"April 29, 2006 at the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner, President Bush invited a Bush impersonator named Steve Bridges to share the dais with him. The premise was that the impersonator was interpreting Bush's words with what he really meant. A 20-second sound and video bite hit the newscasts, but this is the whole enchilada." (Sent in by Roy Wilson)
http://video.google.com:80/videoplay?docid=-1921276117304287501&q=genre:
Sunday, March 11, 2007
COLUMN: Juggling on down the Road
By Tobin Barnes
As I write--and I mean exactly that--I am making the great trek across the plains of South Dakota.
Again.
I was back to see relatives east river and am now headed west river. Have made this trip well over a hundred times.
Uh huh, thank you. I appreciate your sympathy.
But though the wounds are indeed grievous, they are all self-inflicted. It’s the price paid for having been born and raised in eastern SoDak and then discovering life somewhere over the rainbow in the hills.
Lo, through the years, the veritable inches, feet, and yards of grassland in between have become painfully etched in my mind. I have become all-too-well acquainted with certain hillocks, the odd tree in the odd dry wash, and even some fence posts. They all know me, and I, alas, know them.
Nevertheless, it’s an uneasy relationship I have with these landmarks. They sadly sense, I think, my haste to be beyond them.
Ah yes, thoughts of the traveler recorded stream of consciousness style via a laptop plugged into a cigarette lighter through an adapter. I am now officially a scribe of the modern age. What a wonder, huh?
Not only am I getting from place to place, but I’m doing it without the mindless, zombie-like stupor of mile after mile of pretty much the same. (Tourism office representatives would strenuously disagree, of course, but the rest of us native South Dakotans readily admit it. Only the most starry-eyed of plains poets could cover the distance in between with any semblance of delight.)
Oh, and before I go any further, I should tell you that I’m NOT driving AND writing, though some workaholics might make that assumption. No, my wife is handling the car. So rest assured, my manic need to communicate has not yet gone quite that far.
However, I’m not putting such a mind-boggling juxtaposition of tasks past others,.
You’ve gotta know there’s quite a few A-types out there who’d like nothing better than to be noodling through their sales figures or list of contacts while flying along at seventy-five miles per hour. Heck, that might even be happening in the next car up the road.
Yeah, look. See that guy. He just swerved. Could very well be. Maybe not on a laptop, though that’s within the realm, but certainly on a cell phone.
It’s called multi-tasking. People pride themselves in it.
They’re fending off wasted time behind the wheel while accomplishing something else. Merely transporting themselves from one place to another has never been enough. More needs to be done.
It started with food. After all, who can’t drive one hand on the wheel, the other on a Big Mac with wad of burger in the mouth? Ketchuppy pickles end up on the lap, but what the hey. We’re making time.
So let’s try makeup. Not me, necessarily, but maybe you. The random pothole while applying lipstick might add an inconvenient sneer to the day, but gees, it’s progress.
Now, let’s give Aunt Marge a call. See what she’s doing. You end up laughing and carrying on so much you hardly hear the people honking.
Maybe text messaging would be better. Look at the road, punch in a letter, look at the road, punch in a letter: “W-H-A-T C-H-A D-O-I-N-G?”
“NOT MUCH. HOW BOUT CHU?”
“N-O-T M-U-C-H”
Next thing you know, you look over at the other car, and some clown in the passenger seat’s typing out his column on a laptop.
What an idiot! Should be watching the road, looking around, getting to know the hillocks and the odd tree.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
COLUMN: Women Incubating Next Great Plague?
By Tobin Barnes
I’ve always held women in high esteem.
Average man vs. average woman? No contest.
Women have always epitomized for me what’s right with the world. If anything, my problem’s been putting women too high up on a pedestal, and that’s not necessarily good. Heck, who wants to be an idealized statue?
But I’ve got to admit that my opinions have recently been shaken. And all it took to revise my decades-old way of thinking was an article in USA Today, titled “Who’s dirtier, men or women?”
Of course, on first notice of such an article, the no-brainer choice has got to be men. As we all have, I’ve encountered some dirty, smelly, disgusting men in my day. If this weren’t a family newspaper with high standards, I’d go into specifics. Nevertheless, dear reader, your own unappetizing encounters with certain males of even limited acquaintance will surely suffice for plenty of examples of my point.
And it’s not just bodily uncleanliness we’re talking about. Think of the pig sties men will live in if given their druthers, perhaps myself included during some of my more disorderly bachelor days.
All that being established, you’ve got to know, as I knew, that with a headline like “Who’s dirtier, men or women?” the shocking answer has got to be...women.
So how’s that possible, knowing the sexes as we do?
First off, according to a new research report, our office desks are busy blooming much more bacteria than the office lavatory. The article says that “the average office desktop has 400 times more bacteria than the average office toilet seat.”
That’s right, we’re slaving away in a cesspool, most assuredly of our own making. Secondly, women’s office cesspools are swarming with more unwanted life than men’s.
“Women have three to four times the number of bacteria in, on and around their desks, phones, computers, keyboards, drawers and personal items as men do,” the study by University of Arizona professor Charles Gerba showed. That’s information gleaned by Gerba’s analysis of 100 offices on the Arizona campus.
Like us, Gerba began his study with the assumption that men’s work spaces, unkempt hogs that we are, would be germier than women’s. And on the surface, women’s desks appear neater and cleaner, despite all the knick-knacks typical of feminine environs, but get out the microscope and there’s a minefield of contagious critters.
That’s because “women have more interactions with small children and keep food in their desks,” Gerba says. “The other problem is makeup.”
Evidently, cosmetics and lotions are “prime germ-transfer agents.” And “Makeup cases also make for fine germ homes, along with phones, purses and desk drawers.”
I guess it’s a good thing men prefer to present themselves au naturale. Seems we instinctively knew that all that primping wasn’t healthy.
And how about all that food squirreled away in the desk? Gerba discovered that 75% of women are quietly stashing munchies, a major source of bacterial growth.
“I was really surprised how much food there was in a woman’s desk,” he said. “If there’s ever a famine, that’s the first place I’ll look for food.”
On the other hand, a man’s bacteria magnet is his wallet. Oh yeah, it’s those bloated toads we’ve carried around for decades that once resembled fine grained leather. They’re busily housing the next great plague.
“It’s in your back pocket where it’s nice and warm, it’s a great incubator for bacteria,” Gerba says. That’s right. Our backsides are not only often unattractive, they are assiduously hatching our demise.
The solution? Gerba advises regular use of a hand sanitizer to mop up desk tops and adjacent surfaces. That’ll cut down the bacteria scourge by 25%.
Well, sounds good, I guess.
But you think men are going to be sanitizing much for only a 25% improvement? Not bloody likely when they’ll still probably be cleaner than the merry maid next desk over.
Classes for Men
Jeannie thought this was funny, but I don't get it. (Sent in by Pam Gillespie.)
SPRING CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By March 10th 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin March 12, 2007
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
SPRING CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By March 10th 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin March 12, 2007
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Answers in the Style of...Take Your Pick
Just ran across this. Don't know the origins (from somewhere in cyberspace), but I couldn't help but post it:
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Mohammed Aldouri (Iraqi ambassador): The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Agent Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Friday, March 2, 2007
Competition? Not Really a Fight, It's a Beating
Recently, I posted a link to a Rapid City Journal story about how nurses at Rapid City Regional feel about their crocs and quite a few other things. This Journal story (below) is about how people feel as to higher teachers' salaries that can be found a few miles away in Wyoming. Once again, the comments tell as much or more as the original story. Scroll down after the story.
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The Idyllic Little Town of Seaside
Jeannie and I have visited this newly quaint planned community on the Florida panhandle not far from Destin. Got out, walked around the neighborhoods--nice. The architecture of each house echoes the houses next to it, but there's enough differentiation in each design to keep the whole place interesting. Some of the houses are directly on the white sandy beaches which are a major draw for the area. A neighboring planned community, called Watercolor (if I remember correctly) is built adjacent to Seaside. You can buy or you can rent, though both would be fairly expensive.
clipped from www.slate.com
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