Santorum has been called a latter-day Savonarola.

That’s far too grand. He’s more like a small-town mullah.

“Satan has his sights on the United States of America,” the conservative presidential candidate warned in 2008. “Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American tradition.”

When, in heaven’s name, did sensuality become a vice? Next he’ll be banning Barry White.

Santorum is not merely engaged in a culture war, but “a spiritual war,” as he called it four years ago. “The Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country — the United States of America,” he told students at Ave Maria University in Florida. He added that mainline Protestantism in this country “is in shambles. It is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it.”

Satan strikes, a Catholic exorcist told me, when there are “soul wounds.” 

Santorum, who is considered “too Catholic” even by my über-Catholic brothers, clearly believes that America’s soul wounds include men and women having sex for reasons other than procreation, people involved in same-sex relationships, women using contraception or having prenatal testing, environmentalists who elevate “the Earth above man,” women working outside the home, “anachronistic” public schools, Mormonism (which he said is considered “a dangerous cult” by some Christians), and President Obama (whom he obliquely and oddly compared to Hitler and accused of having “some phony theology”).

Santorum didn’t go as far as evangelist Franklin Graham, who heinously doubted the president’s Christianity on “Morning Joe.”

Mullah Rick, who has turned prayer into a career move, told ABC News’s Jake Tapper that he disagreed with the 1965 Supreme Court decision striking down a ban on contraception. And, in October, he insisted that contraception is “not O.K. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

Related articles

• Op-Ed Columnist: Rick's Religious Fanaticism (nytimes.com)

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

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David Letterman

• The Yankees now have a new fragrance. It was just bound to happen because any time you walk into their clubhouse, you say "Oh wow, if someone could just bottle this."
• The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?

Craig Ferguson

• People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.
• Obama was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.

Jay Leno

• You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.

The Wild Heart

Paul Krugman on the Redness of the Safety Net

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But why do regions that rely on the safety net elect politicians who want to tear it down? I’ve seen three main explanations.

First, there is Thomas Frank’s thesis in his book “What’s the Matter With Kansas?”: working-class Americans are induced to vote against their own interests by the G.O.P.’s exploitation of social issues. And it’s true that, for example, Americans who regularly attend church are much more likely to vote Republican, at any given level of income, than those who don’t.

Still, as Columbia University’s Andrew Gelman points out, the really striking red-blue voting divide is among the affluent: High-income residents of red states are overwhelmingly Republican; high-income residents of blue states only mildly more Republican than their poorer neighbors. Like Mr. Frank, Mr. Gelman invokes social issues, but in the opposite direction. Affluent voters in the Northeast tend to be social liberals who would benefit from tax cuts but are repelled by things like the G.O.P.’s war on contraception.

Finally, Cornell University’s Suzanne Mettler points out that many beneficiaries of government programs seem confused about their own place in the system. She tells us that 44 percent of Social Security recipients, 43 percent of those receiving unemployment benefits, and 40 percent of those on Medicare say that they “have not used a government program.”

Presumably, then, voters imagine that pledges to slash government spending mean cutting programs for the idle poor, not things they themselves count on. And this is a confusion politicians deliberately encourage. For example, when Mr. Romney responded to the new Obama budget, he condemned Mr. Obama for not taking on entitlement spending — and, in the very next breath, attacked him for cutting Medicare.

The truth, of course, is that the vast bulk of entitlement spending goes to the elderly, the disabled, and working families, so any significant cuts would have to fall largely on people who believe that they don’t use any government program.

The message I take from all this is that pundits who describe America as a fundamentally conservative country are wrong. Yes, voters sent some severe conservatives to Washington. But those voters would be both shocked and angry if such politicians actually imposed their small-government agenda.

Related articles

• Op-Ed Columnist: Moochers Against Welfare (nytimes.com)

Gail Collins on Congress

Wilson before Congress, 4/20/12 (LOC) (Photo credit: The Library of Congress)

I am shocked to report that Congress, the beating heart of American democracy, is unpopular.

Not unpopular like a shy kid in junior high. Unpopular like the Ebola virus, or zombies. Held in near-universal contempt, like TV shows about hoarders with dead cats in their kitchens. Or people who get students to call you up during dinner and ask you to give money to your old university.

The latest Gallup poll gave Congress a 10 percent approval rating. As Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado keeps pointing out, that’s lower than BP during the oil spill, Nixon during Watergate or banks during the banking crisis.

On the plus side, while 86 percent of respondents told Gallup that they disapproved of the job Congress was doing, only 4 percent said they had no opinion. That’s really a great sense of public awareness, given the fact that other surveys show less than half of all Americans know who their member of Congress is.

So little attention, yet so much rancor. We’re presuming that this is because of the dreaded partisan gridlock, which has made Congress increasingly unproductive in matters that do not involve the naming of post offices.

And Congress is listening! Lately, we have been seeing heartening new signs of bipartisan cooperation. For instance, the House and Senate are near an agreement on the payroll tax cut, namely that it will continue and not be paid for.

This is actually sort of a tradition. No matter who is in power in Washington, Congress has always shown a remarkable ability to band together and pass tax cuts that are not paid for. It’s like naming post offices, only somewhat more expensive.

Related articles

• Op-Ed Columnist: Why Congress Has No Date for the Prom (nytimes.com)

Good New Yorker Cartoons

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

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Jimmy Fallon

• Donald Trump is criticizing the Scottish government for trying to build a wind farm near his golf resort. That makes sense — I mean, if you look at Trump’s hair, wind is clearly his worst enemy.
• A new study found that students who are taught abstinence end up with better math scores. Of course, if you join the math team, the abstinence takes care of itself.
• Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show.

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year.
• The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.
• You know what Kobe Bryant's wife is getting for Valentine's Day? Half. 
• You know a really sad thing about Valentine's Day? Some people can't have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.
• The vice president of China showed up at the White House today. That's what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up, starts looking around.
• New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey.
• A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway.

Conan

• Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about.
• The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication.

David Letterman

• I love the Grammys. It has songs I don't know performed by people I've never heard of.
• Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.
• Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine's Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.
• Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.

Related articles

• Donald Trump blasts plans for Scottish wind farm (seattletimes.nwsource.com)

Frank Bruni on Rick Santorum

Santorum Drops By Iowa State Fair (Photo credit: Talk Radio News Service)

To “the dog ate my homework,” we can now add “my wife wrote the chapter.”

Enlarge This Image

That’s the excuse, more or less, with which Rick Santorum is distancing himself from a snippet of his 2005 book, “It Takes a Family,” in which “radical feminists” are disparaged for giving women the idea that they might find greater fulfillment outside the home. By using the passive voice in the last stretch of that sentence, I’m cutting him a break. I could have said “he disparaged” those feminists, because he’s the only author listed on the book’s cover, and there’s no acknowledgment of literary assistance from the hard-typing, home-schooling, house-tethered missus. So even if he’s not a troglodyte, he’s something of a credit hog.

You gotta love politics, and you gotta love Santorum. For much of this campaign, he has been content to occupy the rightward extremes of social issues, where he obviously felt he would best find traction. For most of last week, he stood there proudly and loudly, championing the Roman Catholic bishops in their archaic — and, let’s be clear, irresponsible — antipathy to birth control.

He even came up with perhaps the most ridiculous hyperbole in a political season thick with it. He said that “the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith” would lead the country to “the guillotine,” an apparent assertion that for Obama, hope and change are the smokescreen, deficits and decapitation the real agenda.

Related articles

• Santorum: Women Shouldn't Be In Combat Because Of "Other Types Of Emotions" (alan.com)

Van Gogh 2.0

Starry Night (interactive animation) from Petros Vrellis on Vimeo.

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

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Jay Leno

• Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.
• Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.
• Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. Why don't they just change their name to Jack in the Coffin? 
• Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.
• Romney's campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.

David Letterman

• Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement.
• It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him. 
• Anybody ever been to the Jack in the Box? They have introduced something, the bacon milkshake. When I first heard that I said, "Hey, come on, what, no cheese?" 

Jimmy Kimmel

• Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.
• He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests.
• There's really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.

Jimmy Fallon

• According to new research, playing iPhone games like "Angry Birds" and "Words With Friends" can improve your memory. Yeah, it can help you remember distant events like the last time you actually talked to a person.
• Police in New York are looking for a bald man who stole three boxes of Rogaine. Yeah, he's bald and doesn't have the money to buy Rogaine, which explains who's not looking for him — women.
• A new survey found that the average guy will spend about $200 on Valentine's Day this year. Yep, that's 20 bucks for flowers and 180 bucks for last-minute delivery of flowers.

Related articles

• Donald Trump Blasts Santorum As A Loser: 'He Wants To Be President? Give Me A Break' (mediaite.com)
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Good 'New Yorker' Cartoons

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard In The New England Patriots Locker Room After The Super Bowl
10. "Did we win?"
9. "What matters most is we had fun"
8. "We should have Tebowed"
7. "When's game two?"
6. "President Bush is on the phone"
5. "We still get paid, right?"
4. "On the bright side, we still get to shower together"
3. "Why is Bill Belichick naked?"
2. "Who cares that we lost — I'm married to a supermodel" (Tom Brady only)
1. "Well, at least we don't have to go on Letterman"

Related articles

• Late Show Top Ten Things Overheard In Patriots Locker Room After Super Bowl (boston.cbslocal.com)

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don't know if it would really work.
• Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he's not concerned with the very poor. I don't think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.

Late Show With David Letterman

• I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.
• Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.
• Newt Gingrich has criticized “New York elites” who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.
• What is more American than gathering the family for a full day of watching beer and Viagra commercials?

Image via Wikipedia

Conan

• Fast-food chain Jack in the Box has introduced a bacon milk shake. Yeah. This is all part of Jack in the Box's new “Die Happy Meal.”
• In an interview, Joan Rivers said she's had 739 surgical procedures. In fact, she started out as a man from Kenya. 

Borowitz Report on Romney's Clarification

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LA JOLLA, CA (The Borowitz Report) – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today released the following letter to the American people:

Dear American People:

Yesterday, comments I made about poor people made me look terrible.  This always seems to happen when I say what I really believe.

The fact is, I do care about poor people.  That’s because I’m poor myself, when you compare me to Mark Zuckerberg.

According to most projections, Facebook’s IPO should net Mr. Zuckerberg a personal fortune of $28 billion.  I couldn’t make a pile of dough-re-mi like that even if I fired people twenty-four hours a day.

Now, let’s take a look at Mitt Romney’s net worth: a measly $200 million.  Now do you see why I consider myself poor?  Compared to Mark Zuckerberg, Mitt Romney is practically a crack whore.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and envy a rich person like Mark Zuckerberg.  That’s exactly what President Obama wants poor people like me to do.  Mark Zuckerberg made his money fair and square, by creating useful products like imaginary sheep and angry birds.  Say what you will about Facebook, it has totally revolutionized the way we waste our lives.

The fact is, if you’re poor in America, you should do what Mark Zuckerberg did: create a social network.  I’ve just started my own, called TwoFaceBook.  With TwoFaceBook, your profile doesn’t stay the same for more than two seconds.

In closing, there’s one more reason I don’t worry about poor people.  They have Groupons.

Vote for me,

Mitt Romney

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• Mitt Romney Flip-Flops on Poor People (slog.thestranger.com)