Good 'Late Nite' Jokes:

Jay Leno

• I think even President Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He's starting to downplay it. Like today he called it Bidencare.
• The Pope met with Fidel Castro yesterday. As you know, the Pope is the world's most recognized religious figure, not counting Tim Tebow.

Conan

• Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie "Schindler's List."

David Letterman

• Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn't want to return to his old life of panning for gold.
• Newt Gingrich is down to 12 staffers. The guy has more chins than that.

Jimmy Fallon

• A new poll found that President Obama’s approval rating is above 50 percent for the first time since last May. Obama made sure to thank the people who made that possible — Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul.
• This week in Ireland an elephant escaped from a circus and ended up at a mall. Fortunately, the elephant didn’t hurt anyone — but he did sit in one of those Brookstone massage chairs with no intention of buying it.

Gail Collins: Hoodies and Guns

Wayne LaPierre - Caricature (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

“Just because someone wears a hoodie does not make them a hoodlum,” Congressman Rush said, before he was hustled off for violating the rule against wearing hats on the House floor.

This is pretty much par for the course. Whenever there is a terrible shooting incident somewhere in America, our politicians talk about everything except whether the tragedy could have been avoided if the gunman had not been allowed to carry a firearm.

You would think that this would be a great time to address the question of handgun proliferation, but it has hardly come up in Washington at all. This is because most politicians are terrified of the National Rifle Association. Also, the small band of gun control advocates are busy with slightly less sweeping issues, such as their ongoing but still utterly futile effort to make it illegal to sell a weapon to anyone on the terror watch list. 

...

There is a serious trend toward states letting their residents carry concealed weapons with no more background check than you need to carry a concealed nutcracker. All of this is based on the gun rights lobby’s argument that the more armed law-abiding people we have on our streets, the safer everybody will be. Under this line of thinking, George Zimmerman’s gated community was safer because Zimmerman was driving around with his legal gun. You can bet that future Trayvon Martins who go to the store to buy Skittles after dark will seriously consider increasing their own safety by packing heat. The next confrontation along these lines may well involve a pair of legally armed individuals, legally responding to perceived, albeit nonexistent, threats by sending a bullet through somebody’s living room window and hitting a senior citizen watching the evening weather report.

The Violence Policy Center has a list of 11 police officers and 391 private citizens who have been killed over the last five years by people carrying concealed weapons for which they had a permit. That includes a man in Florida who killed four women, including his estranged wife, in a restaurant in 2010 and another Floridian who opened fire at Thanksgiving, killing four relatives.

Good 'Top Ten': This Is the Pilot

Lindbergh, Mahoney and M-1 (Photo credit: San Diego Air & Space Museum Archives)

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say

10. "Hey Lindbergh, get off my lap!"
9. "We'll be cruising at an altitude of 75 feet"
8. "Here's a little something I once tried at an air show"
7. "I love this airport — the terminals are the right height"
6. "Bring daddy a whiskey sour"
5. "Meow"
4. "We'll be arriving in Newark shortly"
3. "Help! I'm covered in ticks"
2. "Enjoy the in-flight movie, starring myself and the co-pilot's wife"
1. "If you turn your attention to the front of the airplane, you'll see me being hog-tied by an air marshal"

Good 'Late Night' Jokes: Ron Paul, Newt and Batman

Jimmy Fallon

• Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model. 






• This week a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini.

Jimmy Kimmel

• The International Olympic Committee decided that at the Summer Games in London this year, female beach volleyball players will no longer be required to wear bikinis. This is the saddest day in volleyball since Tom Hanks let Wilson float away. 
• Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States.

David Letterman

• They're so excited to see the Pope in Cuba. They raised a lot of money and bought him a brand-new 1955 Chrysler.
• Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.
• Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.

Conan

• A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashes than drunk people. Then again, it's easier to see what is coming when you're driving at 11 miles an hour.
• Newt Gingrich's campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.
• The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, "There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man date."
• In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry. It's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand.

Jay Leno

• The Pope visited Cuba yesterday and witnessed a miracle. Fidel Castro is still breathing.

Good 'Top Ten': Photo with Newt

Newt Gingrich at a political conference in Orlando, Florida. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

op Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich

10. How much have I paid for pictures with other guys named Newt?
9. Should I just photograph myself burning $50?
8. Do I look Newty enough?
7. Should I just get a free photo with some other guy who's not going to be president?
6. Do I have to touch him?
5. Is this how Newt met his three wives?
4. Seriously, have I lost my mind?
3. Does Newt have to be in the photo?
2. What would Rick Santorum think of this idea?
1. Will Rush Limbaugh think I'm a slut?

Oliphant: Supreme Court

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

Official White House Photo of U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• This weekend former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.
• Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries.

Conan

• This weekend former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.
• Rick Santorum said you aren't a real Republican until you've sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called The New York Times reception desk and said "Heck!"

Jimmy Fallon

• Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn't waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart.

Jimmy Kimmel

• Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament.
• Tiger's now a 4-1 favorite to win at The Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades, and hostesses at the Waffle House.

Oliphant: Man on the Moon

Frank Bruni: No Newt Diet

Callista Gingrich (Photo credit: Gage Skidmore)

It’s not easy letting him go. Not easy at all. Sort of like swearing off bedtime Ben & Jerry’s: there’s valor and the promise of self-improvement in the sacrifice, but also the sad awareness that the world just got a little less naughty. A little less fun.

No matter. It’s time to cut Newt out of our diets.

He has no nutritional value, certainly not at this point, as he peddles his ludicrous guarantee of $2.50-a-gallon gasoline, a promise that would be made only by someone with his own bottomless strategic reserve of crude. Doubly oily entendre intended.

There were calls for him to desist two weeks ago, after he lost Alabama, which abuts his home state of Georgia. But they fell on a deaf Newt.

There were fresh appeals last week, when he failed to wring even one measly delegate from Illinois on Tuesday and then Louisiana on Saturday. But Newt doesn’t need anything as prosaic as delegates, so long as there’s still pocket lint from Sheldon Adelson and the warmth of Callista’s frozen smile.

If he refuses to quit, we in the news media must quit him. Starve him of his very sustenance: attention. Exert a kind of willpower that we’ve lacked in this primary, which we turned into too much of a circus by encouraging too many clowns.

Related articles

• Newt Gingrich 'probably' won't quit (dailykos.com)

Oliphant: Stand Your Ground

Good 'Top Ten':

Jay Leno

• Peyton Manning has signed a $96 million deal to play for the Denver Broncos. How ironic is that? Tim Tebow's prayers to help the Broncos win are finally being answered.



Red Bull GmbH (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• The man who created the Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell.

Conan

• Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes.
• Looks like Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has been traded to the Jets. When told he was going to be spending the rest of his career in New Jersey, Tebow said, "There is no God."

David Letterman

• John McCain's daughter Meghan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I'm just glad John's not alive to see this.
• Here's what I like about Rod Blagojevich. If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. And then you have to get elected, and then you have to go to federal prison. It's just part of their tradition.

Jimmy Fallon

• This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell.
• It looks like Tim Tebow might be traded to the New York Jets — but apparently some Jets players are not happy about it. They're called wide receivers.

Top Ten: Questions Rarely Asked of a Car Salesman

Top Ten Questions People Rarely Ask Car Salesmen

10. How much for just the airbags?
9. May I see a picture of the navigation lady?
8. Which car goes best with a suspended license?
7. May I test drive naked?
6. Are you available to speak at Career Day?
5. May I return it next week after a state-wide crime spree?
4. What would Jesus drive?
3. May I watch while you undercoat my wife's car?
2. Could my dog ride comfortably on the roof?
1. Will you hold me while we dicker?

Nicholas D. Kristof: Ingredients of Liberal vs. Conservative

In recent years, there has been growing research into the roots of political ideologies, and they seem to go deep. Adults who consider themselves liberals were said decades earlier by their nursery-school teachers to be curious, verbal novelty seekers but not very neat or obedient.

Some research suggests that conservatives are particularly attuned to threats, with a greater startle reflex when they hear loud noises. Conservatives also secrete more skin moisture when they see disgusting images, such as a person eating worms. Liberals feel disgust, too, but a bit less.

Anything that prods us to think of disgust or cleanliness also seems to have at least a temporary effect on our politics. It pushes our sanctity buttons and makes us more conservative.

A University of Toronto study found that if people were asked to wash their hands with soap and water before filling out a questionnaire, they become more moralistic about issues like drug use and pornography. Researchers found that interviewees on Stanford’s campus offered harsher, more moralistic views after “fart spray” had been released in the area.

 

At Cornell University, students answered questions in more conservative ways when they were simply near a hand sanitizer station.

Our ideologies shape much more than our politics. We even seek pets who reflect our moral outlook. Researchers at YourMorals.org found that liberals prefer dogs who are gentle but not subservient, while conservatives seek dogs who are loyal and obedient.

In short, moral and political judgments are complex and contradictory, shaped by a panoply of values, personalities — maybe even smells.

Little of this is a conscious or intellectual process. Indeed, Haidt cites research that a higher I.Q. doesn’t lead people to think through their moral positions in a more balanced, open way (although they are more eloquent in defending those positions).

There’s even extensive research finding that professors of moral philosophy are no more moral than other scholars.

And do you know what kind of books are disproportionately stolen from libraries? Books on ethics.

Related articles

• Why liberals can't understand conservatives (blogs.telegraph.co.uk)

Gail Collins: The Poor Gun Lobby

History of handgun carry permit laws, 1986-present. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is nothing so dangerous as a lobbying organization that’s running out of stuff to lobby about.

I am thinking in particular of the National Rifle Association. These people are really in desperate straits. The state legislatures are almost all in session, but some of them have already pushed the gun-owner-rights issue about as far as it can go. You can only legalize carrying a concealed weapon in church once.

This year, in search of new worlds to conquer — or at least to arm — a couple of states are giving serious attention to bills that would allow gun owners to carry their concealed weapons in places like day-care centers and school buses.

People, do you think there is a loud public outcry for more guns on school buses? I truly believe that this is all the product of a desperate N.R.A., trying to show its base that there are still lots of new battles to be won. 

...

I am thinking that the best solution for all concerned would be a strict national gun-control law that makes it very difficult to get a concealed weapons permit, permits gun dealers to sell only one handgun per individual per year, and makes it illegal for even permit holders to keep handguns anywhere but their home, store or car glove compartment unless they are employed in the security business.

The N.R.A. would have a whole new lease on life, and the donations from the gun industry would come flooding in. Legislators in red states would be kept out of other mischief for a decade, while they devoted their entire careers to passing new gun-friendly laws. And it’s very possible that the purple states would find that they like the new order of things just fine. Everybody wins!

No need to thank me. It’s the least I could do for the school bus drivers.

Oliphant: Netanyahu

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoon: Putin

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jay Leno

• The Denver Broncos have signed Peyton Manning as their new quarterback. That means Tim Tebow may be traded. There's no telling where he'll end up — you know, like one of his passes.
• Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.
• The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is.
• This week the makers of Camel cigarettes said 10 percent of its workers would be eliminated by 2014 — especially if they keep smoking Camels.
• According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose him voters? If you're watching Fox News, you're probably not voting for him in the first place. 

Conan

• Disastrous news for Walt Disney. They've announced they've lost $200 million on the movie "John Carter." This doesn't bode well for Disney's upcoming $250 million epic, "Jimmy Carter."

Jimmy Fallon

• Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, "John Carter," about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars.
• “The Hunger Games" is expected to make $130 million at the box office this weekend. Experts say the movie has that one quality you look for in a film — it’s not about a Civil War soldier on Mars.

David Letterman

• Peyton Manning is signing with the Denver Broncos. Glad to see something good finally happen to somebody in that family.
• Peyton Manning will be the quarterback for the Denver Broncos, replacing Tim Tebow, their current quarterback. This answers the question, "What would Jesus do?" Well, he'd sign Peyton Manning.
• George Clooney was arrested. He was charged with reckless handsomeness.

Borowitz Report: Tough Election for Bigots

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – With a fall presidential contest between President Barack Obama and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney seeming increasingly likely, America’s bigots are finding themselves in a quandary over which candidate to support, prominent bigots confirmed today.

Across the U.S., voters who describe themselves as bigots are complaining that a first-ever matchup between a Black man and a Mormon, while historic, is forcing them to ask a difficult question: which group do they hate more?

“I’ve always seen myself as pretty versatile, bigotry-wise,” said Herb Torlinson, a hardware salesman from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. “But I guess this is going to be an election that really puts my different hates to the test.”

At the Clapboard Corner Café in Youngstown, Ohio, a group of bigots who gather for breakfast once a week to discuss their dislike of various racial and religious groups echoed Mr. Torlinson’s sentiments.

“I actually cried when Rick Perry dropped out of the race,” said David Colehurn, a disgruntled hater who works at a nearby Pep Boys. “He may be brain-damaged and all, but at least he’s White and Christian.”

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoon: Goldman Sachs

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoon: Romney

Good 'Top Ten': Singing

Top Ten Signs You're A Terrible Singer
10. Your CD is in a bin labeled "Crap for a Quarter"
9. You sing like the Mets play baseball
8. Amnesty International is begging you to stop
7. People who say that "You've got great pipes" are referring to your actual plumbing
6. Verse, chorus, wet cough, verse, chorus, hacking wet cough
5. A church choir tries to trade you to another church choir
4. Your album warning label reads: "Caution: Do Not Play"
3. Your neighbors always ask if you've been trying to breed cats
2. You're this guy (Mitt Romney singing)
1. Instead of iTunes, you're on iSuck

Good 'Late Night' Jokes: Tide

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Jay Leno

• Police across the country say there's been a spike in criminals stealing Tide laundry detergent. So I guess all those commercials that say it cleans blood stains are really paying off.
• If you steal Tide laundry detergent, would that be considered a white-collar crime?

Jimmy Kimmel

• There's a new study that shows the NCAA basketball tournament will drastically reduce workplace productivity in March. Five million workers will waste 90 minutes a day watching basketball and filling out brackets. Maybe we should export March Madness to China to slow them down a little.

Borowitz Report on Goldman Sachs

Image via Wikipedia

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The following letter to Goldman Sachs’ worldwide clients was issued today by Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein:

Dear Goldman Client:

By now, many of you have probably read the regrettable resignation letter published in today’s New York Times by former Goldman executive Greg Smith, explaining why he is leaving the firm after twelve years.

In the letter, in which he excoriates Goldman and his practices, Mr. Smith comes across as a man of conscience, ideals, and high moral standards.  And as you read his words, you no doubt asked yourself this troubling question: how could Goldman have hired such a person?

At Goldman, we pride ourselves on our ability to scour the world’s universities and business schools for the finest sociopaths money will buy.  Once in our internship program, these youths are subjected to rigorous evaluations to root out even the slightest evidence of a soul.  But, as the case of Mr. Smith shows, even the most time-tested system for detecting shreds of humanity can blow a gasket now and then.  For that, we can only offer you our deepest apology and the reassurance that one good apple won’t spoil the whole bunch.

Related articles

• Goldman Sachs Executive Quits, Calls Bank Morally Bankrupt (inquisitr.com)
• Goldman Sachs Called Clients "Muppets" (neatorama.com)

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

Cover of Rush Limbaugh

Jay Leno

• Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.
• Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday.

David Letterman

• How about that Rush Limbaugh? It was nice for me to see somebody else apologizing for something for a change.
• Don't kid yourself, Rush is in a lot of trouble. He's down to two national sponsors. You know what they are? One is Crisco, and the other is Hostess Twinkies.
• With daylight-saving time, we lose an hour of our lives. It's like a Kardashian marriage.
• Not only do I lose the hour when you monkey with the clock, I lose another hour trying to find the nail to put it back on the wall.

Jimmy Kimmel

• Larry King announced he'll be hosting a new daily talk show online. Really, the only place Larry should be online is for the early bird special at Golden Corral.

Good Quote from Thomas Paine

Good Pat Oliphant Editorial Cartoons

Good 'Top Ten': Snooki and Caesar

Mitt Romney - Caricature (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

Jimmy Kimmel

• I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think.
• According to multiple news sources, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is pregnant. Which is unusual. They don't usually mate in captivity.

David Letterman

• They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water.

Conan

• Mitt Romney won a squeaker in Michigan last night. Today in Detroit he asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people pointed out that they live in Detroit and he's Mitt Romney.

Jay Leno

• Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie.
• Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven't seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill.
• I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that the Electoral College is not for everyone.
• Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney's wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac.

Good 'Top Ten': Michigan Trees

Tree - leaf canopy (Photo credit: blmiers2)

Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan's Trees

10. "I seem less wooden standing next to one"
9. "In a pinch, sap makes a great hair gel"
8. "They're also just the right width"
7. "It's fun hiring illegal immigrants to rake up their leaves"
6. "They're not gay, like palm trees"
5. "They don't shed their foliage as quickly as those slutty Rhode Island trees"
4. "They look great next to my wife's Cadillacs"
3. "Trees don't whine when strapped to your car roof"
2. "They're not afraid to stand up to the auto industry"
1. "Like me, they lean whichever way the wind blows"

Related articles

• WATCH: Letterman Mocks Bizarre Romney Remarks (huffingtonpost.com)