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Jay Leno
- Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.
- Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.
- Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. Why don't they just change their name to Jack in the Coffin?
- Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.
- Romney's campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.
David Letterman
- Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement.
- It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him.
- Anybody ever been to the Jack in the Box? They have introduced something, the bacon milkshake. When I first heard that I said, "Hey, come on, what, no cheese?"
Jimmy Kimmel
- Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.
- He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests.
- There's really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.
Jimmy Fallon
- According to new research, playing iPhone games like "Angry Birds" and "Words With Friends" can improve your memory. Yeah, it can help you remember distant events like the last time you actually talked to a person.
- Police in New York are looking for a bald man who stole three boxes of Rogaine. Yeah, he's bald and doesn't have the money to buy Rogaine, which explains who's not looking for him — women.
- A new survey found that the average guy will spend about $200 on Valentine's Day this year. Yep, that's 20 bucks for flowers and 180 bucks for last-minute delivery of flowers.
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