Did You Get That?

Boyfriend Upgrade 5.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and installing Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please remember Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 to default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the operating system. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have a limited memory and can’t learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

from Computer humor found here.

Go Big Red

Roy Wilson says it took awhile after their move to a new house, but he's finally got his lawn put in.

Time to Update

Palin Pick

Office Memo

(Sent by Roy Wilson)
EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

GOP VP Choice

clipped from laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com Aired Friday night on NBC: Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is John McCain’s choice. Here’s what we know about her: her name is Sarah Palin. Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn’t want to have to be in a position to have to get C.P.R. from Mitt Romney. Palin and McCain are a good pair. She’s pro-life and he’s clinging to life. Today President Bush called Governor Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do.

Ode to Bacon

Baby Boomer Test

(Sent by Bill Wahl)
This is NOT a pushover test, well except that it may be for you. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12.

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night David.

A. Good nigh Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...

A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings...

A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...

A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles...

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who..

A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish...

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors



Below are the right answers: How did you do???


1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways? D - Wonder Bread
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was... G - Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and... B - He Is Us
4. Good night David. A - Good night, Chet
5. You'll wonder where the yellow went... G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend... D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. Liar, liar... C - Pants On Fire
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and... F - The American Way
9. Hey kids! What time is it? C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears... E - Oh My
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone... D - Over 30
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings... C - Joe Namath
13. Brylcream... G - A little dab'll do ya
14. I found my thrill... G - On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by... B - Mary Martin
16. Name the Beatles... G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, who... D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. I'm strong to the finish... B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today... A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. What do M & M's do? F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand

COLUMN: Just Tell Me How Much I Owe

By Tobin Barnes
And the hits just keep on happening!

Remember that phrase you’d hear on Top-40 radio stations? Well, there’s “hits” other than top-selling songs.

Like the hits we’ve been taking from the mice or mouse in our garage.

Last time I told you about the mouse in our car. He was a fiend who had somehow climbed in up under the hood. Yeah, a mouse who’d maintained a storage bin in an air filter. And how we’d evidently executed him with the ventilation fan--thunk, thunk, thunk.

Of course, we didn’t know that’s what we’d done until the next day when we smelled the result. Holy moly!

Took the car down to the mechanic. He discovered not only a dead mouse, but also an air filter packed with provisions for a long stay--namely, a goodly larder made up of our dog’s Kibbles and Chunks.

Well, I cursed our luck to be plagued with such an ingenious mouse, forked over about a hundred bucks to the mechanic, and wondered what the Universe had planned for us next.

We didn’t have long to wait.

I get a call from my wife who’s out running errands (same scenario we were in when the sinister mouse got thunked). Except this time my wife was driving our pickup, not the car that had been earlier victimized.

“It won’t accelerate when I push down on the gas,” she reported.

Oh great. What now?

“I’m going to stop by and make an appointment.”

As we waited to take it in, it occurred to us that the mouse or mice might have fouled up the pickup, also.

Could it be?

Could lightening strike twice in the same garage?

You darned betcha!

The mechanic found it fairly amusing that Kibbles and Chunks had been stored in our pickup as well as our car.

“Yeah, when we were looking in there,” the mechanic said, “the dog food was kinda moving around.”

“Really?” I said. (My gullibility knows no bounds.)

“No. I’m just kidding you.” Har!

But packed with dog food it was, just like the car. The dog food was restricting the air intake, killing acceleration.

Anyway, ka-ching! Another hundred bucks down the drain.

And while the mechanic was in there under the hood, he found a nasty bunch of other things that needed to be done to our fourteen-year old pickup--not mouse related, just age related.

Okay.

We knew the pickup probably needed some work, so we’re coughing up some more dough on that stuff.

But there’s some questions still left unanswered:

Will other mice be attacking our vehicles even though the first mouse literally bit the fan? Maybe making revenge sorties?

Is there a professor mouse out there in the garage or yard teaching student mice about Kibbles and Chunks and the benefits of automotive storage? Or was there only one dementedly evil mouse?

And finally, when’s the other shoe going to drop? And how many shoes are out there?