Well...it's something

"Young bull moose visits downtown Bismarck and state Capitol"

Local says, "Most interesting thing to happen here, for like...ever!"

Pumpkin crasher

"Dad squashes son's giant pumpkin record with 2,261-pounder"

'The old man always enjoys stomping on my dreams,' son says

Do not doughnut

"Police: Doughnut heist leads to capture of wanted man"

Desperado's bear claw jones cascades into his undoing

Wild Thing

"102-year-old woman gets arrested so she can cross it off her bucket list"

Claims it's taken 10 years 'raising hell' on her Rascal to get the cops' attention

Bring in the clowns

"Police: Woman late for work lies about clown attacking her"

'When in doubt,' police chief says, 'they always blame a clown'

Stop the insanity

"Man charged with wearing clear plastic wrap bikini on beach"

Cling Wrap aficionados say crime 'monstrous' on so many levels

Darkness visible

"This Weird Galaxy Is Actually 99.99 Percent Dark Matter"

'Too conservative," some scientists say, 'considering current politics'

They're everywhere!

"Michigan quintuplets work first jobs together at McDonald's"

Stoner with munchies freaks thinking it's an alien invasion

The scoop

"‘Dizzy’ the monkey still on the loose in Springfield zoo"

'Ditzy' the animal keeper is on shovel detail, yet again

 

Cobbed

"Man charged with shooting corncobs at neighbor's house"

'It's not so funny when it happens to you,' cob victim warns

Who could decide?

"Oregon fair generates buzz with 1st legal pot display in US"

Judges admit being too mellow to finish awarding blue ribbons

 

A lemon

"Man gives phony $50 bill to girl's charity lemonade stand"

Culprit referred to as 'nice guy until you get to know him'

On a mission

"Sexploits of Diego the Tortoise save Galapagos species"

'You wouldn't think it,' zookeeper says, 'but Diego gets around pretty fast'

You can be one, too

"Guggenheim Museum Invites Viewers to Use 18-Karat Gold Toilet"

Chance to sit yours down just like the biggest one sits his down

One Mississippi

"Study: Five-second rule is too generous for fallen food"

Even if food could bounce back onto plate, it would be too long

Another Benghazi

"Diagnosed with pneumonia, Clinton falls ill at 9/11 memorial"

'Scandalous!" say top Republicans. 'Congress needs to investigate'

He went to pot

"Oregon man finds portable toilet filled with pot"

Goes in for a whiz, comes out with a buzz

Lone Stranger

"Police: Masked man was sleeping in vehicle he'd broken into"

Inevitably, neighbors asked each other, 'Who was that masked man?'

H2O + hops

"University of Southern Maine to Use Beer to Help Students Learn Chemistry"

Some doubt the educational value but all admit the classes will be well attended

A good kid with a gun

Slam bang

"Dick Van Dyke sings 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' at Denny's"

'Seemed kinda high,' manager says, 'so we doubled up his Grand Slam'

Party crasher

"Police: Nude stranger falls through patio roof onto barbecue"

Told cops he never gets invited to anything, and now we know why

No, I am Batman

"Cops: Man in Batman costume, Captain America mask stole beer"

Diagnosed as ethically challenged, thirsty schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur

Skinny-crashing

"Man strips, drives pickup into Southwest plane in Nebraska"

Police acknowledge it was a hot night, but otherwise unsympathetic

Next year sold out

"Women bare breasts for gender equality on GoTopless Day"

Consensus among male spectators was overwhelmingly positive

Oh, Canada

"1,500 People on Inflatable Rafts Returned to U.S. From Canada"

Americans panicked when they heard false rumor Trump leading polls

Let me show you around

"Austrian collects 10 million beer bottle caps"

'It's not as much fun as you would think,' he admits

Not in the moo-ed

"Cops in Maine shoot, kill escaped slaughterhouse-bound cow"

Made a break for it when she heard no mooing on the other side

Feeling fizzy

"Police arrest 5 accused of stealing $4,700 in energy drinks"

'Let me tell you,' says cop, 'those guys weren't easy to catch'

Donald's no David

"Naked Donald Trump Statues Pop Up in Cities Across the U.S."

For many discriminating viewers, it finally reveals his best side

Bees, please

"Bees escape in Wal-Mart parking lot, sting several people"

Manager cautions shoppers to wait to unwrap their bees at home

Ho, ho, hoofs

"Alaska restaurant serving elk fined for calling it reindeer"

Santa's Bar & Grill featured popular "Blixen with all the fixin's"

News Update: Oedipus Rex

 

“Oregon man sentenced to prison for beheading mother's cat”

Psychologist says it's a textbook case with Oedipal ramifications

I wonder....

On the Interstate the other day I saw this sign, "If you die tonight will you go to Heaven or Hell?" I wonder if some people might enjoy, at least a little, thinking others will go to some kind of fiery hell for not believing the way they do.

News Update: Double burial

"NY may allow pet owners to be buried with their furry pals"

Family conundrum may arise when owner dies before the pet

News Update: Honeymoon for one

"Husband honeymoons alone after wife loses passport"

'It's one of those for better or worse moments for us,' he says

News Update: Good ol' mom

”Indiana mayor re-elected by 1 vote after ballot challenge”

‘Mother was wavering,’ mayor says, ‘but she came through again’

News Update: Reggae ukulele

"Ukulele player gets legal break to perform with reggae star"

Until decision, playing ukulele while smoking pot illegal in Jamaica

News Update: It's snot leaving

"Once labeled invasive, 'rock snot' algae now deemed native"

Environmental Protection Agency says snot's here to stay

News Update: Lawnmower DUI

"Police: Man accused of driving under influence on lawnmower"

'We jumped into action,' says chief, 'when he went for the neighbor lady's zinnias'

News Update: Going home

"Woman pleads guilty to robbery, says prison is like home"

Tough to beat three squares, like-minded roomy, cot and a pot

News Update: Not who but where

"Who Is the Secret Donor Randomly Leaving $100 Bills for Strangers?"

Yes, who is he? And not only who, but where is he right now?

News Updates

"New York City moves forward with plan for deer vasectomies"

Meanwhile, deer instinctively infer that NYC is too edgy for them

"Room of pot goes up in smoke in fire at home on High Street"

(No further ironic twist necessary)

News Updates

"Man out to see sunrise drifts miles away on piece of plywood"
Others find just standing on the shore a better frigging bet

"It's so hot in New York that manure is bursting into flames"
While in other parts of the country, it's turning into political comments

News Update

"Bear that walks like a human re-emerges in New Jersey"

Now out of luck with the Donald, Christie skulked back home

Behind the Headlines: Boxed

"Teen hospitalized with dehydration after 4-day Xbox marathon"

Concerned mother contemplates IV's to avoid troublesome recurrences

Behind the Headlines: Gator Bait

"Fla. boater arrested for feeding gator that bit off his hand"

'We've got a Stupid Law in this state,' sheriff says, 'and he's a violator'

Behind the Headlines: Whopped

"Mirrors can make unhealthy foods less tasty"

No one can watch himself eat a Whopper and enjoy it

Behind the Headlines: Basted

"Togo women call sex strike to force president's resignation"

Political analysts all agree: 'That guy's goose is cooked'