Good 'Late Night' Jokes

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• Rick Perry said there were eight Supreme Court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on "Dancing With the Stars." 
• In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know.
• Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney.--Jay Leno 
• According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. Yeah, these people are known as men.
• Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that. --Conan
• Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen. She's missing cash, passports, and three stolen necklaces.  
• Lindsay Lohan has been in rehab so many times the cafeteria named a sandwich after her.
• A woman was making meth in a Wal-Mart. But you know, it's nice to know that something in Wal-Mart is made in America.
• Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails. --David Letterman
• Donald Trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up.
• This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages? --Jimmy Kimmel

Good 'Late Night' Jokes

Cover of Jay Leno

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor.

I'm not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he'd do about the West Bank, he said he’d bring back free checking.

There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam. 

According to a recent report by CBS sports, the average Major League baseball player now makes just over $3 million a year. Or as the Yankees like to call them, “the 99 percenters.”  --Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts. --David Letterman

An executive from the E! Network has stated that there could be as many as four new Kardashian spinoff shows. He then added, “Unless our demands are met.” --Conan

Inductees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is just like the Baseball Hall of Fame, but with less drug use. And more Satan.--Craig Ferguson

Krugman on "Wall Street," the movie

Cover of Wall Street (20th Anniversary Edition)

"Almost a quarter of a century has passed since the release of the movie “Wall Street,” and the film seems more relevant than ever. The self-righteous screeds of financial tycoons denouncing President Obama all read like variations on Gordon Gekko’s famous “greed is good” speech, while the complaints of Occupy Wall Street sound just like what Gekko says in private: “I create nothing. I own,” he declares at one point; at another, he asks his protégé, “Now you’re not naïve enough to think we’re living in a democracy, are you, buddy?”"

Related articles

• Paul Krugman: All the G.O.P.'s Gekkos (economistsview.typepad.com)

A Day at the Beach

On Time Off from Bill Porter on Vimeo.

Random Stuff

Great Picture

Paul Krugman on how Republicans have painted themselves into a corner

"Think about what it takes to be a viable Republican candidate today. You have to denounce Big Government and high taxes without alienating the older voters who were the key to G.O.P. victories last year — and who, even as they declare their hatred of government, will balk at any hint of cuts to Social Security and Medicare (death panels!).

"And you also have to denounce President Obama, who enacted a Republican-designed health reform and killed Osama bin Laden, as a radical socialist who is undermining American security.

"So what kind of politician can meet these basic G.O.P. requirements? There are only two ways to make the cut: to be totally cynical or to be totally clueless.

Related articles

• Op-Ed Columnist: Send In the Clueless (nytimes.com)

More Maureen Dowd on Newt Gingrich

"NEWT GINGRICH’S mind is in love with itself.

"It has persuaded itself that it is brilliant when it is merely promiscuous. This is not a serious mind. Gingrich is not, to put it mildly, a systematic thinker.

"His mind is a jumble, an amateurish mess lacking impulse control. He plays air guitar with ideas, producing air ideas. He ejaculates concepts, notions and theories that are as inconsistent as his behavior.

"He didn’t get whiplash being a serial adulterer while impeaching another serial adulterer, a lobbyist for Freddie Mac while attacking Freddie Mac, a self-professed fiscal conservative with a whopping Tiffany’s credit line, and an anti-Communist Army brat who supported the Vietnam War but dodged it."

I ain't no stinking lobbyist

      After all, you have to be registered. Besides, he doesn't need it, he's a celebrity.
     

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Indecision 2012 - Newt Gingrich Denies Lobbying
www.colbertnation.com
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Mitt Romney's three laughing monkeys campaign

            Romney's strategy is to see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing and then laugh through the pain of it all. The Colbert Report skewers the ridiculous Foxness of it all:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Mitt Romney Gets Testy
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive