Thursday, February 16, 2012

Gail Collins on Congress

Wilson before Congress, 4/20/12 (LOC)
Wilson before Congress, 4/20/12 (LOC) (Photo credit: The Library of Congress)
I am shocked to report that Congress, the beating heart of American democracy, is unpopular.

Not unpopular like a shy kid in junior high. Unpopular like the Ebola virus, or zombies. Held in near-universal contempt, like TV shows about hoarders with dead cats in their kitchens. Or people who get students to call you up during dinner and ask you to give money to your old university.

The latest Gallup poll gave Congress a 10 percent approval rating. As Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado keeps pointing out, that’s lower than BP during the oil spill, Nixon during Watergate or banks during the banking crisis.

On the plus side, while 86 percent of respondents told Gallup that they disapproved of the job Congress was doing, only 4 percent said they had no opinion. That’s really a great sense of public awareness, given the fact that other surveys show less than half of all Americans know who their member of Congress is.

So little attention, yet so much rancor. We’re presuming that this is because of the dreaded partisan gridlock, which has made Congress increasingly unproductive in matters that do not involve the naming of post offices.

And Congress is listening! Lately, we have been seeing heartening new signs of bipartisan cooperation. For instance, the House and Senate are near an agreement on the payroll tax cut, namely that it will continue and not be paid for.

This is actually sort of a tradition. No matter who is in power in Washington, Congress has always shown a remarkable ability to band together and pass tax cuts that are not paid for. It’s like naming post offices, only somewhat more expensive.
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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Good New Yorker Cartoons


Good 'Late Night' Jokes

speaking at CPAC in Washington D.C. on Februar...
Image via Wikipedia
Jimmy Fallon

  • Donald Trump is criticizing the Scottish government for trying to build a wind farm near his golf resort. That makes sense — I mean, if you look at Trump’s hair, wind is clearly his worst enemy.
  • A new study found that students who are taught abstinence end up with better math scores. Of course, if you join the math team, the abstinence takes care of itself.
  • Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
  • And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year.
  • The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.
  • You know what Kobe Bryant's wife is getting for Valentine's Day? Half. 
  • You know a really sad thing about Valentine's Day? Some people can't have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.
  • The vice president of China showed up at the White House today. That's what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up, starts looking around.
  • New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey.
  • A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway.





Conan
  • Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about.
  • The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication.
David Letterman
  • I love the Grammys. It has songs I don't know performed by people I've never heard of.
  • Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.
  • Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine's Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.
  • Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
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Frank Bruni on Rick Santorum

Santorum Drops By Iowa State Fair
Santorum Drops By Iowa State Fair (Photo credit: Talk Radio News Service)
To “the dog ate my homework,” we can now add “my wife wrote the chapter.”

That’s the excuse, more or less, with which Rick Santorum is distancing himself from a snippet of his 2005 book, “It Takes a Family,” in which “radical feminists” are disparaged for giving women the idea that they might find greater fulfillment outside the home. By using the passive voice in the last stretch of that sentence, I’m cutting him a break. I could have said “he disparaged” those feminists, because he’s the only author listed on the book’s cover, and there’s no acknowledgment of literary assistance from the hard-typing, home-schooling, house-tethered missus. So even if he’s not a troglodyte, he’s something of a credit hog.

You gotta love politics, and you gotta love Santorum. For much of this campaign, he has been content to occupy the rightward extremes of social issues, where he obviously felt he would best find traction. For most of last week, he stood there proudly and loudly, championing the Roman Catholic bishops in their archaic — and, let’s be clear, irresponsible — antipathy to birth control.
He even came up with perhaps the most ridiculous hyperbole in a political season thick with it. He said that “the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith” would lead the country to “the guillotine,” an apparent assertion that for Obama, hope and change are the smokescreen, deficits and decapitation the real agenda.
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Friday, February 10, 2012

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

speaking at CPAC in Washington D.C. on Februar...
Image via Wikipedia
Jay Leno
  • Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.
  • Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.
  • Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. Why don't they just change their name to Jack in the Coffin? 
  • Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.
  • Romney's campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.
David Letterman
  • Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement.
  • It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him. 
  • Anybody ever been to the Jack in the Box? They have introduced something, the bacon milkshake. When I first heard that I said, "Hey, come on, what, no cheese?" 
Jimmy Kimmel
  • Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.
  • He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests.
  • There's really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.
Jimmy Fallon
  • According to new research, playing iPhone games like "Angry Birds" and "Words With Friends" can improve your memory. Yeah, it can help you remember distant events like the last time you actually talked to a person.
  • Police in New York are looking for a bald man who stole three boxes of Rogaine. Yeah, he's bald and doesn't have the money to buy Rogaine, which explains who's not looking for him — women.
  • A new survey found that the average guy will spend about $200 on Valentine's Day this year. Yep, that's 20 bucks for flowers and 180 bucks for last-minute delivery of flowers.
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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Good 'New Yorker' Cartoons



Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard In The New England Patriots Locker Room After The Super Bowl
10. "Did we win?"
9. "What matters most is we had fun"
8. "We should have Tebowed"
7. "When's game two?"
6. "President Bush is on the phone"
5. "We still get paid, right?"
4. "On the bright side, we still get to shower together"
3. "Why is Bill Belichick naked?"
2. "Who cares that we lost — I'm married to a supermodel" (Tom Brady only)
1. "Well, at least we don't have to go on Letterman"
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Good 'Late Night' Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
  • Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don't know if it would really work.
  • Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he's not concerned with the very poor. I don't think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.
Late Show With David Letterman
  • I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.
  • Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.
  • Newt Gingrich has criticized “New York elites” who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.
  • What is more American than gathering the family for a full day of watching beer and Viagra commercials?
English: Picture of Joan Rivers in her show Li...
Image via Wikipedia
Conan
  • Fast-food chain Jack in the Box has introduced a bacon milk shake. Yeah. This is all part of Jack in the Box's new “Die Happy Meal.”
  • In an interview, Joan Rivers said she's had 739 surgical procedures. In fact, she started out as a man from Kenya. 
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Thursday, February 2, 2012

Borowitz Report on Romney's Clarification

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, a GOP p...
Image via Wikipedia
LA JOLLA, CA (The Borowitz Report) – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today released the following letter to the American people:

Dear American People:

Yesterday, comments I made about poor people made me look terrible.  This always seems to happen when I say what I really believe.

The fact is, I do care about poor people.  That’s because I’m poor myself, when you compare me to Mark Zuckerberg.

According to most projections, Facebook’s IPO should net Mr. Zuckerberg a personal fortune of $28 billion.  I couldn’t make a pile of dough-re-mi like that even if I fired people twenty-four hours a day.

Now, let’s take a look at Mitt Romney’s net worth: a measly $200 million.  Now do you see why I consider myself poor?  Compared to Mark Zuckerberg, Mitt Romney is practically a crack whore.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and envy a rich person like Mark Zuckerberg.  That’s exactly what President Obama wants poor people like me to do.  Mark Zuckerberg made his money fair and square, by creating useful products like imaginary sheep and angry birds.  Say what you will about Facebook, it has totally revolutionized the way we waste our lives.

The fact is, if you’re poor in America, you should do what Mark Zuckerberg did: create a social network.  I’ve just started my own, called TwoFaceBook.  With TwoFaceBook, your profile doesn’t stay the same for more than two seconds.

In closing, there’s one more reason I don’t worry about poor people.  They have Groupons.

Vote for me,

Mitt Romney
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