Sunday, June 8, 2008

COLUMN: Bring It On

By Tobin Barnes
It’s been raining forty days and forty nights.

Or anyway, seems like it. Yeah, almost Biblical.

Some around here could have used an ark lately. Soon as it starts raining toads, we’ll know the end is near. Amen.

Course, we needed the rain.

Badly.

Been parching through seven-eight years of drought. Even the yuccas were dying.

Now it’s all over. Like big time. Like, there goes a whale.

Up here in SoDak, we never get enough of anything. It’s always too much or too little.

We’re blessed that way.

Almost happy about it. We know it builds character. And we love character.

We get down on our knees every night and pray for adversity so we might learn to become better people.

It works. Our prayers are always answered. Hallelujah!

Live a cream puff life, you turn into a cream puff. Little trouble comes along, puff, there you go. Can’t hack it.

Live a hard scrabble life, you turn into hard scrabble. Become like gravel. Little trouble comes along, heck, it’s just a little more trouble.

Been there, done that.

While other parts of the nation worry that the country’s slipping into a recession, SoDakers rest easy. No sweat.

“What, me worry?”

Yeah, we’re like Alfred E. Neuman that way. And just as goofy when you think about it.

Heck, we’re always in a recession compared to everybody else. Used to it. Take it for granted. Oooo, almost feels good, you know?

So when others experience an economic downturn, we just welcome them to the neighborhood. Come on up here on the porch, buddy. Let’s discuss it. Cry about it maybe.

We know their pain.

Feel the burn, we say. We know they’ll be better people for it. With a little adversity, might return to their down-home values.

Be more like us. We think we never left them.

Dealing with adversity, you just gotta have down-home values.

Then, sooner or later, when those other parts of the country recover and have prosperity again, we stay right there in our recession. Don’t budge.

But that’s okay. We’re used to it. Almost happy about it.

We take satisfaction knowing those prosperous parts will lose some character without all that economic adversity.

On the other hand, shoot! We’ve got character in spades. (Characters, too.)

Gotta admit, though. Doesn’t seem to bother those other parts of the country. They seem content with their prosperity when they get it.

Just don’t know what they’re missing, I guess.

Whoops.

Looks like it’s going to rain again.

Certainly don’t need it, but we’re going to get it.

Always too much or too little around here. Never enough.

That’s okay. We’re used to it.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Good as Anything

Home Alone

READ FIRST:

These people were always finding water all over their pool deck and furniture every time they came home, after being away for a few hours. They thought the neighborhood kids were watching for them to leave, and using the pool.

However, they could never catch them doing it. So, they set up their video cam and left. This is what they found out.



(Sent by Tom Cooley)

Sunday, June 1, 2008

COLUMN: It Can Be Lonely Out Here

By Tobin Barnes
We voted a week early.

Yup. We took part in the last of the state Presidential primaries of the season.

Voting absentee, we avoided the lines on election day. We’ve voted early before. It’s the smart thing to do. I highly recommend it.

Course, by voting early, you might miss some late-breaking bombshell that might change your mind, but I doubt it.

Whatever, we got the job done.

And sure enough, we cancelled each other out, just like I figured--which isn’t such a smart thing to do.

I imagine splitting the household franchise makes taking the time to vote seem fairly ridiculous. Oh sure, we did our patriotic duty and cast our ballots the way we should as good Americans, but it’s like we didn’t vote at all. Net result, zero for anybody.

There was nothing else on our Democratic ballot. It was just Obama vs. Clinton.

Republicans had all kinds of local office primary choices to make. They’ve got options.

Not us local Democrats. That’s because we’re a distinct minority.

Around here in western SoDak, Democrats seem scarce as hens’ teeth, so we hardly ever get to vote in a primary that makes a difference. Pretty much lucky just to have local Democratic candidates, period.

(If you’re wondering who’s those twenty-some percent still thinking Bush is doing a good job, well, I’m betting a number of them are living right around here.)

This territory has been a conservative bulwark since nigh on inception, with a few notable lapses here and there, but not many. And I guess that’s understandable--western individualists and all that.

When I first moved out here, someone told me I might as well register Republican so I can have a vote in the Republican primaries where virtually the only choices are made. The general elections being pretty much slam-dunks.

And I did that for awhile. But I’m nowhere near a Republican, so I switched back to where I needed to be.

However, it can be lonely, though I’ve sensed a little movement here lately. Not much, but a little.

A couple of my students are working for the Obama campaign, so I asked them for a yard sign. Put it at the end of my driveway. Only one I’ve seen in the whole town.

So obviously, I voted for Obama and my wife voted for Clinton. Tie ball game, except I was one yard sign up on her.

She’s so pro-Hillary we drove down to a Clinton rally in Rapid City a day after we voted. I didn’t want to go, let me tell you--heck, we’d already voted!

But seeing Hillary meant a lot to her.

And though I didn’t want to, I knew I had to go. Code words “It means a lot to me” were in play, and you don’t need a marriage counselor to know what that means.

So there we are in a Rapid City park standing in a seemingly endless line that wraps around the block.

Got to say, it was a revelation.

Had no idea there were so many Democratic supporters in the Black Hills, but heck, there they were. And it just had to be all Democrats. Can’t imagine any of them being Republicans, standing around in line to see a Clinton, for crying out loud.

Took a long time to get in. Bottleneck was security--only one metal detector and just two guys with wands to check everybody out. Evidently, the campaign planners were also surprised to have so many Democrats show up.

We finally got inside the gates in time to hear most of Hillary’s speech, and I’ve got to admit, she did a fine job. It’s one thing seeing those media-wrought political caricatures on TV and quite another seeing them in person twenty yards away. Gives you the eerie feeling that they just might be real people.

Spend some real time around W, and I bet you’d come to like him, too. Might even start thinking his ideas almost make sense.

On our way out of the rally, my wife got not one but two “Hillary for President” yard signs from a campaign worker. Brought them home with her. Made me stop the car when we got to the end of our driveway.

We’re no longer evenly split between Obama and Clinton.

Now it’s two yard signs to one.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

(Sent by Roy Wilson)