DETROIT (The Borowitz Report)
– With just one day until the key Republican contests in Michigan and
Arizona, a new survey of likely voters indicates that in a match-up
between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and former
Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, a majority would choose suicide over
either candidate.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research
Institute, shows Mr. Romney drawing 21%, Mr. Santorum 18%, and various
forms of suicide 61%.
“Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus” was the most popular
means of suicide at 22%, with “jumping off the roof of a really tall
building or bridge” coming in second at 17%.
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