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David Letterman
- The Yankees now have a new fragrance. It was just bound to happen because any time you walk into their clubhouse, you say "Oh wow, if someone could just bottle this."
- The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?
Craig Ferguson
- People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.
- Obama was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.
Jay Leno
- You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.
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