Borowitz Report: Frosh Republicans

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Just hours after being sworn in at the U.S. Capitol, the freshman class of House Republicans said that they were disappointed that they failed to shut down the government on their first day in office.

“We were all like, ‘O.K., we’re sworn in, let’s shut this thing down,’” said freshman Rep. Byron Ernie (R-Kentucky). “We were all pretty bummed that the government just kept running.”

Rep. Ernie acknowledged that it might have been “overly optimistic” of the freshman Republicans to expect to engineer a government shutdown on their very first day, “but bringing the government to a random standstill was the whole reason we became Republicans,” he said.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) chuckled good-naturedly at the ambitions of the high-spirited G.O.P. freshmen, telling reporters, “I remember what it was like to be young and full of big ideas about crippling our historic institutions for no discernible reason whatsoever. There’s nothing like your first time.”

Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/01/gop-freshmen-saddened-by-failure-to-shut-down-government-on-first-day.html#ixzz2HJyGRiYI

Good Oliphant Cartoon: Boehner

Good Oliphant Cartoon: Guns in School

Good New Yorker Cartoon: Lassie

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoons: Guns

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

English: Barbara Walters at the Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark opening at Foxwoods Theatre, New York City in June 2011 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David Letterman

• Barbara Walters puts together her 10 most fascinating people of the year list, and it goes way back. I think on the first show she did, numbers one and two were the Wright brothers.
• I'm happy and gratified to be on the Barbara Walters list this year. I'm between the monkey that was running around in a Toronto store and Clint Eastwood's empty chair.

Conan

• According to a global study, American kids are way behind Asian kids in math and science. But American kids are ahead in buying stuff made by Asian kids.

Jay Leno

• More problems for Lindsay Lohan. Apparently she can’t pay her $8,000-a-month rent on her Beverly Hills mansion. Lindsay doesn't want to move because it's the perfect location. It's between two liquor stores, a bail bondsman, and an auto body shop.
• Honey Boo Boo is among Barbara Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People of 2012." In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2012."

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoon: Fiscal Cliff

Good New Yorker Cartoons: Dogs

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

English: David Letterman hosting President Barack Obama at Late Show with David Letterman. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David Letterman

• It's a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it.
• With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president.
• I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them.

Jimmy Fallon

• Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving.
• A new survey found that “Sophia” and “Aiden” were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky.
• Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he’s bored now that he’s no longer running for president — though not as bored as the rest of us were when he WAS running for president.

Good Pat Oliphant Cartoons: Galloping Socialism and Cliffs