Latest Monologues

‘McCain Has a Backup Plan’
David Letterman

Aired Thursday night on CBS: I hate to bring up a sad, sore topic but how about the economy? I mean, does it stink? The economy is so bad that today, Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker.

The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. It just doesn’t seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashanah.

Have you been watching Sarah Palin’s interviews with Katie Couric? Last night, Palin told Couric that she can’t name a Supreme Court ruling that she disagrees with. The best she could come up with was the time Judge Judy ruled against the landlord.

But Sarah Palin did say she objected to several Paula Abdul rulings on “American Idol.”

But Sarah Palin did say there is one decision that she disagrees with. And that was the decision to do the interview with Katie Couric. Read more …

Jon Stewart: Kill Bill

Late Night Monologues

Aired Monday night on NBC: Today, the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called a “crap sandwich.” Congress is already working on a new plan, which they call a “crap sandwich with cheese.”

Now, today, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the 10th and final item on his Administration’s bucket list.

The presidential debate was held Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Yeah. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own, while others say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder.

Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric last week. And they’re saying she was halting, repetitive, and stumped on basic questions. Yeah. In other words, Palin appeared very presidential.

Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Palin said she’d agree to pose for Playboy as long as there’s no interview.

COLUMN: A Comparison with 'Like' or 'As'

By Tobin Barnes
“The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.”

That was a fractured simile by a guy named Malcolm Fleschner from Arlington, Virginia. He entered it in something called the Style Invitational, sponsored by the Washington Post. It’s meant to be a gag contest on bad metaphor and analogy writing.

Being an English teacher, I’ve seen my share of bad metaphors and analogies. Heck, I’ve written my share of bad metaphors and analogies. However, as seen in the above entry, they can be more entertaining than good ones.

Lots.

But maybe this exhibition is going to be only for my appreciation. Who knows? I hope not. Here’s some of my favorites from the Style Invitational. The writers names (I hope they want the credit) are in parentheses. I assume that the towns are in the Washington, DC area. I only wish I could write as badly as they can.

“Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.” (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

“Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.” (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

“The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of ‘Jeopardy!’” (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

This next one was a third-runner-up in 1999: “Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.” (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

This was the second-runner-up that year: “She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.” (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Can you appreciate the subtle quality difference that earns the second one the higher rating?

Neither can I.

I could have gone with this one as a winner: “He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.” (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Or maybe this one: “He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.” (Susan Reese, Arlington)

And this one brings up images as well: “Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.” (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Some of them are more verbose, like this second-runner-up from 1995: “I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’s speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.” (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

And the first-runner-up that year: “She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn.” (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Or: “He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.” (Joseph Romm, Washington)

But some of the best word pictures come quickly: “The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.” (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Secretary Paulson Becomes Nigerian Spammer

From a witty email that's going around in this time of financial crisis:

MY DEAR AMERICAN FRIEND:

I AM NEEDING TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 700 BILLION OF YOUR DOLLARS (US). IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH HIGHLY REPUTABLE MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY IF MY POLITICAL PARTY WINS UPCOMING ELECTION, WHICH WE CERTAINLY WILL BECAUSE WE ARE IN CONTROLING OF THE HIGHEST SUPREME COURT. YOU MAY REMEMBER HIM AS A SENATOR AS LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S.

THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE. YOU MUST TRUST ME COMPLETELY AND NOT ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE TRANSACTION. YOU HAVE MY WORD NO ONE WILL DO ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE MONEY.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED YOUR BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTH PERSONAGE WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED. YOU ARE THAT PERSONAGE.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN, GRANDCHILDREN AND THOSE YET UNBORN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THIS INFORMATION I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS WE PROMISE WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS AND PRODUCE A LONG-TERM RETURN ON INVESTMENT FOR YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE.

YOURS FAITHFULLY
MINISTER OF TREASURY H. PAULSON

Daily Show: McCain Returns to Washington

Let's Get This Straight

(Sent by Chuck Standen)

I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight.....

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."
* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American story.
* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.
* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.
* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.
* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.
* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.
* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.
*If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
* If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.
* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.
* If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OK, much clearer now.

COLUMN: Let's stop settling for less

By Tobin Barnes
“When I was a boy, I was told anyone could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” That’s from Clarence Darrow, famous courtroom lawyer of the first half of the 20th Century.

The first half of the quote is comforting, bringing to mind each citizen’s theoretical equal standing before the law and, supposedly, the electorate. It’s a status we idealistically cherish.

The second half of the quote—the wit of the whole thing—is alarming. Indeed, it’s been heartily proven that, in fact, anyone COULD become President…and has.

It’s scary.

We’ve had some real lemons.

And how does that happen? Sometimes it’s a matter of money and influence. Oftentimes, it’s a matter of not only that but also hand-picked mediocrity.

Why hand-picked? Mediocrity doesn’t rock the boat. And established powers prefer stability. “Things are great, as far as we’re concerned. Let’s keep them that way.” Stick with what we know.

But what’s in it for the American people? Why opt for mediocrity? When did excellence become a dirty word?

Well, many prefer “what we know”—even those who reap no benefits garnered by those in the power establishment with all the money and influence.

For some reason, many Americans are attracted to the down-home and simple-minded. Complexity makes them nervous. Some vote for the candidate they see themselves in. A candidate they’d enjoy sharing a beer with down at the local bar. (I just saw a poll today based on whom you’d most like to watch a football game with.)

They think these types of candidates understand them and share their values. They think that politicians who seem like them would be better decision-makers. They’d be decisive, gosh darn it, not wimpy hand-wringers. These politicians could pull the trigger on any issue without blinking, no matter how deadly, based simply on common values we supposedly all hold dear.

Don’t need no fancy education, study, or book learning, for crying out loud.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Just about anybody could do it—anybody down at that same local bar. Just rely on the lowest common denominator. Better yet, get one of those magic 8-balls and let that make your decisions.

I’ve had enough of the simple solutions. Things are way too complex for just “anyone” to handle. We don’t need average qualifications packaged into anti-intellectual smugness. Just as we treasure those who forge themselves into elite soldiers, we need elite leaders.

We need the best and the brightest we can find.

Our greatest Presidents—Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, the two Roosevelts, Truman—were not just “anyone” who fit some political bill. They were exceptional people who educated and prepared themselves to take on the onerous burdens of their times.

They didn’t blend in with fellow citizens, they stood out head and shoulders above them. Unlike the masses, they could think beyond the moment and the current crisis. They could shape the times, not let the times and simple prejudices shape them.

Oh sure, they could display a certain folksy air of conviviality when necessary. Many had the common touch. Abraham Lincoln was a master at that. Franklin Roosevelt was a charmer. Harry Truman spoke the common man’s lingo.

But few Americans ever fooled themselves into thinking these people were common or average or anyone down at the bar.

These leaders’ wells ran deep. There was nothing ordinary about their intellects. And though some did not have much formal education, they took the time and considerable effort not taken by the average man to become self-educated in all of the most complex issues of their day. They were all voracious readers and learners. They prided themselves in study. They didn’t deride it and make fun of it.

Let’s not settle for mediocrity anymore.

Flow Chart of Life

Field Dressing Another Moose