Latest Monologue

Aired Monday night on CBS: I have an announcement to make. This is my last night. The White House has asked me to step down.

This is crazy. The CEO at General Motors, Rick Wagoner, been there for like 30 years, but President Obama says, “You’re done, pal. Take a seat.” Bounced the guy right out of the job. He’ll be replaced now by Jimmy Fallon.

Right after the announcement, Wagoner hopped on his private jet and flew to the unemployment office.

Now here’s a story. A guy in Brazil goes spear fishing, and he accidentally gets shot in his own head with the spear. Well, they operate on the guy. He’s unconscious. They pull the spear out and he’s going to be fine. And you know the first thing he said when he came to was, “Well, that’s the last time I go spear fishing with Dick Cheney.”