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Jimmy Fallon
- Donald Trump is criticizing the Scottish government for trying to build a wind farm near his golf resort. That makes sense — I mean, if you look at Trump’s hair, wind is clearly his worst enemy.
- A new study found that students who are taught abstinence end up with better math scores. Of course, if you join the math team, the abstinence takes care of itself.
- Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year.
- The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.
- You know what Kobe Bryant's wife is getting for Valentine's Day? Half.
- You know a really sad thing about Valentine's Day? Some people can't have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.
- The vice president of China showed up at the White House today. That's what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up, starts looking around.
- New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey.
- A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway.
Conan
- Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about.
- The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication.
- I love the Grammys. It has songs I don't know performed by people I've never heard of.
- Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.
- Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine's Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.
- Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
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