Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Nicholas D. Kristof on North Korea
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| Image via Wikipedia |
"The most surprising thing I found was The Loudspeaker affixed to a wall in each home. The Loudspeaker is like a radio but without a dial or off switch. In the morning, it awakens the household with propaganda. (In his first golf outing, Comrade Kim Jong-il shoots five holes-in-one!) It blares like that all day.
"The Loudspeaker underscores that North Korea is not just another dictatorship but, perhaps, the most totalitarian country ever. Stalin and Mao were murderous but low-tech; the Kim family added complex systems of repression.
"Anyone disabled is considered an eyesore, for example. So people with disabilities are often expelled from the capital, Pyongyang.
"Government propaganda is shameless. During a famine, North Korean news media warned starving citizens against overeating by recounting the cautionary tale of a man who ate his fill, and then exploded.
"Once in North Korea, I stopped in a rural area to interview two high school girls at random. They were friendly, if startled. So was I when they started speaking simultaneously and repeating political lines in perfect unison. They could have been robots.
"When videos (of movies, music or religion) began to be smuggled in from China, police began to turn off the power to entire buildings. Then the police would go door to door and examine what video was stuck inside players. A smuggled tape could mean the dispatch of an entire family to a labor camp."
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Maureen Dowd on Newt Gingrich
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| Image via Wikipedia |
"On his Web site Tuesday, he urgently vowed to establish a White House commission “On Day One” of his presidency (heaven forefend) “to examine and document threats or impediments to religious freedom in the United States.” Watching his numbers falling in Iowa, he doubled down on his unconstitutional assault on “activist judges,” saying he would investigate “the extent to which courts throughout the U.S. are undermining the First Amendment and misconstruing the historical basis for religious freedom in America.”
"His latest manifesto, which should have been addressed “Dear Iowa Fundamentalist Caucus-goers,” states: “As litigants demand that courts and judges intervene to create new ‘rights’ out of whole cloth, such litigants and their supporters seek to limit the freedom of others to express their deeply held religious commitments to, for example, the value of every human life and to marriage as between one man and one woman."
....
"For anyone who grew up with relatives who could never get annulments even when their spouses abandoned them after a brief time, it was galling to see Gingrich — who divorced twice to marry younger mistresses, and who left his wives when they were sick — be celebrated at a conversion Mass by Washington’s church hierarchy at St. Joseph’s on Capitol Hill, where Robert Kennedy attended Mass daily when he served in the Senate."
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Good 'Late Night' Jokes
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| Image via Wikipedia |
- The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?
- North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il.
- When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, "I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap."
- During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February.
- A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.
- As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.--Jay Leno
- Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you.”--David Letterman
- Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill.--Jimmy Fallon
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Good 'Late Night' Jokes
- Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party.
- Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month.
- According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That's up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones.--Jay Leno
- Pippa Middleton made the list of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People. Who could be more fascinating than someone who's the sister of someone who married someone who's famous for just being born?
- Some people are objecting to Donald Trump being included in the list. Not me. I'm glad someone is finally giving Trump a forum so he can express himself and get some attention.
- Barbara has been doing these specials for a long time. The first time she hosted, the No. 1 most fascinating person was Socrates.--Craig Ferguson
- On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, “I am also not a fan of gay milk.”
- Customers are complaining that Amazon’s new Kindle Fire is too hard to use if you have fat fingers. In response, Amazon released another version called the Kindle Deep Dish.--Conan
- Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich “zany.” If they are taking a good look at Newt, honestly, one word comes to mind and it's “zany?”
- Here's why American voters are turning to Ron Paul. A team of doctors has determined that Ron Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal.--David Letterman
- Barbara Walters named her 10 most fascinating people of the year last night here on ABC. The list included the Kardashian family, Donald Trump, Simon Cowell and Katy Perry. Is that a list of the most fascinating people or a list of the reasons the terrorists hate us?
- In Sioux City, Iowa, there was another debate between the seven Republicans running for president. All your favorites were there: Grumpy, Dopey, the other Dopey, Romney, Bashful, another Dopey, and Happy.
- This was the 427th of 2,000 debates to be held between now and when President Obama is re-elected.
- There are so many debates. For a group of people who don't want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot.--Jimmy Kimmel
Gail Collins on Mitt Romney
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| Image via Wikipedia |
"Romney was in town to raise money. Iowa and New Hampshire get the love; we get the traffic jams. ’Twas ever thus. We’re not bitter, really.
"However, he did sit down with The Times’s Jeff Zeleny and Ashley Parker to compare himself to Newt Gingrich. (The above-the-fray Mitt is so November.) “Zany is not what we need in a president,” he said.
"I would say this is an extremely safe position for Romney to take because the odds are very good that no one has ever called Mitt zany in his entire life. Unless it was when he drove to Canada with the family dog strapped to the roof of the station wagon. (“Hey, Mister, you got an Irish setter on top of your car. What are you, zany or something?”)"
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Maureen Dowd on Newt Gingrich
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| Image via Wikipedia |
"He would marry his high school geometry teacher. And he would save Western civilization.
"Gingrich has moved on to younger wives. But he’s still obsessed with numbers and rescuing the planet.
"In 1994, he described himself to me as “a conservative futurist,” which seems like an oxymoron. The man George Will once called a “cherub with a chip on his shoulder” finds the future simultaneously apocalyptic and massively fun.
"You can picture President Gingrich on his first day in the Oval Office, emanating an impish doomsday aura of “Let’s see what happens if we press this button!”
"In his own feverish, gee-whiz imagination, Newt is both the arsonist and the fireman."
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Good 'Late Night' Jokes
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| Image via Wikipedia |
- Rick Perry said there were eight Supreme Court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on "Dancing With the Stars."
- In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know.
- Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney.--Jay Leno
- According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. Yeah, these people are known as men.
- Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that. --Conan
- Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen. She's missing cash, passports, and three stolen necklaces.
- Lindsay Lohan has been in rehab so many times the cafeteria named a sandwich after her.
- A woman was making meth in a Wal-Mart. But you know, it's nice to know that something in Wal-Mart is made in America.
- Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails. --David Letterman
- Donald Trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up.
- This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages? --Jimmy Kimmel
Friday, December 9, 2011
Good 'Late Night' Jokes
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| Cover of Jay Leno |
I'm not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he'd do about the West Bank, he said he’d bring back free checking.
There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam.
According to a recent report by CBS sports, the average Major League baseball player now makes just over $3 million a year. Or as the Yankees like to call them, “the 99 percenters.” --Jay Leno
Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts. --David Letterman
An executive from the E! Network has stated that there could be as many as four new Kardashian spinoff shows. He then added, “Unless our demands are met.” --Conan
Inductees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is just like the Baseball Hall of Fame, but with less drug use. And more Satan.--Craig Ferguson
Krugman on "Wall Street," the movie
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| Cover of Wall Street (20th Anniversary Edition) |
Monday, December 5, 2011
Paul Krugman on how Republicans have painted themselves into a corner
"Think about what it takes to be a viable Republican candidate today. You
have to denounce Big Government and high taxes without alienating the
older voters who were the key to G.O.P. victories last year — and who,
even as they declare their hatred of government, will balk at any hint
of cuts to Social Security and Medicare (death panels!).
"And you also have to denounce President Obama, who enacted a Republican-designed health reform and killed Osama bin Laden, as a radical socialist who is undermining American security.
"So what kind of politician can meet these basic G.O.P. requirements? There are only two ways to make the cut: to be totally cynical or to be totally clueless.
"And you also have to denounce President Obama, who enacted a Republican-designed health reform and killed Osama bin Laden, as a radical socialist who is undermining American security.
"So what kind of politician can meet these basic G.O.P. requirements? There are only two ways to make the cut: to be totally cynical or to be totally clueless.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
More Maureen Dowd on Newt Gingrich
"NEWT GINGRICH’S mind is in love with itself.
"It has persuaded itself that it is brilliant when it is merely promiscuous. This is not a serious mind. Gingrich is not, to put it mildly, a systematic thinker.
"His mind is a jumble, an amateurish mess lacking impulse control. He plays air guitar with ideas, producing air ideas. He ejaculates concepts, notions and theories that are as inconsistent as his behavior.
"He didn’t get whiplash being a serial adulterer while impeaching another serial adulterer, a lobbyist for Freddie Mac while attacking Freddie Mac, a self-professed fiscal conservative with a whopping Tiffany’s credit line, and an anti-Communist Army brat who supported the Vietnam War but dodged it."
"It has persuaded itself that it is brilliant when it is merely promiscuous. This is not a serious mind. Gingrich is not, to put it mildly, a systematic thinker.
"His mind is a jumble, an amateurish mess lacking impulse control. He plays air guitar with ideas, producing air ideas. He ejaculates concepts, notions and theories that are as inconsistent as his behavior.
"He didn’t get whiplash being a serial adulterer while impeaching another serial adulterer, a lobbyist for Freddie Mac while attacking Freddie Mac, a self-professed fiscal conservative with a whopping Tiffany’s credit line, and an anti-Communist Army brat who supported the Vietnam War but dodged it."
Saturday, December 3, 2011
I ain't no stinking lobbyist
After all, you have to be registered. Besides, he doesn't need it, he's a celebrity.
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Indecision 2012 - Newt Gingrich Denies Lobbying | ||||
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Mitt Romney's three laughing monkeys campaign
Romney's strategy is to see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing and then laugh through the pain of it all. The Colbert Report skewers the ridiculous Foxness of it all:
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Mitt Romney Gets Testy | ||||
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Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Maureen Dowd on Newt Gingrich
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| Image by DonkeyHotey via Flickr |
"As one commentator astutely noted, Gingrich is a historian and a futurist who can’t seem to handle the present. He has more exploding cigars in his pocket than the president with whom he had the volatile bromance: Bill Clinton.
"But next to Romney, Gingrich seems authentic. Next to Herman Cain, Gingrich seems faithful. Next to Jon Huntsman, Gingrich seems conservative. Next to Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry, Gingrich actually does look like an intellectual. Unlike the governor of Texas, he surely knows the voting age. To paraphrase Raymond Chandler, if brains were elastic, Perry wouldn’t have enough to make suspenders for a parakeet."
Good 'Late Night' Jokes
I went back to Boston to visit my family for Thanksgiving, and I cannot
tell you how good it is to be back in a room full of total strangers.--Conan
I don’t think it’s healthy how the holiday sales start on Thanksgiving night. You shouldn’t spend Thanksgiving night in stores fighting with strangers. You should be at home, fighting with your family.--Craig Ferguson
I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy
named “Jihad.” Or as the TSA put it, “Hope you like Amtrak!”--Jimmy Fallon
The number of households that own a television set is down for the first time since they started the survey. This is America! The only excuse for not having a TV in your home is, you're too fat to fit into Best Buy to get one.--Jimmy Kimmel
I don’t think it’s healthy how the holiday sales start on Thanksgiving night. You shouldn’t spend Thanksgiving night in stores fighting with strangers. You should be at home, fighting with your family.--Craig Ferguson
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The number of households that own a television set is down for the first time since they started the survey. This is America! The only excuse for not having a TV in your home is, you're too fat to fit into Best Buy to get one.--Jimmy Kimmel
Sunday, November 27, 2011
PERSONAL FAVORITES: Five Bullets
By Tobin Barnes
Here’s the stuff of nightmares:
Guy wakes up in excruciating pain.
The source?
Medical examiners are beginning an autopsy.
That’s right, on him.
So says a Reuters news story from Caracas, Venezuela. Maybe you’ve read it.
“Carlos Camejo, 33, was declared dead after a highway accident and taken to the morgue, where examiners began an autopsy only to realize something was amiss when he started bleeding.”
Amiss? Man, we’re talking “Twilight Zone” on crack.
“I woke up because the pain was unbearable,” Camejo said.
Yeah, a live autopsy could be brutal.
They moved him out into the corridor and that’s where his grieving wife found him.
Weird, huh?
So I’m thinking, hey, if anyone thinks I’m dead, pump about five bullets into me to make sure, okay. I’ll forgo any remote chances of a miraculous recovery to avoid waking up in a morgue refrigerator or cremation unit.
And I’m not the only one.
Back in the days before embalming, people used to freak at the idea of being buried alive. I’ve read how some people gave explicit directions that their hearts should be removed from their bodies after death to avoid the issue altogether.
I’ve also run across some urban legend-type stuff that you may or may not want to take with a grain of salt.
No, upon second reading, better take the salt.
According to London trivia expert Sam Bali, gravesites were reused in old England because of lack of space. They’d dig up coffins, take the bones out and compactly put them in a “bone-house,” then use the grave again. On the lids of one out of twenty-five coffins, he says, they found scratch marks of people trying to get out.
Uh huh.
Bali says they realized they’d been mistakenly burying people alive.
Yowsa!
So they came up with contraptions to avoid such a calamity, like tying a string to the supposed corpse’s wrist that led up through the ground to a bell. Whence comes our oft-used “saved by the bell” and “dead ringer.”
People paid to spend nights listening for the bell (or presumably “bells” on busy nights) were working “the graveyard shift.”
Trivialist Bali says that the origins of a “wake” are not far removed. And that the period between perceived death and burial was spent with people gathered around the body eating and drinking and waiting for the off-chance that the deceased wasn’t really dead.
Upon further investigation, however, I found that the word maven at word-detective.com thinks that’s just a bunch of hooey--that no one really expected the body to wake up at a “wake.”
Maybe the “dead ringer” stuff is just a bunch of hooey, too. Lot of hooey out there, as you well know.
But they’re good stories, nonetheless.
Creepy.
Kind of stuff that makes me want to have someone pump maybe five bullets in me before they call the undertaker. And if I don’t bleed, we’re good to go.
Tobin’s website: http://tobin-barnes.blogspot.com
Here’s the stuff of nightmares:
Guy wakes up in excruciating pain.
The source?
Medical examiners are beginning an autopsy.
That’s right, on him.
So says a Reuters news story from Caracas, Venezuela. Maybe you’ve read it.
“Carlos Camejo, 33, was declared dead after a highway accident and taken to the morgue, where examiners began an autopsy only to realize something was amiss when he started bleeding.”
Amiss? Man, we’re talking “Twilight Zone” on crack.
“I woke up because the pain was unbearable,” Camejo said.
Yeah, a live autopsy could be brutal.
They moved him out into the corridor and that’s where his grieving wife found him.
Weird, huh?
So I’m thinking, hey, if anyone thinks I’m dead, pump about five bullets into me to make sure, okay. I’ll forgo any remote chances of a miraculous recovery to avoid waking up in a morgue refrigerator or cremation unit.
And I’m not the only one.
Back in the days before embalming, people used to freak at the idea of being buried alive. I’ve read how some people gave explicit directions that their hearts should be removed from their bodies after death to avoid the issue altogether.
I’ve also run across some urban legend-type stuff that you may or may not want to take with a grain of salt.
No, upon second reading, better take the salt.
According to London trivia expert Sam Bali, gravesites were reused in old England because of lack of space. They’d dig up coffins, take the bones out and compactly put them in a “bone-house,” then use the grave again. On the lids of one out of twenty-five coffins, he says, they found scratch marks of people trying to get out.
Uh huh.
Bali says they realized they’d been mistakenly burying people alive.
Yowsa!
So they came up with contraptions to avoid such a calamity, like tying a string to the supposed corpse’s wrist that led up through the ground to a bell. Whence comes our oft-used “saved by the bell” and “dead ringer.”
People paid to spend nights listening for the bell (or presumably “bells” on busy nights) were working “the graveyard shift.”
Trivialist Bali says that the origins of a “wake” are not far removed. And that the period between perceived death and burial was spent with people gathered around the body eating and drinking and waiting for the off-chance that the deceased wasn’t really dead.
Upon further investigation, however, I found that the word maven at word-detective.com thinks that’s just a bunch of hooey--that no one really expected the body to wake up at a “wake.”
Maybe the “dead ringer” stuff is just a bunch of hooey, too. Lot of hooey out there, as you well know.
But they’re good stories, nonetheless.
Creepy.
Kind of stuff that makes me want to have someone pump maybe five bullets in me before they call the undertaker. And if I don’t bleed, we’re good to go.
Tobin’s website: http://tobin-barnes.blogspot.com
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
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