COLUMN: A Comparison with 'Like' or 'As'

By Tobin Barnes
“The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.”

That was a fractured simile by a guy named Malcolm Fleschner from Arlington, Virginia. He entered it in something called the Style Invitational, sponsored by the Washington Post. It’s meant to be a gag contest on bad metaphor and analogy writing.

Being an English teacher, I’ve seen my share of bad metaphors and analogies. Heck, I’ve written my share of bad metaphors and analogies. However, as seen in the above entry, they can be more entertaining than good ones.

Lots.

But maybe this exhibition is going to be only for my appreciation. Who knows? I hope not. Here’s some of my favorites from the Style Invitational. The writers names (I hope they want the credit) are in parentheses. I assume that the towns are in the Washington, DC area. I only wish I could write as badly as they can.

“Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.” (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

“Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.” (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

“The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of ‘Jeopardy!’” (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

This next one was a third-runner-up in 1999: “Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.” (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

This was the second-runner-up that year: “She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.” (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Can you appreciate the subtle quality difference that earns the second one the higher rating?

Neither can I.

I could have gone with this one as a winner: “He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.” (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Or maybe this one: “He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.” (Susan Reese, Arlington)

And this one brings up images as well: “Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.” (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Some of them are more verbose, like this second-runner-up from 1995: “I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’s speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.” (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

And the first-runner-up that year: “She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn.” (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Or: “He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.” (Joseph Romm, Washington)

But some of the best word pictures come quickly: “The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.” (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)